


First Times

by MurderBaby



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, First Everything, First Kisses, First Times, Homophobia, M/M, Post-Canon, Reunions, This kind of got out of hand, Transphobia, it's comiiiiing, slowwwwww burn, suicidal ideation - minor, violence - minor, where's the fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-22 00:24:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 60,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7411114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurderBaby/pseuds/MurderBaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gon and Killua don't have a "first time." Instead, there are many, many firsts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> This was a celebration for reaching 200 followers on my tumblr! (http://murderxbaby.tumblr.com/) 
> 
> I wanted to write a series of head canons for Gon and Killua's intimate relationship, and, well, what was going to be a cute little list turned into...this. 
> 
> As is my way, this got way out of hand, so I had to post it somewhere that wouldn't force people to have to read thousands and thousands of words with tumblr's goofy UI.

There is no single "first time," with Gon and Killua. There are just many, many firsts.

Gon and Killua knew each other's touch well. Wrestling, and playing games came to both of them naturally from their first days of friendship. Gon's exuberance and Killua's competitiveness sent them careening towards each other from the beginning.

As they grew closer, they grew to depend on the other's presence. Gon felt stronger backed up by Killua's confidence. He grew more confident, in turn, when Killua's watchful eyes, and cautious nature, tethered him to the ground. He could jump, as high as he wanted, but something would pull him back down, safely, to Earth.

When Gon won, Killua celebrated with him, making winning that much more fun. Every high five shimmered in Gon's memory long after the fact.

Until Gon gave everything up, and cut that tie, rather than risk the burden of the other boy's pain.

Killua smiled, a lot, when Gon was around. Killua laughed more, too. He filled with bubbling joy when Gon smiled back. His skin prickled with nerves every time Gon put everything on the line. Years and years of training designed to maximize Killua's power, and minimize risk, flipped on its head whenever Gon's eyes grew serious, and Gon cocked back his fist.

Gon didn't have to use more than a glance to touch Killua. That's because Killua knew he was powerless when Gon looked like that. When Gon looked at him.

When they separated, Gon felt the ache almost immediately. He didn't realize where it came from, though. It was a wandering feeling. He couldn't feel the ground underneath his feet, anymore, when he walked. He found himself staring into the sky, into the distance, over the horizon, looking for something that he didn't know he'd had, until it was gone.

Gon would rub his head, from time to time, and miss the sting after Killua's longer fingers flicked him in the middle of his forehead.

The time between their first separation, and their first reunion, wasn't really very long in the grand scheme of their lives.

It was enough time, though, that Gon couldn't stop himself from running full tilt towards Killua from nearly a quarter mile out.

"Killua!" Gon shouted.

"Gon?!" Killua murmured. And then he repeated it, since this time it wasn't a dream. "Gon!"

Gon wanted to wrap his arms around Killua. They'd never hugged before, but Gon wanted to. He needed to.

He saw the dark blue eyes size him up, as he approached, and suddenly Gon began to question everything.

Gon had never seen that color before. Killua's eyes were full and rich and strange. He came to an awkward, clumsy stop, nearly toppling over.

"Whoa, Gon!" Killua said, and reflexively reached out to grab Gon's arms to steady him.

As soon as Killua's fingers wrapped around Gon's wrist, they moved as if they'd rehearsed it a million times before.

Killua pulls Gon's body close. Gon steps nearer to the even taller boy. He nearly crushes Killua's toes with his own. Killua winds his long arms around Gon's head and neck. Gon reaches around Killua's waist, and chest. He looks over Killua's shoulder, but doesn't see anything. He won't remember anything about the moment except how relieved he feels when Killua is really here, right now, hard and soft, in turns, and so warm, even through his shirt and jacket.

"I missed you, Killua!"

"You too, Gon."

\----

After that, hugs are frequent, and morph into so many shapes and sizes. Long and warm, short and easy, congratulatory, and consoling. They hug goodbye, and know now that no goodbye will ever be forever.

It's during their second reunion that Gon touched Killua's hand, which he'd done before, but not to pull him along, or lift him up, or start an intense thumb wrestling match. Just because.

It was hot, and the night had gone on so long with the two of them laughing and talking well past any reasonable person's bed time. It was sticky far beyond comfort. He could hardly stand his own body's heat, let alone pressing some other body against his own.

Now their distance nagged at him, sometimes. He craved Killua's touch.

Gon bent one finger, and then another, and walked them over the carpeted floor. Killua sat lounging, with his right arm propping him up. Gon's fingers brushed over the rough knuckles of Killua's left hand. The hand twitched. Killua sighed, and quickly sat up straight.

Gon's fingers stopped. He wanted to drag the pads of his fingers back and forth, until he could memorize the texture of the back of Killua's hand.

Before he could, though, Killua flipped his hand over. Gon's looked down at the upturned palm. Gon spun his finger, and dragged his brown nail over delicate pink lines indented into the pale skin.

Gon looked up, and watched Killua watch their hands. He couldn't read Killua's expression, but he loved the color of Killua's eyes at that moment.

Killua closed his fingers over Gon's hand. At first, Gon's hand sat curled against Killua's palm. He watched Killua look back up at him, blushing, but smirking, a little, in challenge. Gon's breath went shallow, and his heart raced. He slowly unfolded his fingers, and then slipped them through Killua's.

Gon didn't realize until the next morning, when he found their hands gently resting a top one another's, that he didn't actually know what all of this meant.

\----

Killua couldn't stop thinking about what this meant

Gon had become so affectionate lately. All the hugging, and now he wanted to hold Killua's hand all the time.

Holding hands meant a big smile from Gon, every time. Killua had to return the smile, it was irresistible that way, but it twisted him up inside. It was half sincere, and half panicked.

"Gon is just being Gon," Killua had thought to himself. He said it to himself, once, out loud, as Gon fell asleep next to him.

Gon was exuberant, and full of life. Gon made him smile, and made him laugh. Just being next to Gon was enough.

That was a lie. It might have been the biggest lie Killua had ever told, but he still told it to himself, every night.

Gon was just Gon.

Killua loved Gon for years. He'd loved him long before he knew how to form the shape of the word with his mouth. He'd loved Gon before it could be confined to words. He loved him when it meant losing sleep worrying about him, or shaking with laughter joking around with him, or shivering with excitement while sparring with him.

He couldn't take his eyes off Gon, now, after their years apart.

What happened between them, years ago, in that distant battlefield, darkened Gon's expression. Gon looked at Killua differently now. Sometimes, when their eyes met, Gon's narrowed his eyes. The light inside changed.

Killua recognized how this change made him feel. Exactly the same as that day at the World Tree. When Gon turned his back, and Killua turned his own, and they said goodbye, for now.

Now, Gon was back. But, Gon's spirit could disappear for moments at a time, or even days. During their reunions, over the years, Killua watched it happen more and more.

When Gon returned, though, it was as if nothing had happened. Being near Gon these days meant holding Gon's body close. It meant feeling the heat of his breath on his ear lobe and neck. It meant waiting until they were alone, and accompanied by nothing but their own heart beats, to tie their fingers together into a knot neither of them could undo.

It was fine. Killua was fine. He had patience for miles. (Lies.)

Gon was his best friend, and he wouldn't let anything tear them apart, again. (Until he couldn't stand it, anymore, and couldn't stand to look away, hold his breath, stop up his heart with cork and reality.)

Was that really the reason they had to separate a second time, and reunite a third? Obviously, there was more to it than that. Caring for Alluka didn't offer Killua the opportunity to ever really settle down. Gon and Killua had their own lives, now.

If he'd wanted to, though, Alluka had told him "I would be happy wherever you were happy, Killua."

He was happy with Gon. He was happy near Gon.

He was unhappy knowing that was the beginning and the end of it.

\----

"Where are you now, Gon?"

"Hmmm? What do you mean, Killua?"

Their hands clasped together. Gon's finger was idly rubbing the sensitive skin of Killua's palm. Sometimes, when Killua wasn't careful, Gon's fingers would brush just so over his skin, and the shivers would travel up and into his throat. He would let out a long, slow "Oh," and Gon would giggle, and Killua would throw his hand up over his mouth.

Today, though, Gon had simply held on. Squeezing, now and then, like he needed to remember that his friend was really still by his side.

"You go away sometimes," Killua said, looking at their hands, with Gon's even darker skin against his pale, nearly translucently blue and pink skin. "Like you're having a bad dream, or something, even though you're still awake."

Sometimes, that would happen to Alluka. She would go away. With Alluka, it meant sometimes she'd just stand up, apropos of nothing, and step into another room. At first, Killua would follow her, but she'd get mad.

"I need to be alone, okay?!"

It startled him, at first. Soon, though, he knew she really did just need some time by herself. Time to find something inside of herself that she'd lost.

What was Gon looking for?

"A bad dream?" Gon repeated, slowly. Gon squeezed Killua's hand, then, hard. Killua squeezed back. Gon was strong, but so was Killua.

It was silent between them, but it was uncomfortable. Gon shifted, and eventually pulled his hand away. Killua reached out, stupidly, like Gon had just made a mistake. He pulled his arm back when Gon sat up. Gon turned away.

"Yeah, maybe it's a bad dream," Gon replied. He pulled his knees under his chin, and decidedly did not look at Killua.

Gon sounded deeply sad. It rang inside of Killua's heart like church bells at a funeral. The entire room filled with it. Even though it was just the two of them, because this time they had reunited just to be alone, together. It wasn't discussed, or planned, it was simply what they both decided. 

From behind, it was clear how much bigger Gon had grown since they'd last met. Gon had turned 17 a few months ago, and Killua was not far behind, now. He'd grown at least 10 centimeters taller than Gon, but Gon's arms and legs and chest had filled out with muscles and strength to spare. 

Gon's body radiated heat like a human shaped furnace, but since they'd last reunited, hugging him made Killua go cold. Killua had to coat himself in a protective layer of disregard, and feigned apathy. He couldn't risk Gon's heat. He worried that his dreams, and his hopeless hopes, would shine through his eyes, and Gon would finally, finally, finally figure out who the fuck Killua Zoldyck really was, and what he really wanted, and would run for the fucking hills. 

This was enough. This was enough. It had to be enough. Killua had to settle for this. 

No, this was a blessing. Gon was a blessing. Please, don't let Gon leave. 

"Maybe it's because you feel so far away, these days," Gon finally whispered. Killua had to crawl closer when Gon started speaking, to really hear him. He sat so close to Gon, now, he could watch Gon's lips and nose move with each breath. 

Killua curled up, and pulled his own knees in under himself. 

"Like, when you took Alluka, and went away for a while," Gon continued. Killua looked down at his knees as his breath started to fray. "I feel like you're leaving, again, like you have something you have to do, and you won't let me come with you." 

Killua had pulled away. He had to. Gon still reached for his hands, and Gon still wrapped him up in his arms, and Killua needed that. He wanted every touch, he longed for every momentary, glancing connection. 

But, Killua couldn't reach out, himself. What if Gon could read through his intentions? What if his perceptive, kind friend felt the hesitation? He thought he could hide forever, but he should have known better.

His first friend.

His first love.

His first notable other. Gon definitely knew him the best. 

Of course - of course - Gon would know that Killua held back. Gon knew everything worth knowing about Killua, except for this.

How much longer could Killua keep his big, beating, bleeding heart a secret from the young man who knew everything else there was to know of him?

Gon couldn't sit in the silence any more.

"Killua! Did I do something wrong?" Gon asked, and turned, climbing onto his knees to face Killua. 

Killua would do anything it took to protect Gon. 

"No, Gon. You didn't do anything. I..." Killua started. Gon looked him fully in the face. Memories of Gon loomed large in Killua's heart, but right now, he was just a teenage boy only a short hop away from adulthood. Taller than ever, calmer, wiser, and happier. He also had a habit of disappearing deep inside himself somewhere Killua couldn't follow. Not now, though. Gon was there completely. He'd come completely back to this moment. 

Killua looked at the young man. Gon looked back. Gon's lip curled in, nervously, and rolled out, pouting a little. 

Right now, even though they weren't touching, it was the closest the two had been in years. Gon had come back to ask this question. Killua felt his belly stir. He couldn't back down, now. Pride was on the line. 

"I'm the one who did something wrong, Gon," Killua replied. His voice had managed to break without much fuss, but now his level tenor was croaking like frog song. "I'm doing something wrong, so maybe that's what you noticed."

"Killua!" Gon said, his own low feelings ignored and forgotten. "You haven't done anything wrong!"

Killua's lips curled, and he hoped it looked like a smile. "You don't know what I've done, yet."

Gon shook his head. He leaned over, and pushed his index finger into Killua's chest. 

"Killua! You've been good! I know you have. You take good care of Alluka, and you aren't an assassin anymore. So, what...?" Gon asked, and Killua did have to laugh, at that. 

"Okay, I haven't murdered anyone, and I don't really break laws anymore, that's true."

Gon gave a half-hearted laugh, that didn't reach his eyes. They flickered softly with concern. 

"But, whatever it is, you haven't done anything to me, right?" Gon asked, so innocently, and so sincerely, that Killua was moments, mere moments, from throwing in the towel, and changing the subject. Saying something to rile Gon up. Flicking him on the forehead to make him laugh.

It was almost morning. They had no luck sleeping around each other, anymore. Neither wanted to say good night, and part ways into unconsciousness, and Killua still didn't really like to sleep, anyway. 

He probably only imagined it, in retrospect, but the creeping morning sunlight reached Killua's bare legs, and hands. It felt warm. It gave him a little courage. 

Gon would always be his friend. 

"Gon, I..." Killua said, looking down at the carpet between them. He shook his head, and looked up into Gon's eyes. Gon's eyes felt heavy, like chains made of solid, roughly hewn gold. 

"Gon, I like you," Killua sputtered, quickly. Killua could hear the imagined reply perfectly.

_Oh, but Killua, I like you too!_

"I mean, I like you...like you. Like you like...that," Killua said, then, faster still. He gripped his left arm with his right hand. He was still looking at Gon, but he was too flushed with the audacity of what he'd just done to process what he saw. 

Gon's mouth went slack, and his eyes rounded out big, and wide. Killua bit his lip, and sat back. He considered falling backwards onto the floor, and closing his eyes, and slipping away, when Gon spoke up, again.

"But we're both boys," Gon said. Or did he ask? It didn't even really sound like Gon had directed it at Killua. More like he was saying it himself, because he needed to hear it out loud to begin to understand it. 

That was the most obvious response, really. Gon cutting right to the quick of it. Killua had no more words, anymore, anyway, so he said nothing to that. 

"Oh," Gon said. "Oh."

These weren't really words. They were sighs. Steam releasing from a kettle. Killua blinked, and saw Gon looking at him. Continuing to look at him. 

Killua didn't know how he really felt, right now. He was floating between the past where his secrecy kept him safe, and the uncertain future, where at least he didn't have to lie to his friend, anymore. He couldn't know what shape his heart would be in after he threw it onto the floor for Gon's inspection. 

"Does that mean..." Gon said, slowly. Killua watched Gon's mouth, seeing the words formed before he actually heard them. "That I can kiss you?"

\---- 

Everything suddenly made sense to Gon. He felt it under his hands, and he felt it in his beating heart. His stomach and his throat clenched with sudden understanding.

"Oh," he said. "Oh!" was all he could say, until he managed his own careful, uncertain question. 

"Does that mean that I can kiss you?"

That's what it meant, right? If Killua liked him.

Oh! 

It all began to make sense, finally. 

Everything felt different now, or maybe, it felt like it had just been revealed. The curtain pulled back. The scratch-off-silver carved away with a new penny, until the winning numbers appeared underneath. 

"Kiss me?" Killua repeated, his voice jangling, like Gon just spouted nonsense. Gon nodded. 

Gon wanted to kiss Killua. How had he not realized that until now? He wished he hadn't been so slow. He was so frustrated with himself. Killua must have been so worried, and for so long, about telling him this. All because Gon hadn't found the answer inside of himself, first. 

"Yeah!" Gon's body was light, and his blood was carbonated. He bounced up, until he towered over Killua's sitting frame. His arms didn't know what to do with themselves. He wanted to grab Killua's hands, and reassure him everything was okay. They hung at his sides. His hands twisted the fabric of his shirt into uncertain lumps. 

He wanted to touch Killua's face, just because he realized he never had, even though Killua had such a _nice_ face. It looked soft. Killua's eyes were bigger and bluer and prettier than Gon had ever seen them before, too.

Killua stared up at Gon. As if Gon's eyes held the other end of the rope Killua clung to, he started to rise, until their eyes were parallel. In the next moment, Gon tipped his head up to look up at Killua. 

The exuberant fizzy feelings from moments ago changed in his body. Sweet and hot, and bright, and brand new. With his throat tipped back, and Killua's eyes, now darker, now more sure, it was Gon who suddenly felt like he was filled with nonsense. 

Killua always was better with words, but everything Killua wanted to say, now, Killua said with his eyes, and the stiff, even line of his mouth. Killua's cheeks were bright red. Gon realized how close their faces were, now, as he felt the heat from Killua's skin and breath warm his own. 

Gon waited. He felt it happen before he saw those blue eyes close. 

Killua's long fingers touched his neck. They touched his check. Gon pressed his face closer. He didn't know he how he managed it. Finally, their lips met. 

They didn't know how to arrange the pieces, yet, noses knocking, and teeth everywhere, but as soon as Killua pulled Gon's face towards his own, Gon's arms finally knew what they wanted to do. 

He'd hugged Killua countless times, by now, but he'd never really noticed before how long Killua's back was. He reached around, until his palm lay flat against the small of it. 

There were so many shapes there he could trace with his fingers. When he did, Killua moved under his hands. Jumping, dancing, and flowing like a current. 

He didn't really notice it, though. Killua was too busy stealing Gon's attention. Forcing him to focus.

Killua always was good at that. 

Two hands carefully holding his face. Tracing small circles in his hair. 

Soft lips. Wet, warm, and gently insistent. They opened, and Gon opened. 

Nothing Gon had done before prepared him for this, really.

But he knew Killua. And Killua knew him. 

Kissing was new, but being together wasn't. 

Gon drew his hands up Killua's back. He hung on, and felt Killua's arms move. Killua's arms curled around Gon's head. Killua moved his lips, and Gon gasped when Killua's mouth closed each eye. His eyes stayed closed as lips moved down his nose, over both cheeks, left to one earlobe, and right to the other. When their lips met again, finally, Gon groaned, deeply. The sound made Killua pause. 

"Are you....is this...?" Killua whispered, into Gon's mouth. 

"You're really good at this," Gon replied, smiling, finally, as he returned to himself, no longer held captive by his beautiful friend's movements. "You thought about this a lot, huh?"

"Ugh," Killua groaned, in return, and then laughed. Gon laughed, too, and pulled his face back, a little, so he could watch his friend's face. "Shut up, Gon," Killua whispered, while pressing his lips into Gon's hair. 

They'd been leaning together, connected by their hands and lips, but now Gon needed to do more. He moved his knees, until he felt Killua's chest against his own. He felt the hitch in Killua's breathing move directly through his body. 

"Yeah, but, isn't this..." 

Gon kept going. Killua fell back until he was leaning on his arms, and then the arms gave out, and then he lay flat on the floor, with soft, ragged breaths. Gon looked down at him.

"...isn't this good?" Gon asked. Gon crawled forward, until his hands were on either side of Killua's head, and his legs bent on either side of Killua's long torso. Killua looked up at him, for as long as he could, and Gon shivered when Killua's eyes finally closed. 

Killua lay under him, skin pulled taut like silvery silk, and shuddering with every shimmering, shivering breath. He wore a black tank top, ragged and casual, and Gon realized he could see the faint traces of Killua's stomach muscles where the shirt pulled up against his body. That wasn't a new sight. Nothing about this was new.

But it was...

The question was, now, what was it? Was this what he'd actually always wanted?

The answer was yes. Yes. Yes. 

Killua was who he had always, always wanted.


	2. He Could

Killua looked over, and Gon was looking up, at the ceiling, at nothing in particular, and smiling.

"I was really worried about you, Killua!" Gon finally said. "Ever since we met up again, something was different."

Killua snorted. Nothing was different, this time. It's not like he had only wanted to kiss his olive-skinned, smiling, glowing, infuriatingly good friend these last few weeks.

"If you say so," Killua said. Was he still blushing? He'd looked, already, in the bathroom, at the beet red of his face. The cool tap water helped a little, but then he noticed the other thing. 

Gon had given him a hickey, right under his jaw. 

It only took a moment. Killua knew he bruised easily. So, this was hardly surprising. But, now his blush was tattooed to his cheeks. 

"I did that?!" Gon asked, mortified, when Killua emerged from the bathroom, still touching it gingerly.

Killua had to assure him it didn't hurt, really it didn't.

"I've never done it like that, before, so, I'm not sure if I was doing something wrong," Gon said, laying back on the floor as Killua sat next to him.

_Like that_

_Before_

Gon's eyes closed. He actually needed to sleep, every night, unlike Killua, so Killua planned to wait for the soft, gentle snores to start before he consumed those words. He'd take them inside his gut, and let the internal cacophony begin as he tried to figure out what in the fuck Gon's words just now were supposed to mean. 

While he committed to swallowing the words whole, Killua let out a long, slow, "Hmmm." Gon's hands clenched. 

"Oh," Gon said, blinking one eye open. "I just realized what I said." 

"What?" Killua asked, failing to bluff as his voice trembled. "What are you talking about?"

Gon sat up. He crossed his legs, and looked simultaneously exactly like he always had, young and honest to a fault, and also older than ever before. His face, carved into strong, solid shapes of brown skin, considered Killua with intense eyes. 

Killua covered his heart with his hand, as if that would protect Gon from understanding the truth they both now shared. 

"I have kissed other people, you know?" Gon said, evenly. Gon's voice had dropped to a startling octave years ago. Killua luxuriated in it, privately. It made him shiver. Now, the voice crooned deeply, like Gon had rehearsed this speech in his head. Killua still shivered, but now it was in that freezing cold way that meant he was about to be sick all over his feet. 

"Mmm," Killua replied, with a dry throat. He watched Gon's throat bob with each word, and looked at that delicate collar bone his lips traveled up and down less than an hour ago, and figured this wasn't the worst way to die. 

"Only girls, though," Gon said, the even tone narrowing a little, into wonder and curiosity. 

Killua's eyes closed. Fuck. The shivering chill of his skin moved up into his head. His face tightened, and his throat burned. He lifted his palm to cover his eyes, wishing for even one ounce of his prodigious strength to do him a fucking lick of good, finally, by stopping these tears. 

Gon's warm, calloused palm cradled Killua's face. The shivering stopped, though his stomach still flopped around nervously inside. He felt Gon pull away the hand covering his face. 

Gon kissed his forehead firmly. 

(Gon kissed him.)

Killua's eyes opened, and Gon looked at him with golden eyes, and a brave expression. 

(Gon kissed him.)

"I'm just telling you, that, now," Gon said, and then stopped, and made a small grunt. Gon's pink tongue popped out. Killua's turned his head to watch Gon awkwardly weave the fingers of their hands together. 

"All I want to do now is kiss you, Killua!"

(He'd kissed Gon.)

Their arms crossed one another as Killua reached for Gon's face. Killua held his hands as still, and as careful, as he could, as he ran his thumb down Gon's nose.

(Now he knew how ticklish Gon was, and was accordingly careful.)

"Well, I'm right here," Killua whispered, leaning forward. 

(Now, he knew so much more about Gon.) 

"Yeah," Gon agreed. 

(Now, he needed to know so much more.)

Killua smiled, and opened his mouth. 

"Yeah," Killua said, and he exhaled, before their mouths met, again. 

Gon's words inside of Killua dissolved under the bright, summer sun of their kiss. Gon tilted his head, and opened his lips. Killua felt Gon's tongue enter, as powerful as any other part of Gon, and nearly melted with gratitude when Gon's arms wrapped around his back. 

Two arms lifted and guided Killua down onto the floor. Any thoughts of sleep dissolved, as well, as the new light of morning flowed in and over Gon's skin. Killua looked at the rich, deep brown, and freed his mouth so he could return the favor to Gon of marking him. Temporarily, with blood under Gon's skin, and broken veins, and desire so painfully acute Killua's heart had grown brittle.

"Killua!" 

Gon said his name that way, and Killua's heart shattered, only to be replaced by the echo of his name on Gon's tongue. 

\----

Gon wakes up, and the first thing he wants to do is kiss Killua.

They just kissed, they only kissed, they didn't stop kissing, for the remainder of the night, and into the next day. Eventually, even though Gon resisted, and shook his head, and actually stomped his foot like a toddler when Killua told him to "Go the fuck to SLEEP, Gon, you're just drooling on me, at this point," he did sleep. 

He woke up on the couch, with Killua curled up on the floor nearby, phone held in one limp hand. 

It felt like he'd been doing it for years, and years, and not just for the first time. Wanting to kiss Killua, that is.

He rolled off the couch, with a thump, and he hoped Killua would stay asleep, because now he REALLY wanted to wake him up with a kiss. 

Gon wanted Killua every day, from now on, for as long as he got the chance.

Gon crawled forward, until his finger tips were pointed at Killua's back, and his friend's softly curled hair. 

Killua stirred, a bit, like leaves in the wind. Killua's mouth opened, and Gon stared at it, because he could.

Killua's lips were pink like the light of sunset over a white sand beach. Killua's eyes were the ocean, and they were closed, which was the trade off, Gon figured. 

Killua was beautiful.

He'd already known that, since the first moment he watched his new friend glide closer during the Hunter Exam, but it only became truer and truer as time went on. 

Gon never found it weird to admire his best friend for his beauty. That hadn't been how he was raised to feel. Killua was beautiful!

And yet, he thought, he'd never actually told his friend that. Why had he held back? Killua always deserved to hear how wonderful he was, Gon figured, because his wonderful friend never seemed to believe it. 

Why did Gon keep that word to himself, all these years, instead of thinking to share it with his friend?

Like it was a treasured secret his heart asked him to care for.

Keen instincts moved inside Killua, and Gon watched the young man uncurl, and his eyes blink open. 

"Gon?" Killua asked, with a sleepy drawl. 

He'd kept the secret as long as he could.

"Killua?" Gon asked, peering down. Killua's eyes caught the faint glimmers of sunlight not blocked by the apartment's heavy curtains. Killua looked up at him, at first clearly concerned, and then, as their eyes met, going wide with another emotion.

"What is it, Gon?"

Gon gulped in air, suddenly shy. 

Killua reached up, and brushed the back of his index finger against Gon's cheek.

"You're beautiful!" Gon basically shouted, as his secret burst out of his mouth. 

As if he'd just been shocked, Killua yanked his hand away. 

"Wait, Gon, what?!" Killua said, his words a scramble. 

Gon leaned closer, and Killua bent forward. Their faces collided with a painful thunk. Gon squealed and Killua cursed as they jumped apart. 

"Ouch!" Gon said, sticking his tongue out as he jammed the heel of his hand against the growing bruise. 

"Fuck, Gon!" Killua repeated, as he carefully touched his nose. 

Gon gasped. "Are you okay?"

Killua rolled his eyes. "You'll have to wake up even earlier than this to actually manage to hurt me, Gon Freecs." 

Gon sighed, and reached for his own phone. He didn't actually know what time it was.

"Oh, Killua, it's like, dinner time?" Gon said, as he clicked the screen on. 

Killua grabbed his own phone, and groaned loudly as the light of the screen glowed on.

"Oh, for fuck's sake. Guess we should go get dinner, then?" Killua asked. Gon nodded, and they both stood. Killua stepped into the next room to rustle through his luggage, and Gon leaned over. Shorts met the sniff test, so he threw them back on, as well as his jacket. 

Gon thought about following Killua into his bedroom, instinctively, because he'd watched his friend change clothes a billion times in the past, and now, suddenly, his feet rooted themselves to the floor.

Oh.

Killua stepped back out, after a moment, wearing a fresh pair of pink slacks, and a light green button up over a white shirt. 

He looked beautiful, still. And handsome, and sharply dressed. Gon's mouth suddenly felt as rooted into place as his feet. 

"Ready?" Killua asked, and Gon knew Killua's gaze looked near him, or around him, but not at him. 

Last night, and this morning, and just now, all did really happen.

Gon nodded, and did finally remember how to walk. 

Killua twisted the door knob, and looked over at Gon, and Gon saw him smile.

That smile sliced through the tangled knot tying Gon's mouth closed. 

"You're beautiful, Killua!" 

Two blue orbs seemed to double in size. The door clicked closed. 

"You can't...say things like that, Gon, when we're out there, okay?"

Gon wrinkled his nose, ready to protest. He wasn't saying anything bad! Killua was...

But Killua's eyes weren't just annoyed, or frustrated, or embarrassed.

They were scared.

Gon could only remember a scant hand full of times that Killua looked scared. So, Gon could only nod.

Killua released the door knob, and sighed. He padded up to Gon with his silent foot steps. 

Gon felt giddy at this kiss. It was sweet, and simple. It was old hat, now. 

They were going to keep kissing.

Gon could keep his secrets, then, a little longer, if he had to.

\----

Neither of them talked about how quickly their next departure would be. Killua had left Alluka for as long as he dared. Gon wanted to come back with them, this time. Killua almost agreed, and then Gon saw that fear flutter over his eyes. 

"I don't think it's a good idea, right now."

Killua explained that he and Alluka were planning to travel to new countries, ones he'd never been to, and he didn't know how safe it would be.

Gon wanted to argue. He felt the storm clouds of an argument grow in his belly. 

But arguing with Killua really felt awful, lately. They still did it, from time to time, sometimes over something minor, and also sometimes over something really big, but Killua's grimace took on a scarier, grayer scale these days. 

Finally, Gon just nodded. 

Instead, with these last few days, Gon made it his mission to commit everything about kissing Killua to memory. 

Killua wasn't ticklish, but if you held his palm still, and brushed your tongue against it, softly, you'd get the next best thing. Killua would wriggle, and Gon realized what he was hearing was a moan. 

Killua's tongue moved with as much precision as any other part of his body, but it was the grip of Killua's hands, holding Gon's wrists still, that reminded Gon that he was kissing a young man whose body was also a weapon.

Every new sound Killua made were Gon's new favorite thing. They went in a loop, the first and last and middle place changing from moment to moment.

Was it the sound that hummed from Killua's belly when Gon's mouth pressed into the hollowed out indent at the base of Killua's throat, between his collar bones?

Was it that gurgling, groaning breath escaping from Killua's lungs when Gon discovered Killua's ears? His perfectly formed, delightfully sensitive ears? As a result of Gon's discovery, Killua turned into a melting, boneless puddle Gon could dip his fingertips into. If it had a flavor, Gon knew it'd be sweet.

Was it the whimper, which Killua bit off with teeth shoved into his bottom lip, every time Gon's hand slipped under the hem of Killua's shirt, and found strong, solid shapes that broke and waved against his hand like ocean water?

"We can't, Gon," Killua would then hiss, pulling Gon's hand free. 

Gon didn't know, exactly, what Killua was stopping him from. But he respected it, because when they were like this, Gon just wanted what Killua wanted. Only wanted to give Killua what Killua needed. 

What Gon needed grew. It grew and growled, and the pressure built inside. In his hips and stomach, and it made him growl, actually, sometimes. Killua gasped, every time, and every time, stopped his hands, or his hips, or his mouth. He would watch Killua's lips curl in, and release out, and everything slowed down.

"We can't," Killua said.

Gon didn't want to, not until he understood what scared Killua. 

But when Killua's long, pale neck bent back, and Gon watched the throat move, and saw the silver light of night turn Killua into a statue, Gon knew he could.

He could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting out of hand. 3 chapters? Ha, no way, I have millions more ideas than that, now. So, you know, buckle up, if 1000s of words of these nerds loving and smooching and figuring out how to be a couple do it for you. 
> 
> (PS I love getting comments, they make my day, and help me feel like I'm not a total garbage hole writer, so if you felt so inclined, I will definitely be grateful!)


	3. Killua Couldn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for transphobic and homophobic language and ideas. I have never felt it appropriate to ignore this component of things, and I don't think these concepts would be absent from Gon and Killua's world. So, if these ideas aren't going to be safe or comfortable to read, this chapter might not be right for you! Take care of you!
> 
> ETA: Due to some changes to the story's development later, I altered a key detail in this story. So, if you reread this, per chance, and worry you're losing it, you're not!

Killua couldn't.

It didn't matter how many times he'd imagined it. Gon's eyes closed, or Gon's mouth wide open, rapturous, flushed and perfect.

He didn't even have to imagine it, really. He saw glimpses of it when their hands clung together, and Killua pulled Gon's arms up over his head. When he looked down, Gon would smile, and close his eyes, and his long face would soften and intensify, all at once.

Killua couldn't.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He remembered a conversation he'd had with Alluka, years ago, when Alluka crawled into bed besides Killua late at night.

"I read something awful, brother," Alluka said, finally, after he managed to unwind her thin arms from around his neck. "No it was..."

Alluka only cried when someone else was hurt, really. She spoke clearly, but the tears flowed the entire time.

"She was like me. No one believed that she was a girl, and then someone..." Alluka finished, and broke.

Killua pulled Alluka's face into the crook of his shoulder as she finally lost the ability to talk. She whispered the word "murdered her" into his ear, and he sat up, and held his beloved, lovely, sweet sister safe and close.

It was inevitable that Alluka would have to face this truth. This unforgivable world with people who worked tirelessly to hate and misunderstand her. His heart broke, but he also knew that she would face this, eventually, no matter what he did.

"There was also a news story about a boy who....to himself," Alluka said, hiccuping more than she could actually say the words.

"Alluka, we can talk more about this tomorrow, if you want? It's really late, sweet pea."

Killua managed to set Alluka up right on the bed, and passed her the box of tissues from his side table. She cleaned herself up.

"It's because he was gay, Killua. It means he loves other boys," Alluka mumbled, between her two fists as they rubbed the tears away from her cheek.

Killua froze.

"That's not wrong!" Alluka said, insistently. "Love is the most important thing, that's what you always, always tell me."

Every day.

_"Alluka, I love you, and that's the most important thing, okay?"_

"It's not wrong..." Killua said. He was Alluka's big brother, and this was important.

"Lots of people don't agree," he finished, vaguely, feeling useless, instead.

The fact that his lungs were filled with dark, dripping ichor meant little.

Alluka wasn't paying attention to Killua's face, right now, thankfully. He knew his grimace would make it seem like he was angry at her.

"Mother and father..." Alluka started. She rarely talked about their parents, but Killua was never sure if it was because she had nothing to say, or if it was because of how his face would always twist in reaction. "And Illumi...and Milluki, probably..."

Milluki used the word "Faggot" liberally, like hateful seasoning. Illumi would never use such crude language, but Killua had listened to countless speeches about "tradition" and "the right and proper business of being a family." The same way he talked about Alluka as an "It."

As if only the foolish and misguided would dare to disagree.

_"Yeah, just like how getting paid to murder people is a right and proper business, huh, bro?"_

Killua said that, mostly to crawl under Illumi's skin, and it was one of the very, very few time Illumi struck Killua out of anger.

Illumi's hair flew across Killua's face as Illumi picked him up by the collar of his jacket, and slammed him into the wall.

There were no injuries. Illumi saved his energy for when it really mattered. Killua had certainly faced worse, but it happened in front of Milluki and Kalluto, and Gotoh and one of Gotoh's apprentices.

Milluki laughed, and Kalluto stayed silent. He heard Gotoh clear his throat, and attempt to direct Illumi to some other suddenly urgent business.

"Faggot lover," Milluki chuckled to himself, wet with cruelty.

“Killua, it’s only because I love you so very much,” Illumi said, finally, when Killua finally stood. 

Killua had to spit out blood, but he still smirked.

Killua wasn't going to love anyone, anyway. He was going to run away, and finally be free, fucking free, with no family or bullshit tradition or love tying him down.

But now Alluka filled him with love, and all he knew how to do now was hug her, and promise her he would keep her safe, no matter what.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Killua couldn't.

Gon wiped the tears away, quicker than they could fall, at first. Killua clenched the fabric of his shorts into his fists.

"I'm going to write you a million letters, okay?"

Killua bent over his knees.

"Gon, letters don't really make sense where Alluka and I are going."

Gon sniffled. "Well, emails, then! Every day. With pictures, and stuff. I'm going to travel again with Kite and her students, so there'll be a lot to show you."

Killua nodded.

"Alluka would love that," Killua replied, trying to fake calm. Gon sniffled quietly, and they looked up at each other at the same time.

Gon's face, wet and red from his almost silent tears, made Killua feel clumsy and too huge. It made Gon look shining and delicate, like crystal.

Killua looked down, again. "So would I."

"I'm sorry for crying," Gon said, again. He cried off and on for the last 24 hours. He started at dinner, when Killua asked him how he planned to get to the airport.

He cried again, in Killua's arms. Killua swallowed gulps of saliva and blood, and tamed his own heart with long gulps of oxygen as Gon pressed his face into Killua's chest.

Gon had cried, before. Gon had cried around Killua, too, before. He cried now, and Killua's curiosity itched like a healing wound. He wanted to know why.

Why now?

They would see each other again.

Separating had never been this hard before.

Now, as Gon sat with one knee under his chin, his other long leg curled around like a carved, protective hillock.

The summer heat refused to break, even deep into September. Gon decided, at some point, that shirts were totally optional. Tonight was one of those times.

Sweat pooled at the base of Gon's neck, curved up and away from Killua, as Gon sat looking at him sideways.

Killua watched it slide down the crests and valleys of Gon's back. Every breath painted new shades of bronze on that wide back. The powerful expanse of Gon's back might have seemed unwieldy and odd sharing a body with those sad, brimming brown eyes, but then, this was Gon.

Gon defied every category Killua tried to put him in.

Gon was strong, and fragile like hollow bone.

Gon was quick on his feet, and dense to a fault.

Gon was Gon was Gon, and when Killua questioned why Gon wept, openly, at their departure, he knew he could find the answer. But it would require staring into the sun, directly, until its life giving intensity destroyed his ability to see clearly.

What if Gon....

Killua couldn't.

But what if, though?

Killua had been looking at Gon, but he hadn't seen him. He didn't see him move, until Gon's long, handsome face filled his vision.

"Killua? You left again," Gon inquired, his breath hot against Killua's lips. Killua's mouth fell open, halfway between protest and invitation.

Gon accepted Killua's invitation.

It started gentle, like a greeting, but Gon's kiss took on the heat of the last, still desperately living embers of a dying fire.

One brown arm, strong and steady, curled around one white neck, a long and faint map of pink and blue trails leading to and from a heart.

That heart, in that moment, could have escaped, and found refuge inside the other's young man's chest. Two hearts next to each other, every beat following slightly behind the other, every moment filled with the sound of their life.

Gon climbed into Killua's lap, as his mouth crushed against Killua's. He dragged his teeth against the fullness of Killua's lips.

Killua's eyes were open, watching Gon's face move, seeing Gon's eyes closed, flecked with tears.

He had to wind his hands up to frame Gon's face. Not to hold Gon in place, Gon did nothing Killua didn't desperately, forcefully want, but just to give himself an out.

_We can be this close._

_But no closer._

Gon mumbled something. His free hand had been propping him up, and Killua felt Gon's body shift, clumsily, as he moved it.

_My hands on your face. Your lips and my tongue._

Killua couldn't.

Fingers rough and talented slipped in and under the hem of Killua's tee shirt. They paused, knocking on the door. Killua paused, considering. 

_We part tomorrow. I have to go. I have to. I can't._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Killua didn't know. Gon wasn't sure he knew how to tell him.

All Gon knew right now was how to want.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gon pulled his heavy lips away. Their foreheads touched. Gon's eyes were brown and gold and now those colors were the entire visible spectrum.

Killua nodded.

Gon exclaimed "Oh!" He leaned forward, and both hands, now, slipped under Killua's shirt, flat and warm against his back. 

Killua closed his eyes, and dropped his hands to the cushions of the couch, stuffing fabric into his palms. 

The hands barely paused. Their destination was set. Gon's bit his bottom lip, and concentrated. Killua stared. Gon leaned forward. 

Their arms tangled as Gon pulled Killua's shirt up. Killua's arms floated above his head. A sharp intake of breath into a now bare, pale chest, and a low, warm exhale less than a hand's width away. 

Gon was the Earth, and Killua floated back, distant, still and cold, like star light. 

Hands carved strong through hard work, and stained dark brown from the sun, silhouetted against Killua's bare chest. 

The sparkle of Gon's tears were forgotten. Gon's smile radiated satisfaction, like he'd just discovered something remarkable. 

"Killua, I love you." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Killua wanted something, even if it was never supposed to exist. 

Removing Illumi's needle from his head had freed Killua in battle. It opened his heart to risk. It allowed him to fear regret more than he feared death. 

Removing Illumi's words was not as simple. 

"Killua, you don't need friends."

Killua found friends. He fought tooth and nail next to them. He fought with blood and hands burned to cinders to keep them. 

"They will never understand, and, besides, you'll betray them eventually. Inevitably."

Been there, done that, actually. Except, even when he'd betrayed him, his friend still understood. 

"And, even if they love you, and you love them, it won't matter unless they're the right person."

Killua loved Gon. And now, maybe, Gon...

"In fact, it would be better if you didn't love her."

Her?

"It would be better if you never loved anyone."

His name is Gon Freecs.

"Love makes you sloppy. It holds you back."

He's 17, and he's shorter than I am, but when he's in the room, he's everything. He towers above me, and his smile means everything is okay. 

"You don't need to love anyone, Killua, but us."

When Killua pictures family, he pictures his sisters. Alluka's brilliant blue eyes flashed open. Her amazed smile. Nanika's intense, admiring voice. 

And, now, Killua pictured him. 

"Killua, many, many people will want you."

Maybe that was true, but Killua only wanted one person.

"You just need me, Killua. I am the only one who really loves you."

Illumi hated Alluka, and Illumi hated Killua's freedom. The person Illumi loved was the person Killua was supposed to be before Killua discovered what love really meant. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh no, Killua! I'm sorry, I didn't..." Gon stuttered, his voice tripping over his own words. 

Killua's hands were two fists balled up like the dying cores of stars. Heavy and impossible to lift.

_Idiot. Gon really was stupid._

Killua hadn't cried in a long time, actually, and he forgot how much it stung. 

Gon's mouth went soft, and even softer sounds flowed out.

How humiliating it was to reveal when something from the outside actually did manage to reach him deep inside. 

He stood up, ignoring Gon's warm words. He headed to the bathroom, and locked the door behind him.

Killua knew he couldn't. Couldn't keep them all safe. Couldn't follow Gon's wild heart. Couldn't safely land. Couldn't stop, or he would never, ever move, again. 

But, now, Killua wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahaha that E rating up there sure is a tease, huh? So much weep baby, not enough smooch baby. We'll get there. (I hope.)
> 
> Thank you for reading, so far! Comments are nice, and talking to me on tumblr is also cool! (murderxbaby.tumblr.com.)


	4. Calendar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're curious, I recommend googling images of the flowers mentioned in the story. They add an interesting flavor to the ideas I am trying to explore.

"I'm really sad, Killua," Gon said, after a time, as his mouth pressed into the back of Killua's head, muffled by soft, white hair. Killua felt Gon's words more than he heard them.

"Yeah" Killua replied moments later. He closed his eyes, tilting his head so he could rest it against Gon's shoulder.

Another night with no sleep. At least they could sleep on the bus to the airport, and then on their respective flights.

Gon's hands were wrapped around Killua's torso. They were warm, and rested right over the knot in Killua's chest.

Gon's head titled away, to lay on the cushion of the couch. Against Killua's forehead, Gon's skin felt not just warm, but hot. He didn't notice just that, though. Gon's neck felt smooth, but tightly coiled with muscle and tension. The muscles of Gon's arms were impossible, gulpingly impossible, to ignore. Gon was protecting Killua, right now.

It didn't actually make sense, of course. Of the two at this point, Killua was far and away the more powerful combatant. But, Killua felt safe, for the moment. Light and free of his burdens. At least, he would be, until their final morning together ended. 

"But, I'm really happy, too," Gon continued. Killua felt legs move behind his back as Gon tried to find a more comfortable position. Gon's head flopped back against the couch, as they sat on the floor with Gon's back resting against it, Gon's chest and shoulders acting as Killua's cushions.

They both discovered a while ago that it was a little easier to be honest when they didn't have to look each other directly in the eye. Both of them had things they needed to say, tonight, and time was running out.

"I'm happy I got to be honest with you, just like you were with me."

The truth Gon shared with Killua floated in the air. Gon hadn't said anything more, and Killua didn't say anything about it, either. It sat out there, and as Gon spoke, Killua felt like they could both see it in the distance in front of them. They'd have to talk about it, eventually, but not right now.

Gon's arms felt more important. Killua's heart beating under Gon's fingers felt more important.

"We'll be together again, Gon," Killua finally rasped, his voice raked raw by tears and silence.

"Promise?" Gon whispered, soft, and with an edge that make Killua's stomach flop with concern.

"I promise."

The warm grip around Killua's chest released. Gon held up one hand, and curled his fingers and thumb in, except for his pinky.

"Pinky swear!"

Killua laughed as he shook his head. "Gon, you nerd."

This was the least Killua could do for him.

Their pinkies curled together. Gon tugged, and Killua tugged back, until they were both giggling. Gon lifted his other hand to hold Killua's still.

"No, wait, it's not done," Gon said, a little too loudly in Killua's ear, which made Killua jump and laugh harder. "And now we seal it with a kiss!"

Gon raised his thumb up and over, straining to reach Killua's.

The pads of their thumbs brushed together. Killua's head turned, at the same time. His lips were sloppy and soft. Gon's head turned, too. They released each other's hand, and Killua shuffled his body, until he could look Gon straight in the eyes. He summoned his courage. Two eyes met his gaze. Soft and patient, but so hopeful that Killua could feel the lump in his throat. 

"I promise," Killua said. Gon nodded, and kissed him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The calendar cost more Jenny than it should have, because Gon bought it at the airport. It was small, more like a planner, and it fit comfortably in an inner pocket of his back pack.

Gon opened the thin plastic wrapping as soon as he found his seat on the airship. He thumbed through until he found the current month. He crossed off today's date with a thick, black X. He started crossing off every day, as soon as he woke up, and tallying the days in the lower right corner of each day.

1 day since he'd left Killua.

2 days since Killua returned to be with Alluka again.

3 days since he'd told Killua he loved him.

4 days since Gon started waiting.

Each month of the calendar was illustrated with tiny flowers in the corner. He didn't know all of their names, but it turned out Podungo Lapoy knew a bunch about them and the "language of flowers."

"Every culture has its own flower language, but based on my understanding, here's what each flower in your calendar means," Podungo said slowly, with her careful, precise articulation. Beside each picture, Podungo would write in the flower's name, and a small phrase describing the flower's meaning.

Gon waited, and considered what flowers, and everything else, now meant.

 

 

 

 **August**  
_Tulips_  
_Declaration of Love_

Gon and Killua parted in August. Gon returned to Whale Island, briefly, and Mito immediately knew something was wrong.

"I'm fine, Mito! Killua is doing good, and I'm gonna go see Kite, again, before school starts again," Gon insisted, anyway.

Gon had been playing catch up for the last few years with his studies, in between visiting his friends and comrades all over the world. Mito looked over her shoulder, as Gon stared absently at his phone, and then at his new calendar, and then back at his phone, when he'd promised to do homework.

"Gon, come help me with something," Mito said, wiping her hands off on her apron.

Gon was taller than Mito, now, officially. He set his pouting mouth, and nodded stiffly, exactly how he had when he was a child, and didn't feel like obeying.

Mito led Gon out to the yard, and pointed up at the apple tree with full, overflowing boughs.

"I can't reach the top as easily as I used to, Gon. Can you help?"

Gon felt his energy lift under the shining Whale Island summer sun. The tree looked almost as delicious as an apple, covered in bright green, with ruby jewels peeking out against the bright, blue sky.

Climbing this tree had been one of Gon's first real challenges. Mito chided him, time and time over, when he tried. He'd inevitably fall when reaching for some piece of red fruit. She'd shake her head, and he'd jump up into the tree's arms the next day, all the same.

Soon, he could get any apple he set his eyes on. No matter how tall, or how carefully he'd need to bend and contort and cling.

A bit later, Mito just shook her head, and asked Gon to fetch apples for pie, or prune the dead growth from the tallest branches.

Now, it was no challenge at all to swing up into the crowded branches, and angle his head towards the sky. He only had to take a bit more care to avoid the slimmer, weaker branches with the heft of his adult form.

Gon gathered the apples into the itchy fabric of the harvesting satchel. He moved quickly, but handled the fruit with practiced gentleness. Mito would frown at every bruised, ruined piece, and Gon had learned how to carefully channel his enthusiasm away from the fruit's delicate flesh.

He didn't need to look at Mito, as she bustled in her garden nearby. After some time in the fragrant summer air, Gon's mind had wandered far away. Back to that room, and that last week, and blue eyes clouding over with unspoken need.

He looked down. The firm, green-tinted fruit had collapsed between his strong fingers into sweet, thick mush.

"Aunt Mito, do you have a towel?"

Mito looked up, and Gon waved his hand in her general direction, apple sauce and green skin flying in every direction. A bit of mushed fruit hit Mito's cheek as she stepped closer, and they both succumbed to a serious fit of the giggles. Mito left to grab a towel, and Gon carefully hopped to the ground. He placed the bag of apples gingerly down with his clean hand.

Gon plopped onto the ground, and held the saucy hand out over the grass. The heat of the summer sun sank into his bones. A blooming realization pulled his knees up.

Mito found him curled up in the grass, looking sadly at his hand.

"Here, gimme," Mito commanded. She pulled up Gon's hand, and wiped off the mess.

Gon could barely see his Aunt's face, but her tone painted a clear picture in his mind.

"Something's on your mind, young man. Spill."

Gon pulled the towel into his hands. He balled it up, and set his chin on it. He looked past Mito's legs, towards the line  
hung with freshly washed laundry. The safe smell of detergent and sun warmed fruit filled him.

"I love Killua, Aunt Mito," Gon whispered. Mito bent over, habitually, at Gon's muttering. But she heard. She straightened, and made a sound Gon couldn't quite recognize. With a twirl, and a loud exhale, Mito sat on the ground next to her nephew.

Silence finally lifted Gon's head. He looked over at his Aunt, who's head tipped back, with closed eyes. She opened one eye towards Gon, and smiled.

"I know, Gon," Mito said, with an expression that was not quite a smile, and not quite a grimace.

"How did you know?" Gon asked, seriously. He'd only realized it less than a week ago. He'd said it the moment the truth filled his heart.

Mito laughed, a little. She wrapped her arm around her nephew's wide shoulders, and pulled him closer.

"Gon, you've loved Killua since you were young. Since you first brought him here, I knew you loved him."

Mito's voice was bright, but her eyes and smile looked clouded. Her gaze traveled sideways, and Gon realized he was blushing.

"But, I didn't know," Gon said, wishing he didn't feel so foolish.

Mito pressed her face into Gon's hair. She gave him a small kiss.

"I know that, too, Gon," Mito said. She leaned back. The tree's branches swayed above them, and Mito leaned back to watch. The breeze felt cold, to Gon, and he pulled his knees in closer.

"So?" Mito finally asked.

"So?" Gon asked, seriously, in return.

"So, what did Killua say, Gon?"

Gon turned his head. His cheek rested on his hands. It made him sound almost as muddled as his memories felt as he spoke.

"He, um....didn't really say anything," Gon said. He couldn't bear to tell Mito that saying this made Killua cry.

Killua cried, and Gon held him, and the only thing Gon heard, for hours afterward, was Killua's only response.

_"I can't."_

"Oh, Gon," Mito whispered. Gon blinked, a few times, and tipped his head up. Mito sounded so sad.

"That must have really hurt, Gon," Mito continued.

"Hurt?" Gon asked.

He would never have used that word. He told Killua he was sad about parting. That was still true. Sad, and lonely. Every day, he felt a little lonelier. Every day, he sent Killua at least one email, and every day, he went to bed disappointed when he didn't get one in return.

Every day, he wondered what happened. Every day, he felt like there was an answer waiting for him, far across the waters, but it was always running, always moving, and he could never, ever hunt it down.

"It must have hurt to be so honest with your friend, and not have it turn out the way you wanted," Mito suggested, gently, with a voice that carefully floated between them.

Gon didn't want anything when he told Killua he loved him. Gon just wanted him to know. He needed to let the words out, as soon as they were born. They gripped his stomach, and clawed at his throat.

Now, the memory left Gon confused.

Gon shook his head. Mito continued to smile at him in that careful way. The way that told him she thought he was being stubborn, or foolish. His stomach grew warm with a slow simmer of anger.

"I don't...it's not...It's fine, it doesn't hurt, Aunt Mito," Gon said, scrambling, losing track of the words as they ran away from him.

"Gon," Mito said, less soft, and instead commanding his full attention. "Gon, it's okay to be sad. You aren't doing anything wrong to Killua if you're sad."

Gon found himself facing his aunt, full on. He wanted to say something, at that, but he couldn't. He wanted to say anything, to that, but he couldn't.

Instead, Mito opened her arms, and Gon fell into them. He didn't cry, but his lip quivered, and Mito rocked him a little, just like when he was small.

"Gon," Mito said, after she finally released him, and he knelt back to look at her. "Sometimes, love isn't enough."

 

 

 

**September**  
_Blue Periwinkle_  
_ Early friendship _

Spinner eyed Gon nervously, and then with irritation, and then angrily.

"You've been staring off into space for the past hour! What if someone attacks us? I thought you were supposed to be a bodyguard!" shouted the woman, between snaps of her gum. To punctuate the point, she poked Gon right in the forehead. He yelped, and pressed his palm to his forehead.

"Hey, I thought you were a pro Hunter now, too, Spinner," came a low, pacifying voice from behind them. Gon smiled appreciatively at Monta, walking a few paces behind. 

Spinner spun around, walking backwards to scowl at Monta.

"I'm sorry, Spinner, and Monta. This place is just giving me deja-vu," Gon said, forcing his smile as wide as he could manage.

The tunnel was natural, carved deeply into the mountain. It was cold, and dripping with naturally occurring moisture, and not actually very much like the human creation Gon ran through with Killua, Kurapika and Leorio during their Hunter's exam. Despite that, 

Gon couldn't shake this reverie.

Remembering his younger days, and his younger friends, was a reliable way for Gon to cheer himself up, until recently.

Now, it made him notice a hollow space inside his chest.

Leorio hadn't changed much, physically, but his Zodiac appointment combined with his medical school studies left him stretched thin. He didn't keep weight on, and often had huge circles under his eyes. Leorio still made time for Gon, which Gon is always incredibly grateful for.

Gon hadn't seen Kurapika in a long time, but he knew Kurapika had grown only slightly taller. He was still elegant and mature beyond his years. Gon missed Kurapika deeply, from time to time, and his mind fluttered past the image of younger Kurapika like a leaf caught in the wind.

Killua was now twice the size he had been during the exam. Gon imagined that poof of wild, white hair could probably barely reach Gon's chest, now, even while riding on his skate board.

Killua's hair was still wild, too, but now it was long enough to sweep back into a short pony tail, or pull into a loose, sloppy bun. Gon giggled when Killua giggled at how it looked, but it didn't look bad, at all. It looked great, Gon thought. It pulled the hair away from Killua's face, so its shape and shadows looked longer. It was easier to see Killua's big, blue eyes, too, which Gon liked.

The red and yellow skateboard had been retired, too. Killua now rode a long board. Apparently, Alluka rode one too, and was great at it. Gon tried it, but it wasn't really as much fun as the skate board. It moved slower, but felt steadier. Killua laughed when Gon explained why he didn't know if he liked this new version.

"I don't use the board to do tricks, though. I use it to get around, and pick Alluka up from school, you know?"

Killua's eyes closed, when he laughed, and when they opened again, they considered Gon from across the room. The memory of that laugh felt a touch warm, and a touch distant.

Monta's large hand felt astoundingly gentle, compared to the size, but Gon still jumped when Monta patted his back.

"You do seem distracted, Gon," Monta said. "Try and stay on your toes, anyway, okay?"

Gon nodded. He gripped the straps of his backpack, and jogged ahead, towards the end of the tunnel, where the light returned.

 

 

 

 **October**  
_Coreopsis_  
_Love at First Sight_

"You keep staring at this page in your calendar, Gon," Stick Dinner said, with a wink, as Gon ate his final meal with his friends, before traveling back to Whale Island.

Podungo's careful handwriting stood in eye-catching contrast with the loose, sketchy illustrations of the flowers. Gon had looked over all of them, but now, on this first day of October, he couldn't stop looking at the corner of the page.

"Hmmm, love at first sight, huh?" Stick said, peering over Gon's shoulder. Gon slammed the calendar shut, in his lap, and looked up at his friend.

"Haha, that explains a lot, kiddo," Stick said, wiping his hands on his pants as he took a seat next to Gon by the fire. Gon wrinkled his nose, and smiled sadly.

"Does it?" Gon asked, sheepish and quiet. Stick was such an exuberant, fun person, but his words sent Gon's heart onto its back foot. 

"Mmm, yeah, if'n you don't mind me saying so," Stick said, cheerful, but with cautious edge. Gon didn't say anything for a while, and Stick jammed his toe gently against the edge of the fire, sending sparks everywhere.

"We're always happy when you're able to travel with us, Gon. You're a ton of fun, and your optimism makes missions a ton easier. But, we've all noticed that you haven't really been yourself, this time," Stick continued. His foot moved slowly, and he swiped his thumb across his nose. "And I reckon I might have a guess why. Am I right?"

Gon set the notebook down. He criss-crossed his legs, and balanced his elbows on his knees. He looked over at his friend. Stick gave him a wide, familiar smile. Gon tried to smile back.

"Yeah, I...yeah, you're right," Gon said. He sighed. "I didn't think it was that obvious."

Stick laughed, which was always a kind, jangling sound. "I don't know if I'd say it's obvious. Just, you know, a little clouds over your usual sunshine. So?" Stick turned, and stuck his finger gently into Gon's fore arm. "Whose the lucky girl?"

A numb, cold jolt stilled Gon's breath. He didn't know if he'd ever felt this exact type of discomfort before. If it surprised Gon, it shocked Stick. The lanky man's long arms floated up above in a confused scramble, as she blushed, and shook his head.

"Oh, no, I'm sorry Gon! I should have...that was...I should have known better, I'm so sorry! I'm such a bumpkin sometimes," Stick said, with his sprawling, lengthy accent. Gon threw his hands up, too, to try and reassure this flustered man.

"It's okay! You didn't do anything wrong! It's not! I mean...there's no lucky...it's not...like that!" Gon said, with a small laugh. He pulled his hand back behind his head, and gripped his hair with tightly curled fingers.

Stick let out a long moaning sigh. He bent his arms, until both of his hands rested on his thick poof of hair.

"You don't have to answer that, Gon. I mean....girl, guy, somewhere in between. I mean...it doesn't matter, right? Love is love, buddy," Stick said. His eyes were closed, as he shoved the words out of his mouth.

Gon nodded.

The night wasn't silent, as the fire crackled cheerily besides them. However, words unspoken made both of them aware of the discomfort living in the distance between them.

Gon shivered, even though the fire was lively and hot.

"Do you think it's possible to love someone, but not realize it?" Gon asked. Stick grunted in surprise.

"I think anything's possible, kid. I don't think I've ever done that, myself, but..." Stick said. His voice was never exactly quiet, but it was reverent and appropriately shaded by darkness and fire light. "Maybe you did know, but you didn't know you knew. You know?"

Gon widened his eyes, and mouthed back Stick's confusing words. "I knew, but didn't know?"

Stick tipped his head up to look through the canopy of trees above into the starry sky.

Gon felt deeply grateful that his friend was taking this conversation seriously, even if it was also awkward. These questions had been floating in his blood vessels and muscles, bouncing against his bones, leaving him distracted and tired, for the entire trip. Speaking them aloud seemed to free them, one word at a time.

"Hmmmm," Stick said, before blowing air through his lips in a rush of frustration. "I mean, like, your body knew, but your mind didn't, right?"

The relief Gon had managed to breath in disappeared as his breath flew out in a loud gasp.

"My body?!"

Stick sat up, and threw his hands over his face.

"Oh, for goodness's sake, I am the worst at this! Ugh, I'm such a creep!" Stick shouted. Soft, annoyed grumbles sounded from the nearby tents. Gon and Stick both pressed their hands to their mouths, only to giggle loudly when they saw each other's reactions.

Gon curled his fingers into a fist. "It's okay, Stick, I think I understand," Gon said, over the top of his hand. Stick shook his head. 

"I have had a few lady friends, Gon, and I know I loved them. I don't think it's always something you realize until it's over, you know?"

"Until it's over?" Gon repeated, again. "What do you mean?"

Stick frowned. He looked serious, and sad. 

"You wouldn't be here alone with us right now if it wasn't over, would you?"

The rest of the night unfolded in stages inside of Gon. He fell silent, and Stick wished Gon a good night. 

"You're a great kid, Gon. You deserve someone who doesn't hesitate to let you know that." 

Gon didn't want to leave the fire. He had never been afraid of the dark, but right now something scared him. 

The fire burned down to soft, hotly glowing cinders. 

Gon thought about a lot of things, as sleep failed to take him. 

He thought about how he didn't feel like he was alone. He felt like he was waiting. 

For two blue eyes crowded with tears. For the punch to the gut of seeing his best friend cry in front of him for the first time.

For the words on his lips. "I love you." He only said them once, but they sang in his ears like an echo, ever since. 

For his own heart, and mind, and body to align with the truth he rushed headlong into, without realizing. 

Gon loved Killua, and he always had, but now he was here. And all he could do now was wait. 

 

 

 

**November**  
_Iris_  
_I Have a Message for You_

The storms in November meant Whale Island natives crowded close together in warm homes, by fires and large pots of simmering fish stew. Mito and grandma bustled downstairs, and Gon had finished all of his homework, so he settled in to send emailed notes to his friends all over the world. 

Killua's email address had been the forgotten song lyric on the tip of Gon's tongue for the past few months, and when he opened his inbox to see it sitting near the top of his unread messages, an old, favorite song played at full volume as Gon read the message.

_**Subject Line: Hey dude** _

_Body: sorry it took so long for me to send you an email. Alluka and I have been looking at schools. Alluka wants to study art! I've attached a few of her recent works for you to look at it. She's amazing. I think we've found some good options for her._

_I don't know when we'll be done. I hope you had a good trip with Kite. We enjoyed the pictures, a lot. That cave looked nuts! It looked so blue inside. Your photos of it were awesome._

_I'll let you know the next time we're settled down for a while. Probably won't be until next year though._

_Oh, I have a new phone number. I'll text it to you. We should talk soon, if you want. I'd like to hear your voice._

_I miss you._

Gon slid back from the computer, for a moment. He pulled out his phone. There was a text waiting for him from a new number. 

"me n alluka -killua"

Attached was the new number, and a beautiful photo of the two of them. 

Alluka smiled just beside Killua, who held the camera. 

Alluka's hair was swept up in a bun, and covered with flowers. Gon imagined the contrast of Killua's careful fingers weaving the long, black hair with the stems of flowers Alluka had just picked. He felt sunshine warmth on his skin, even though rain and wind nearly blew in his bedroom window. 

Killua didn't smile in the photo, but Gon smiled at his phone anyway. Killua's eyes were quiet, and gentle. There was a breeze when they took the photo. It blew strands of black hair across Alluka's smiling face, and ruffled the white fluff of Killua's hair. 

Gon set the phone down, and returned to his keyboard. The texture of Killua's hair was thicker than Gon had expected, a little coarse, and very satisfying to the touch. He imagined the feel of it under his fingers, against the side of his neck, and pressed to his lips.

He pulled up the draft sitting in his inbox for weeks. It was addressed to Killua. He wrote it late one night, before he'd left to visit Kite, after he'd spoken to Mito about being in love 

_"Subject line: I'm sorry_

_Body: Hi Killua,_

_I hope you and Alluka are having a good time! I'm sorry I didn't get to see Alluka last time. Tell her Hi for me!_

_I'm sorry I haven't sent you an email in a while. I'm sorry that I left things the way that I did. I'm sorry I upset you so much with what I said. It was pretty silly of me to say something like that, I guess. I'm sorry._

_But, I guess now I'm kind of confused. I was really happy when we were together this summer. I thought you were happy too. I get that I can't travel with you, right now. It's not safe, and you're both busy. It's not a vacation. I know that._

_I want to know what I did wrong. I want to try and make it right. I want to talk to you. I guess. Even if you don't feel the same way I do, it's okay. Even if we don't do that stuff anymore, that's okay, too. I don't want to lose you. No matter what._

_I miss you. I can't wait to talk to you again."_

The email sat unfinished, there. Gon quickly erased most of it, until all that was left was: 

_"Hi Killua,_

_I miss you. I can't wait to talk to you again."_

This time, he added. 

_"Love,  
Gon"_

 

 

 

**December**  
_Almond_  
_Flowering Hope_

The phone call came and went so quickly Gon thought he might have dreamed it. He woke up to an unfamiliar jingle. He realized, with a blush, it was the ring tone he'd assigned to Killua's phone number. 

"Hello?" Gon said. 

"Gon?" Killua asked. He said, rushing out Gon's name, like he was a little nervous. Gon's heart jumped. 

"Killua!"

"Hope it's not too early," Killua continued, his voice light, the tone rich. Gon didn't realize how much he'd missed just listening to it. 

"It's a little early, but that's okay!" Gon replied, thickly. He had been sleeping, but that was alright. He bounced out of bed. He opened the curtains as the thin sunlight of winter started to rise over the horizon. 

"Oh, my bad," Killua said. He laughed, and Gon laughed, and laughing together felt so good. 

"I'm..." Killua started, and then stopped. Gon waited. Killua started again. "What are you doing for New Year's?"

Gon tilted his head back. He watched the light cut his ceiling into even squares. Precise corners. Lining up carefully. Precisely dissected.

"Leorio invited me to stay with him in the city where he's going to school. He's going to rent a suite," Gon said. His stomach went funny as he shared this. 

"Oh, sounds fun," Killua said. "That answers my question, then."

"Your question, Killua?" Gon replied, a beat too quickly, cutting off Killua's final syllable. 

Killua paused, and Gon heard Killua breath. He imagined he could hear Killua's eyes close, and nose wrinkle, that way it always did when he had to take a moment to collect his thoughts. 

"Oh, just, Alluka and I were going to go back to the World Tree. They throw a big New Year's festival, and Alluka wanted to visit one more time before she starts school next year," Killua said. He clipped each word short. 

"Oh," Gon said. His lips curled down, and his voice dipped. He walked backwards until his legs touched his bed. 

"Gon," Killua said. The sound was long, long, stretching out lazily over the waves carrying their conversation between continents. "After that, I don't know when I'll be free, again. I have a lot to do to get Alluka ready for school, but, I..."

Killua trailed off. Gon sat down. He placed both hands over the phone, trying to steady it. 

"Killua, I..."

"After she's...I mean, if you want..."

"Yes! Yes, I do."

Killua gulped. Gon blinked his eyes, hard. They stung, and he realized how sleepy he still felt. 

"I'll let you know when, but maybe not until next summer. Is that okay?"

Gon imagined the next stretch of months. It would be a long time. But, maybe now it wouldn't be so bad. 

"Can I call you, sometimes?"

"Of course, Gon, you can always call me. I can't always pick up, but, I..."

"Killua?"

"What, Gon?"

"I thought you hated me, I guess," Gon admitted. He felt stupid saying it. He heard Killua's sigh, suggesting Killua thought so, too.

"I don't hate you, Gon. I don't...it's the opposite, okay? I don't hate you at all," Killua said. 

Gon knew that, really. And yet, months had passed before they'd said anything to each other. Anything at all. Gon wiped his tears away, and Killua pulled him into his arms, and they hugged, not anywhere near long enough, and Killua turned to catch his flight. Gon sat, and didn't cry, anymore, but had to hold his breath to stop himself from shaking. Nothing since then. 

"I actually figured you were mad at me, Gon," Killua said, as Gon sat quietly with his memories. Gon nearly jumped. He moved the phone from one side of his head to the other as he shook his head.

"No! I would never be mad at you. Why did you think that?" Gon asked, feeling his voice squeak like he was 14 again in his surprise. Gon heard the creak and click of a door on Killua's side of the phone call. 

"You told me you loved me, Gon, and I just...fucking cried, like a baby."

Gon's throat tightened at the memory. He squeezed the phone, as his hands shook a little more.

"I'm not mad. I just missed you. I just don't like being apart, anymore," Gon whispered. Killua had sought privacy for this conversation, and Gon followed with careful words. 

"I don't like it, either, but..." Killua said. This conversation was a familiar, treacherous path across dark, icy cold waters. Gon knew it, too, and shook his head. Today needed sunshine. 

"So, I'll just plan on calling you later, okay? And we can plan...when you're done...I can see you again. Is that okay?"

Killua gave a wordless sound of agreement. Gon heard him nod.

"That's great, Gon." 

Gon smiled. This was a plan. They had a plan. Gon nodded. 

The sun bloomed through his window as the clouds moved in the sky. Inspiration struck.

"Can I..."Gon started, tentative. Killua hummed, curiously. Gon swallowed his heart back down into his chest. "Can I take you out on a date, Killua? Next time?"

There was a clunk, and a muffled curse.

"Killua?!"

The sounds were a confusing scramble, and then Gon heard Killua's voice again. 

"Uh, well, but it'll be hard to do that, Gon," Killua replied, and Gon frowned. 

"Oh, okay..."

"Wait, no, because I'm going to do it," Killua said, quickly. "The date. I'm going to...take you...okay? The first one's mine."

Gon's blood quickened, and pulsed red hot. "No, I asked first!" 

Killua chuckled. "You'll never beat me in a million years, Gon. Gonna spring it on you out of nowhere. It'll be amazing and romantic, and you're gonna be blown the fuck away."

Gon pulled his knees underneath his body. He bounced up, and down, on the bed, shaking his head. Killua just laughed. Gon fell back on the bed, too giddy to stay still. He kicked his long legs over the end of his too-small bed. 

"Wait, a minute," Gon said. "Um, so are we...before the date, does that mean?"

"What, Gon?" 

"Are we dating if we haven't had a date yet?"

"Oh, I don't know, I guess," Killua replied, quietly. 

Gon thought about it, a little more. He thought about it, and wanted to say it, just to feel it in his mouth. 

"Boyfriend?" Gon asked, trying it out with a quiet voice. 

"Huh?" Killua said, meeting Gon's volume. "Gon?"

"Nevermind," Gon said, quickly. "I'll talk to you later, okay, Killua? It's late where you are, right?" 

"Mmm, yeah," Killua said. 

Gon didn't understand everything happening to him, anymore, but the swirl of emotions made him kick his legs, and switch the phone from one side of his head, to the other, again.

"Thank you for calling, Killua! I really appreciate it." 

"Of course. Hope you have a good day."

"You too!"

What now? Gon mouthed it, but the phone call had already ended, and he barely heard it himself.

"I love you, Killua."

He was so happy, really, and yet the shape of those words in his mouth fit awkward, like a gag, like something squeezing his chest until he couldn't breath.

He reached into his bedside drawer, and pulled out the calendar. He crossed off the day. He started a new tally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was getting out of hand! (What?! Murder Baby's writing got out of hand for her? No way!?) Yes, way. It's true. So, I hope this holds together, somewhat, and sets the stage for the next set of stuff I'm excited for. These kiddos are taking me on a whole journey, and it's fun to see where it's going. 
> 
> I'm on the tumbles! Join me at murderxbaby.tumblr.com.


	5. Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CN: A bit more violence, mentions of porn, implications that teenage boys masturbate, oh gosh, watch out.

At first, you don't feel anything.

The air stops. It doesn't freeze. It's not cold, and it's not hot. Everything is still, for a moment.

And then, everything moves.

At first, they would just shock one finger. One hand. One arm. His stomach. His leg.

The muscles would contract, after that length of stillness. They would move on their own. The electricity pulling them, curling them, unfolding them, snapping them.

It hurt. Fuck, yes, of course it hurt. Killua's skin could never hide bruises, could never disguise injury. Angry red lines where the probes dragged across his skin. Deep purple galaxies where his body slammed into the table, or the wall, or the floor. He would be a canvas of sore, oozing sensations for days afterward. He wore long sleeves, and pants, at his mother's insistence. She found looking at his skin troubling.

It never stopped hurting.

Eventually, he could just ignore the pain. Mostly.

Eventually, even with bolts like lightning traveling through every cell in his body, he could still move.

The goal was never to stop the pain. The goal was to stay alive, and keep moving.

At first, Killua didn't feel anything.

He couldn't stop. He had to keep moving.

"Killua, I love you."

He cried despite himself. He wept openly. He spoke with sputtering, choking words.

"I can't."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alluka watched him from over the top of her phone. She'd been texting her friends from school almost non-stop the entire flight. Somehow, though, her eyes could travel up and away from her screen without her thumb resting for a moment.

"You didn't tell him, did you?" Alluka asked, dry as a brush fire. Killua's eyes closed, and he wished he could respond to Alluka's tone with his own sarcastic, smart-ass response.

Instead, he just sighed, and shook his head. He'd only taken a half measure, which was the same in her eyes.

He was tired. Suddenly, Killua was more interesting than Alluka's phone. Pretty remarkable, considering that Alluka was 16 years old now, and by all accounts the most popular girl at her school by a wide margin.

"Huh, but then why do you look so...different?"

Killua's spine was bent like a question mark. He felt stiff, and unsure. He sat up. His sister put her phone down, and lifted her eyebrows.

"Different?" Killua asked.

Alluka unfolded her crossed legs. She stood, and twirled, taking the seat next to her brother. She wore leggings, and a long tunic, which should have looked like fancy pajamas, but she was his sister, after all, so instead it looked remarkably chic. Her hair was still long, and flowed behind her head like the snap of a whip as she moved with precision.

"Fuller. Not so empty," Alluka said. She grabbed Killua's hand, and curled up against his shoulder, something she hadn't done in what felt like years.

"Oh yeah?" Killua asked. He felt really, really tired, he hadn't slept at all the previous night, and so he laid his head back. He didn't need to sleep every night, he probably never would, but he still preferred the feeling of being rested.

"Normally, when you get done visiting Gon, you're all emptied out. Like how Nanika and I feel after a big wish," Alluka said, weaving their fingers together, another flash from the past. Killua realized he'd missed having his sister this close. He leaned his head against hers.

"It always makes me feel a little sad when you talk about wishes like that, Alluka," Killua whispered. Alluka shook her head, jostling Killua's face in the process.

"You don't need to feel sad, brother, you're the one who made sure we didn't have to grant bad wishes anymore, remember?" Alluka said. She squeezed his hand, and then leaned back, against the window. She pulled her feet up, and curled up next to him, and yawned.

Everything Killua could do, he'd done for Alluka. He found her a place she could go to school, safely, and be respected for who she was. He leveraged every connection he'd ever made to guarantee that she could simply be a teenage girl.

Alluka would never, ever grant a cruel wish again, as long as Killua drew breath into his lungs.

She smiled at him, and he smiled back, easily.

"That's why you need to tell Gon!" Alluka said, her sweet smile curling into a mischievous smirk. She lifted one toe, and poked into his his arm. He reached over and tickled her calf until she howled and nearly kicked him in the eye.

"What, why is that why?" Killua asked.

Alluka pulled both feet away. She sat up, suddenly poised and mature beyond her years. When she looked like, Killua felt like he was in the presence of his stately mother. However, Alluka's eyes were kind, and her smile was softened by her compassion.

"Because you deserve to feel as full and happy as Nanika and I do, since you're the one who made us this happy."

Killua had assumed he'd cried out every tear a body could possibly produce, but he felt the warm, wet streak on his cheeks. Alluka leaned over, and pulled him into her embrace.

There were times Killua forgot who had rescued whom from the Zoldyck estate all those years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Silence came first. He'd begun to master countless other skills, of course. Foreign languages; every hand weapon known to human kind - including throwing darts - acrobatics; and endurance training. He built his stamina in every conceivable way. He built it running, swimming, or crawling on his belly through kilometers of enclosed air vents.

But those were the skills of a fighter, a spy, a warrior, or an athlete.

An assassin is silent.

Killua moved in silence for his first kill. It worked. It ended with his target's shocked, panicked scream.

Learning to twist his fingers into claws hurt. It still made Killua cringe to do it. But, now it was fast. He could do it without the yelp of pain he'd had to bite his tongue to contain.

Human skin was soft, but resilient. It tore like wet paper as his claws flashed through the air.

The body landed, wet and heavy, against the cold tile floor.

The man was standing in his bathroom, shaving. Maybe it would look like he'd been trying to do it to himself. It didn't matter. Killua would leave his shoes by the door, soles soaked in blood, and climb to the roof, hands wet and red.

He was 6 years old.

The next kill demanded silence from himself, and from the victim.

He had to cover her mouth with one hand, and move even faster.

There was more blood. He left coated in it. He had to ditch his outfit, changing in an alley near the building.

His brother waited for him in the back seat of a luxury sedan nearby. He couldn't see through the blacked out windows, but when the door slid open, Killua hopped in without needing to look at his brother to confirm. He could sense his brother easily. Older than him, but not actually that much older. He just felt older. Almost as old as his dad. Sometimes, he felt like he was even older than grandpa.

Black eyes that missed nothing did not miss the streaks on Killua's dirty cheeks. Illumi stared, briefly in the span of time, but long enough to get Killua's attention, despite his exhaustion.

"What, brother?"

Illumi grabbed Killua's chin, so quickly the boy cried out, and the driver nearly crashed the car as her eyes were pulled back around to stare.

"What is this?" Illumi asked. His thumb reached up to the apple of Killua's cheek. He traced the thin, wet line connecting Killua's blue eyes from his curl of his chin.

Killua had cried. He didn't realize it until he had pulled his dirty shirt over his head, felt the wet streak, and tasted the salt.

There was rumble of angry thunder in Killua's belly. He'd done a good job. He did exactly what Illumi said to do. Exactly what his father would have expected. Every part. He left no trace. He kept her silent. He placed her body very carefully in the bathtub, so the blood would drain without leaving a mess.

Illumi squeezed Killua chin. It moved from uncomfortable to unbearable so fast Killua couldn't react. His nerves fought with his brain. Flee, or freeze?

Illumi's eyes were so dark, and so unrelenting, that Killua wasn't allowed a choice.

Killua shook his head.

"Silence. You must be silent, my dear little brother," Illumi said. He stroked Killua's cheek with his thumb. His long fingers squeezed Killua's chin with steady, vice-like force.

It was an ugly, gurgling sound, and Killua's anger bubbled out alongside the words.

"I was....I was silent. No one heard anything. I muffled her voice, I kept my hand over her mouth the entire time," Killua said. His voice constricted to a thin whisper by the end.

Illumi released Killua's chin, and brought both hands to Killua's face. His brother cupped his cheeks softly. It was tender. It made Killua's heart pound with fear.

"Silence doesn't just mean making no sound. You must be silent inside. Your heart, your mind, your feelings, your desire. They all must be silent," Illumi said, curling his long neck over Killua's head, the black bangs brushing against Killua's forehead.

"You are a weapon, Killu. You are a killer. You don't need to feel anything about what you have done. You do it because you are asked. You murder because you are told. You are nothing. You are just the work. Do you understand?"

Killua didn't want to cry, ever again. He wanted to cut skin with his teeth. He wanted to bring out his claws, and shred the fake leather seats, the fabric of his shorts.

He wanted to pull his brother's hands away. He wanted to squeeze, and squeeze.

He said nothing. He did nothing. After a moment, Illumi freed his face.

"Do you, my dear Killu?"

Killua nodded.

"I love you so very much, dear Killu. You are magnificent, and you will grow up to be great."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Both of them are?!" Gon asked, when he heard Killua mention for the first time that both of his parents were assassins. Ridiculous and sincere. Gon's go-to approach to life.

Killua's parents were both assassins, and every time he'd ever told anyone else, even people much older than himself, they assumed he was just lying.

Maybe he wasn't lying. Maybe, sometimes, he just wished it wasn't true.

He loved his father. Silva is amazing, and Silva is strong. His father expected Killua to take after him. Silva expected Killua to take his place, someday. To sit in that dark room, attended to by an army of expressionless servants, venturing out into the world to end lives.

He knew his mother loved him. She loved the future she envisioned for him. The steps she had taken to mold and shape him meant he could never really please her. They fought every day, or so it seemed, in the years before he left.

Killua remembers telling people seriously what his family did. He received skeptical looks, or concerned looks. Sometimes, he'd see looks of cruelty, or yearning. They'd proposition. It was never entirely a joke.

Soon, Killua told it to see what kind of reaction he would get. The laugh of disbelief felt the same as admiration.

Gon looked at Killua with sincere admiration, real curiosity, and without appearing horrified.

Gon really was weird.

Gon really was a lot of things, it turned out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You're doing it again, brother," Alluka called, from the other room. Her head popped out. Killua flinched, and dropped his phone in his lap, like it had suddenly turned red hot.

"Doin' what?" Killua shouted back, as if they didn't both know.

"Staring at the email Gon sent you tonight, and not responding, like a creep!"

Killua huffed. He wished he'd been caught doing something else, honestly, something comparatively less embarrassing. Alluka only walked in on the porn watching once. Just once, but he would never live it down. Alluka giggled about it, sometimes, but mostly she had the good grace now to always knock when the door was closed.

He hadn't even been doing that, lately.

It had been an admittedly ill-formed strategy. Figure out someone, or something, that would work better than round, honey colored eyes. That could distract him from how big hands with strong fingers felt held between his fingers. Help him forget the smell of the sea, and a mossy forest, and sun-warmed soil.

Sometimes, it worked okay. To be fair, it was rarely a total failure, strictly speaking. Killua was approaching the end of his teenage years, and, well, it wasn't exactly rocket science.

Now, though, he had tried, a few late and restless nights, and it was utterly hopeless.

All he could see behind his eyelids was Gon. Every touch of his own hand was insignificant, and taunting, and incomplete, because when Gon touched Killua, he did it so differently. Steady, and unyielding.

Shamelessly.

Killua mouthed the word, and blushed. Shameless often sounded like bad thing, or something to be avoided.

Gon was shameless, and it was the best possible thing about him.

Eyes glowed intensely as they moved across Killua's face, and neck. A mouth smiled, and smirked, and two eyes narrowed in concentration as Gon explored the borders of their bodies.

Killua built walls, and Gon wanted to knock them all down.

Gon would have.

In a heartbeat, he would have. Killua could have taken everything from Gon. Gon would have accepted everything from Killua.

_"Killua, I love you."_

It wouldn't have made any sense. Nothing about how Killua felt made any sense. Before, it was a stupid, unrequited, painful, sweet, and probably endless crush.

Now, the undiscovered future was as terrifyingly wide as the horizon.

Killua wanted to make his own choices, but now that would mean accepting the consequences.

What happened if he accepted everything, now? What happened if Gon continued to pretend like this?

If it finally happened, Gon would never be able to take it back. The bell would be rung. The cat out of the bag.

Gon never thought things through. Killua promised that he would never allow Gon to do that to himself again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Brother, I want to go to art school."

Killua had just wiped down the table, and Alluka stood at the sink, finishing their dishes after dinner. She had been weird and cagey all dinner. She would fidget, and stare into the distance.

(Alluka spoke to Nanika, sometimes, especially when she was nervous and scared, and Killua watched her do that a lot lately.)

Killua didn't say anything, but he felt a few different feelings at once.

An astonishing amount of pride at his talented, brave little sister.

Fear, an immense amount of fear, fear unlike anything he'd felt since he was still a Hunter.

A hope that he didn't screw this up. This was an important test, he thought, of how far he'd come as Alluka's big brother.

"Like, when you graduate from high school?"

Alluka turned around, and pulled her hair out of her ponytail. Her hair had grown very long, long like her neck and face. She shook her head. She looked so grown up. Killua realized with a jolt that he now understood why adults were always saying that to him as he grew up. It was just a reminder of how much this person mattered to you. The amount of change they went through right before your eyes meant a whole lot.

"I want to go next year. I have a plan for how I can graduate early, and there's some schools I want to visit, and just...I have a plan, I just wasn't sure how to ask you, before now."

Killua nodded, and bit back the "No!"

No, it doesn't make sense to rush into it.

No, it will take so much planning, and I have only just figure out exactly how to manage security at your current school.

No, you have doctors and support here, and you have been taking hormones, and your transition is going as smoothly as I can possibly help manage it to go, and if you move away to school, you'll have to start doing that all by yourself.

No, because then I won't be "Alluka's big brother, Killua."

I'll just be Killua Zoldyck. Alone, again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By November, the plan is settled. Killua bites back his fear, at least most of it, and starts planning. The tickets are booked, and Killua is impressed by how far Alluka has come in taking care of this all herself. He's mostly had to sign some things, or casually drop a mention to his Hunter's License, and doors open for her.

It's late, and he's staring at his phone. Gon stopped sending him emails back in September, which makes sense, because Killua hadn't responded to any of them.

Something about the quiet, cool night reminds Killua of his month on Whale Island with his friend years ago. That feeling that there was something out there waiting for him. He had been conquering his nerves for weeks now, helping Alluka, so he did it again.

He tapped out an email, and his fingered hovered over the send button.

Silence, and precision. The night was cold, and quiet. Killua's phone was set to silent, always, even at home. The sound of his typing produced no sound.

He heard his own breathing, though, and his heart beat blood into his ears. It echoed in his brain like ocean water against the walls of a cliff side cave.

Killua missed Gon every single day. They were still friends. They would always be friends.

He hit send.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Subject Line: Hey dude**

_Body: sorry it took so long for me to send you an email. Alluka and I have been looking at schools. Alluka wants to study art! I've attached a few of her recent works for you to look at it. She's amazing. I think we've found some good options for her._

_I don't know when we'll be done. I hope you had a good trip with Kite. We enjoyed the pictures, a lot. That cave looked nuts! It looked so blue inside. Your photos of it were awesome._

_I'll let you know the next time we're settled down for a while. Probably won't be until next year though._

_Oh, I have a new phone number. I'll text it to you. We should talk soon, if you want. I'd like to hear your voice._

_I miss you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is even happening in this story? It's not stopping, is what. Stay tuned for more of whatever this is, and if you like it/hate it/really hate it/wish it would stop, just let me know! I accept payments in the forms of comments and chats on tumblr. 
> 
> Murderxbaby.tumblr.com. 
> 
> <3


	6. Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: transphobia, homophobia, mentions of violence, uncomfortable party shenanigans.

**January**  
_Burdock Importunity_  
_ Touch me not _

Leorio's face fell immediately when Gon exclaimed about how this suite was almost as big as the suite he used to stay in when Gon and Killua used to compete in the 200s while staying at Heaven's Arena.

"Almost as big?!" Leorio shouted, before forcing his smile back on his face. He smacked Gon on the back, probably too hard, and Gon frowned.

"Sorry, Leorio! It's still really nice in here," Gon said, apologetically, as he set his bag down and took off his shoes.

No one else Leorio had invited would arrive to the suite until the weekend, but Gon had been eager and restless. He stood on Leorio's door step the previous day, bag in hand and a shy smile on his face.  
Leorio looked overwhelmed, and thrilled, by Gon's visit. He also looked narrow, and pale.

"This has been a really good year, Gon!" Leorio said, offering him the hideaway bed in his ancient, spotty couch. "The residency has been amazing. I've learned so much."

Gon tried to keep up as Leorio began to share details and experiences from his past year working at a busy city emergency department. Most of the stories were funny, or exciting. Gon was especially impressed by the time Leorio intervened when a man with a gun came to the hospital looking for his ex-girlfriend.

"I made sure all the nurses were behind the triage desk, and was able to knock the gun out of his hand with my Nen! Got employee of the month for that one," Leorio said, rubbing his nose and grinning. Leorio's smile was wide, and Gon's smile matched it.

"Just employee of the month? Sounds like they should have given you a lot more for saving the day!" Gon replied. Leorio blushed, and shook his head.

"No, I didn't save the day. Just had to do what I could. Plus, I did get to use the Employee of the Month parking spot until the nurse in the Orange unit brought those brownies everyone fought over."

Leorio looked exhausted, but Gon wasn't sure he'd ever heard his friend sound so happy. He told him so.

Leorio stood up, suddenly, and shuffled over to the mini bar. He pulled out a beer, and tossed one to Gon.

"So, what's up with you, kiddo? Keeping busy?"

Gon looked at the beer skeptically. It was chilly, and already covered with sweat from the heat of the room.

"I guess so," Gon replied, wishing he didn't sound so half-hearted. He snapped the top of the can open.

Leorio had already tilted the can back, taking long swigs. He sighed with satisfaction. His smile faded as he looked over at Gon.

"Hmmmm, well, youth is wasted on the young," Leorio said. Gon laughed. Leorio did seem a lot older now, being a doctor and all, and he'd always looked old for his age.

But, they weren't that far apart in age. Isn't that why they could drink together?

Gon put the can to his lips. He took a small sip. It was bitter, but Gon didn't mind bitter things.

Alcohol smelled stale, and familiar. The smell hadn't made Gon's stomach churn in years, so he took another sip.

Gon pictured then, out of nowhere, Killua's grimacing face. Killua didn't drink, he was pretty sure. Probably wouldn't do much good considering his friend could (and had) swallow caps full of bleach, pipe cleaning liquid, and peroxide, just to prove some point once. Gon remembers Killua surviving, easily, but also looking and feeling so unwell that he couldn't even convince his friend to eat a box of special, limited edition cookies-n-cream Chocorobots.

Gon swallowed a third sip, and when he put the can down, Leorio had taken the seat next to him on the couch. Leorio's narrowed his eyes and then raised one eyebrow.

"Something's up with you, Mr. Freecs, I can smell it," Leorio said, before sniffing loudly. Gon set the can down.

"That beer wasn't your first today, huh, Leorio?" Gon asked, lightly. Leorio harrumphed like a much, much older man.

"None of your business, kid. I paid for this room, I do what I want in here."

In the next moment, two sharp raps on the door interrupted Leorio's train of thought. Friends from the hospital, and some former classmates, all soon filtered into and out of the hotel room. Gon didn't know any of them, but listening to Leorio reminisce with his friends turned out to be plenty interesting.

He started with one can, to be polite, but pretty soon Gon had enjoyed more than his fair share of beer, some wine out of a box, and his first ever shot.

Leorio started to explain the proper technique, but Gon had watched plenty of people do shots, so he threw back the burning liquid without hesitation, earning some admiring whoops and claps from the assembled.

"So, you're actually a Hunter, really? Just like Dr. Paladknight?" asked a young woman, with hair curled softly at her chin, and a voice that got gradually louder as she drank each glass of wine.

Gon had noticed her watching Leorio with careful eyes, whenever he stood to fetch more drinks, or use the bathroom. Soon, though, she finished off her glass in a huff, and Gon felt a tightness in his chest watching her. He scooted next to her, and started asking her about her job. Her name was Josephine, and she worked in the ER with Leorio. She wouldn't meet Gon's eyes, at first, but soon his eyes were wide as she told him about some of the remarkably awful things she'd seen, and also all of the good work she'd done, too.

"Um, actually, I really hurt my hand too, once," Gon started, not realizing until he was half way through the story that most people didn't really know how to react to. The story of the time his hand was blown off by a serial killer he was fighting in a video game that was actually real life while searching for the same father that had also designed the game, and staffed it with prisoners and geniuses.

Mostly, Gon thought he wanted to stay quiet, and warm, and cheer this lady up, but as his voice continued telling the story, the room spun away from his gaze, and his words ran away with him.

"That's fucking crazy, Gon!" said the nurse, admiringly. She scooted closer. Gon realized their knees were touching.

"You sound just as crazy and brave as Leorio always said you were," she said. Her voice and language had loosened up. She was clearly a good, nice, and normal person. Gon watched her eyes soften when she looked back at him. She smelled sickly sweet of the wine she'd been drinking all evening.

As the crowd began to thin, she still sat next to him. When just the two of them sat in the room, she leaned over, until their shoulders touched.

Gon felt so cold, suddenly, and his stomach hurt. She looked over at him, and told him that she thought he was really cool, and cute, and just, could she kiss him?

This wasn't the first time Gon had been in this situation. It always made him feel a little weird, and a little warm. He remembered women on Whale Island doing this to him a few years ago, and how it felt then. Odd, and a little surprising, and then it was over.

He liked when they smiled at him, before it happened, and never enjoyed the looks they gave him afterwards.

"Oh, no, Josephine, I can't do that, I'm sorry," Gon said, quietly.

The young woman pulled her knees away, quickly, and stood up so fast she swayed splashes wine right out of her glass.

"No, I'm sorry! Ugh, so stupid..." Josephine rasped with a sloppy and wet voice.

When her feet moved slower than she had expected them to, Josephine tripped. Gon stood to effortlessly swept his arms around her waist, and set her upright.

"Gon!" Leorio shouted, from the door way, a teasing trill curling his tongue.

Josephine's face whipped towards Gon, and then back towards Leorio. Her eyes sparkled with tears, and she shoved herself out of his hands. She set the empty glass down too carefully, and stumbled out past Leorio, whose eyes grew wider, and wider. He stepped out of the doorway without a word.

Gon pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket, and knelt next to the bright pink splotch on the carpet. Leorio gently closed the door. Gon heard him mumble something under his voice.

"Sorry, Leorio," Gon muttered with a fat tongue.

Leorio stepped next to Gon. He slumped to the floor next to Gon.

"What's up, Gon?" Leorio asked. He reached for Gon's hand, and pulled the damp cloth out of his hand.

Gon sat back. He leaned against the couch as nausea and free-floating reality bobbled in waves ahead of him.

"She tried to kiss me," Gon said. He pressed his palm against his cheek to hold the heat still.

"Guess it didn't go so great, since she left in tears," Leorio said, still teasing, but softer and gentler than a moment ago.

"I didn't...I said no," Gon said, flustered with his voice disobeying him, and realizing that his explanation sat unspoken in his belly with fluttering, curling wings.

"Sorry that you were in such an awkward situation, kid," Leorio said. He patted Gon's shoulder, and reached over to pull him up to his feet with him.

"I wish I hadn't made her cry! I think she was just..." Gon blushed, as he realized, and looked over at Leorio.

"Um, I think she actually has a crush on you."

Leorio blinked. "What?!"

Gon laughed, a little, even though it made his head and stomach hurt. Alone together in the suite, surrounded by the leavings of drunk, mostly happy people, Gon rediscovered a jumping, dark shape inside his chest.

Leorio grunted as he took a seat on the chair, opposite from the couch where Gon collapsed.

"So, she turned to the dashing, handsome young Hunter with a heart of gold to try and overcome her unrequited feelings for the older man out of her reach?" Leorio said, with a drunken sing-song.

"It's always embarrassing when people do that," Gon replied. Leorio snorted.

"It's embarrassing when you have to fight the cuties off with a stick, Gon? Cry me a river," Leorio said, with a soft grumble.

Gon's face fell further. He shook his head. "I always end up feeling awful, because they're always disappointed in me."

Leorio leaned forward. He grunted, and looked at Gon seriously.

"Disappointed?"

Gon looked over at Leorio. He hummed softly, regretting his words.

"Um, just, kissing is okay, I've liked doing that before. Lots of ladies have done it, and I don't really mind. But, then, it seems like..." Gon trailed off. No one knew about this.

He'd never told anyone. But, all night, words slipped out quickly, with nothing but regret left behind.

"There's always something else they want, and I don't....I can't give it to them, and I..." Gon said with faulty language.

"I'm sorry you were put in this awkward position tonight, Gon," Leorio said, sighing. Gon shook his head, and Leorio shook his right back.

"It's not okay for you to feel pressured to do something you don't wanna do, kid."

Gon leaned his head against the arm of the couch. He'd honestly never done anything he didn't want to do when it came to this stuff. He was sad his new friend was disappointed and embarrassed, but he stopped her before anything happened. In the past, he'd always stopped it. It always made his stomach hurt, and his lips curl down, but he still did it. Sometimes, the person would get angry, or she would cry, or she'd storm off.

At first, he didn't even understand what they wanted. He only knew how he felt, and what he didn't want, and what he didn't want was their hands moving, or those deep breaths, or those sighs of disappointment.

People approached Gon wanting something. Gon liked people. He liked when people were happy.

What would make those people happy never seemed to be what he wanted.

As Gon thought about what he wanted, the floor rolled under him like an unsteady rowboat.

He wanted black eyelashes against pale skin, moving under faint gray eyebrows. They responded to Gon's questions, Gon's touch, and Gon's breath.

He wanted long, long fingers. They stretched tight like rope, curling around his own. Whip strong, precise instruments that had begun to memorize the lines of poetry in Gon's skin.

He wanted to hear "Yes!" He wanted to see that neck bare and vulnerable. He wanted to keep it tender, and he wanted to keep it safe.

He wanted laughter. Short laughs of startled amusement. Deep and throaty chuckles. Belly laughs that threw back a head, and left tears streaming down two soft cheeks.

He wanted sighs. They were always a surprise, and always filled Gon's stomach with shuddering joy.

"Gon?" Leorio asked, as Gon's mind wandered. He repeated himself, a bit louder. "Earth to Gon. You disappeared again, buddy."

Gon blinked at Leorio's choice of words. "Disappeared?" Gon asked

"You've been off in La-la land all night, kiddo. And, I'm guessing now it wasn't just the unwanted attention?" Leorio asked.

Gon tried to laugh it off, but the growing fuzziness from the night of drinking actually made him croak instead.

"I'm okay, Leorio," Gon said.

Leorio's eyes narrowed. "Of course you're okay, kid. You've had the same dopey smile on your face the whole time you've been here, except just now, when a pretty girl tried to kiss you at a party."

Gon pressed his fingers to his lips, as if he could take a measurement for how much smiling he really had done that day. Leorio laughed loudly.

"Didn't you notice? Gon, you've been smiling this little, secret smile like you got the best news."

Gon moved his hands from his lips to his cheeks. His face grew hotter, first from the drunkenness, and now from the embarrassment.

"So, what is it? Something changed since the last time I saw you, that's for sure," Leorio said, as he pointed and winked.

Gon hadn't see Leorio in more than 6 months. Gon realized that was before summer.

Tenuous in his hands, like a fishing rod with a line spooling out into the ocean, Gon knew the truth would escape his grip one way, or the other. He looked over at Leorio as he still held his own face.

"I visited Killua this summer," Gon said. He stopped talking as Leorio's eyebrows lifted, for just a moment, before Leorio nodded.

Leorio's eyes welcomed Gon's explanation. Putting it into words for the first time made Gon's rocking stomach capsize. He gulped, and smiled, and looked away from his friend's gentle expression.

"Killua," Gon said. He curled his left index finger around his bent right, and pulled. "He told me he liked me."

Gon heard nothing. The absence of a response made his own heartbeat echo in his ears. He looked back at his friend.

Leorio wasn't smiling, or frowning. His eyes changed somehow. He nodded when Gon looked at him.

"Oh, yeah?" Leorio said, as Gon continued to stare. Gon knew what had happened next, but he didn't know how to explain it.

Actually, he knew how to explain. He realized he just wasn't sure he wanted to. The explanation peeled the inner lining of his stomach off in thick, dripping strips. Telling Leorio more about Killua's truth, Gon's discovery, and their shared summer, scared Gon.

Gon gulped. Fear meant a breakthrough was within reach.

It wasn't the whole truth, but it was a place to start.

"I told him I loved him," Gon said.

Leorio snorted. He closed his eyes, shook his head, and leaned back. He laughed. Gon held his breath. 

Leorio opened one eye, and smiled.

"Good for you, man," Leorio said. Admiration colored his voice. A distant longing filled the pauses for breath.

Gon exhaled. He found himself smiling like his teeth were slicked with oil. Widely and easily. The stretch of his cheeks, and the warmth, meant he really had been smiling all night. Smiles for the sake of returning a new acquaintance's kindness, or smiling from laughter.

Alone, he'd been smiling at secrets.

This honest smile grew larger because Gon heard Leorio's congratulations.

"Yeah?" Gon said. He hadn't received exactly this reaction before. He worried Leorio would say something else. He didn't know exactly what. He recognized this fear, though he couldn't put words to it.

"You two kids," Leorio said. His eyes sparkled behind his glasses. "I really am getting old."

"Only an old man would say something like that," Gon observed. Leorio laughed harder.

"No, really, good for you two. That's awesome, Gon," Leorio said. "The feelings don't do you any good if you keep them trapped inside. Trust me."

Gon found Leorio easy to read. His sincerity and kindness meant he didn't hide his feelings well, no matter how hard he tried. Leorio's truth was raw, and rarely spoken aloud.

"I trust you, Leorio," Gon said, sincerely.

Leorio reached to the table for a can. He shook it, and then took a swig. He narrowed his eyes.

"Hmmm, but, kid, I have a question," Leorio said, looking at Gon sideways as he spoke. Gon tipped his head forward.

"What the fuck are you doing here? It's New Year's! Go spend it with your boyfriend!" Leorio said, grinning and throwing his hands up, splashing stale beer all over.

Gon jumped like he'd been startled. "What?!" Gon said. He threw up both hands, and Leorio leaned forward, until their faces were less than an arm's length apart.

"Gon, kiddo, Killua said he likes you, and you said you love him. What did you think happened next?"

"I mean, I just, he's not. We're not. We didn't..." Gon stumbled through his sentence. Leorio's face grew grave.

"Did something happen? Did that little brat..." Leorio started.

"No!" Gon shouted, interrupting Leorio. "Killua didn't do anything! It was...I mean..."

The sudden flare of anger lifted Gon to his knees. Leorio sat back, rubbing the back of his free hand over his mouth. They considered each other. Gon's anger and Leorio's sudden sheepishness were unfamiliar to them both.

No man's land stretched between them, rife with miscommunication. Both of them realized a stray word could lead to an explosion.

"Come 'ere," Leorio finally said, setting the can down. He patted the couch cushion next to him. Gon stood up, and took a seat. He curled his feet in, and under him, and started to speak.

"I'm sorry, Leorio, I..."

Leorio interrupted him with a clap to Gon's back. Jovial and firm.

"How old are you again, kiddo?"

"I'm 17. I'll be 18 in May."

Leorio nodded.

"Hasn't been that long, then, since you moved back to Whale Island?"

Gon shook his head, automatically. It felt like no time at all. Being on Whale Island flew by in a haze of school work, broken up occasionally by visits to his friends the world over.

The first time he'd visited Killua stood out in sharp contrast. The second, and third, and most recent visit, now, sat clearly drawn in Gon's mind. Too clearly drawn.

"So, that means it hasn't been that long since you two were traveling together, risking life and limb all the time, either, huh?" Leorio said. He turned his head off, toward the other side of the room, away from Gon. 

Gon shook his, and Leorio still saw it.

"You two still have a lot to talk about, huh?" Leorio asked.

Gon touched his knuckles to his lip. He ran his lips over the skin.

"What do you mean?"

Leorio shifted so he could lounge against the arm of the couch. He considered Gon's question.

"Do you know what Killua did for you back then, Gon?"

Something flared in Gon, but what it was exactly eluded him. It simply lived, hot in his belly, and he clenched his fist.

Killua healed Gon. He'd asked Alluka to help. Gon knew that. Killua told him so himself.

Gon knew it wasn't the truth. It was a sliver of the truth. The light creeping in under the door.

Gon knocked and knocked on the door, but Killua held it closed.

"I don't know," Gon finally said.

With a sudden sweep, Leorio pulled Gon in with one arm, and ruffled Gon's hair with his other hand.

"Ask him, next time. And then ask him to be your boyfriend! You two shouldn't be walking on eggshells around each other, okay? It's just not right."

Gon laughed at Leorio's enthusiasm. He laughed, too, because questions he was afraid to find answers to were set aside for the moment, and it was a relief.

He hugged Leorio, and Leorio gave a pleased grunt, and hugged him back. When they separated, Leorio's eyes suddenly widened.

"Wait, Gon, do you...are you two...oh fuck," Leorio said, pushing his short bangs up and away from his face with his hands. "Do you two know how to...ya know...safely?"

"How to what?" Gon replied, tilting his head.

Leorio's eyes and Gon's eyes met as Leorio began slowly forming the word "sex" with his mouth. Gon coughed, and stood. Leorio shrieked. Gon waved his hands, as he bent over when his coughing turned into painful, chest rattling hiccups.

"Gon, are you okay?" Leorio asked, standing up, and moving to rub Gon's back.

"I'm fine, Leorio, I'm okay," Gon said, straightening as his coughing subsided. Leorio let out a long breath.

"I have definitely had too much to drink tonight," Leorio said. "Looks like you probably have too, huh, kid?"  
Gon blinked one eye close, then the other.

"I dunno, never had any before," Gon said.

Leorio groaned, and pulled Gon into the kitchen. He gave him a big glass of water, insisting he swallow every drop. Gon did so, easily, and reached for another, because it was one of the most delicious glasses of water he'd ever drank.

"I'm happy for you, Gon," Leorio said, over his shoulder, as he fixed coffee with a small, well-used machine. "No matter what you two kids decide to do."

Gon set his empty glass down. He rubbed the back of his arm over his mouth, and found himself frowning.

"Decide to do?" Gon muttered, but not quietly enough that Leorio didn't turn to look.

"People just keep making you uncomfortable tonight, Gon, including me," Leorio said, husky and apologetic. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Leorio," Gon said. He made a fist, and uncurled it slowly. "I just hadn't really even thought about it..."

Leorio rolled his sleeves up. He spun in place, and leaned back against the counter.

"You two need to talk, Gon," Leorio said. He crossed his arms. "Take it from me. You can't...you have to talk. You can't just wait for everything to work out."

Gon accepted the first mug of hot coffee. He sipped the first scalding gulp of coffee, and considered how he'd never had an entire mug all to himself, before. It tasted bitter, but Gon didn't mind bitter things.

 

 

 

 

 **February**  
_Dog Rose_  
_Pain and Pleasure_

Late night shrank all of the world into the softly edged blue and black shapes of Gon's bedroom. Curtains stirred in the chilly February air. Even though it was never truly cold on Whale Island, the temperature dipped as low as it could in February. Didn't stop Gon from opening his window, every night. The sound of the ocean; the songs of the birds, and the bugs; and the fresh air helped him sleep soundly.

Gon looked over at the bright, segmented red letters of his alarm clock. 1 am.

Even with the brightness turned down to its lowest setting, the laptop bathed Gon in its inverted sunlight.

He blinked and blinked, knowing his body wanted to sleep, but compelled to chase his racing mind down rabbit holes of distraction.

Leorio had given him a brochure the last day of Gon's visit. It looked crumbled and faded, like it had sat at the bottom of Leorio's bag for a long time.

"I grabbed this my first day back after New Years," Leorio explained, as Gon flipped it back forth to look at it. "But chickened out on giving it to you until now."

A woman wrapped her arm around a teenage girl's shoulders. The looked at each other with two unnervingly cheery smiles.

_"Talking to Your Child About Safer Sex"_

"Um, Leorio, Mito already had the talk with me when I was..." Gon started. Leorio grabbed the brochure back, and flipped it over.

"No, I'm not telling you to look at the brochure. Here's a website that's really good. It's not this basic stuff,"  
Leorio said, pointing with his thumb as he handed the brochure back.

Gon read the URL. He suddenly didn't want to look Leorio in the eye. Judging by Leorio's posture and body language, the feeling was mutual.

If there was anyone else in the room, Gon wouldn't be able to meet their eyes, either.

Uncomfortable as it was, Gon continued balancing the laptop on his bent knees. He weaved his long toes together, twisting his feet into an uncomfortable angle. He barely noticed the physical awkwardness as his heart expanded inside of his chest. He imagined the dry and parched taste of his mouth surrounded by high red peaks of sandstone in the central desert of Greed Island.

No progress had been made all night, though. No forward steps towards his goals, or effort expended in the pursuit of growth.

Instead, Gon flitted like a bumblebee on the breeze between his email inbox, where the unwritten, unsent email to Killua sat open with its cursor blinking, and the website Leorio recommended.

Maybe what made this feel impossible was trying to do both tonight. He'd finally worked up the courage to pull up the website, covered in friendly and soft colors, when he saw the notification flag on his inbox turn red.

Killua hadn't sent Gon anything since before New Year's, so Gon couldn't wait to climb up to his room after dinner to reply.

Pictures of their trip, and descriptions of some of Alluka's ideas about her schools, filled the long email. Gon bounced a little on his too-small bed while he read. He reached the end of Killua's message. The last few sentences stood out from all the others.

"I keep debating what our first date should be. I'll have to work hard to impress Mr. Firefly Bouquet, probably. Mostly, I just want to spend time alone with you."

When Gon finished reading Killua's email, he had to set the laptop down. His jaw was sore. He'd been clenching it the entire time. He opened his mouth, and exhaled, and then realized his heart was beating. He was hot, all over, even though the cool night air made the curtains flutter.

Gon loved spending time with Killua. He'd missed it ever since summer ended. He thought about it, sometimes traveling through the memories in his mind's eye, or simply summoning the feelings into his body so he could finally smile.

Now, thinking about their summer together made Gon's body tense up. Feelings and sensations he'd glanced at when they were together had now taken up space deep inside his gut. They flared up uncomfortably, now, as he pictured Killua. Pictured him near, under his hands, warm and smooth and strong.

Kissing Killua had been exciting, and fun. It had been something new that they could share. It meant Gon didn't just have to tell Killua how he felt. It meant he could show him.

When Josephine wanted to kiss Gon, she wasn't trying to show Gon something. He was pretty sure. He was pretty sure she wanted something. Needed something that Gon didn't have. Couldn't give her.

Gon didn't just want to show Killua how much he cared about him. Well, he wanted to do that. But, he wanted more. Something he could only barely imagine.

He blinked, and opened and closed his tense jaw. Killua wanted something from Gon. Gon knew he wanted something from Killua. Something he'd never wanted, before.

Gon wasn't a child. He knew that people who loved each other were supposed to want to have sex. He knew what sex was, too, because Mito had insisted that Gon "not make the same mistake that so many other young men do."

Nothing about what Mito described ever held any interest for Gon whatsoever.

Later he realized she was talking about Ging. When he realized that, it got even more confusing.

Gon learned, then, as he traveled around the world, that everyone could fall in love. Men and women, and men loved men, and women loved women. Some people weren't men or women, and they were loved, and could be loved in return. Some people loved no one. Some people loved everyone.

Gon loved Killua. It felt different than how he felt about Mito. It didn't resemble how he felt about Ging at all. He had so many friends, and he loved his friends, too, and he loved Killua.

And he wanted Killua. Wanted to see him, all the time. Wanted to touch him, every day. Wanted to see him smile, sigh, sleep, and speak.

He wanted to learn what else he wanted. Gon did not lack for imagination, but even so, he knew this was a new world. He was only taking his very first steps.

It was scary. And exciting. But, mostly, it meant he clicked on his laptop, in increasingly distracted, uncomfortable positions, finding articles about sex, about consent, and about safety. He read until his blush traveled to his neck and ears, and his facial muscles tensed as he realized he wasn't blinking, or he was holding his breath.

Some of what Gon learned surprised him. (Adult toys? He was pretty sure he was hallucinating, at first, but then he saw what they were supposed to be for, and he closed the tab in an embarrassed huff.)

Some of it described with big, unfamiliar words images from Gon's day dreams. Flushed, confusing, distracting scenes combining memories with sensation. All of it spelled out in friendly, clinical language.  
Gon couldn't close his eyes for long, or he would be overwhelmed by his imagination.

They were two people, and they were far apart, but even when they were together they were still two people.

Gon clicked over to reread Killua's email. The words were fishing hooks yanking at his heart with a weaving, entrancing dance. The words were bait, they were temptation. They pulled and pulled at the parts inside of Gon that sat disconnected, untethered, free and flying desperately for a place to land.

Gon's body had become a restless home. Once, when he was young, and when Killua was still his partner, Gon discovered the outer limits of his potential. His strength sprouted up like weeds in a sunny field. Nothing was out of reach.

Until Kite died, that is. Gon had failed, truly and profoundly, to be anything but weak. So, now that his world had ended, anyway, Gon had traded his future growth for immediate, lethal satisfaction.

Now the future was here.

Focusing on school had kept him busy. Traveling to see his friends, or help with missions here or there, kept him fit.

Visiting Killua gave him something to look forward to.

Now, this.

The growling, growing heat and pressure had a name. Gon shifted, his body not simply a home he could no longer stand to live in, but a house fire. Cracking and breaking apart under impossible heat. He didn't want to leave, he had to, before his heart and soul dissolved into shuddering piles of black ash.

Killua had saved Gon, even though Gon had never deserved it. Killua liked Gon. Killua wanted to see Gon again.

Gon wanted to see Killua again. He wanted to kiss him, and hold him. He wanted to be so close. So much closer.

The sea crashed against the shore, and flowed back, but it was that moment. When the surf and the waves and the sand flowed together. When the water paused, before returning to its home. That brief moment.

Gon wanted their everything to come together. He wanted to be still, and no longer alone. He wanted to exist outside of himself.

He didn't understand, but things were still maybe starting to make sense.

Gon's body was no longer his home.

 

 

 

 

It was 3 AM when he finally saw the headline. Gon laid on his belly, finally losing the war against sleep, when he saw something pop up along the news feed on the bottom of the website.

"Local man charged with murder of 2 after brother comes out"

Somewhere, in a country Gon had flown over, once, but never visited, the man had murdered his brother and his brother's beloved. The couple had tried to keep their relationship a secret from their family for close to a year.

When the brother found out, he told them they had destroyed the family's good name. All honor tossed aside for "sinful, unnatural craven longings," was the line from the letter the man had sent them, Gon had to read, a few times, to process.

The only reason it was news was because it happened in a public place, during a high holiday. The man had sent the brother a letter, after the fight, but was restless with his indignation and betrayal. He found the two in a busy city center, early in the morning, and shot them both. He was about to do the same to himself, but a police officer tackled him first.

He survived, and refused to admit any guilt or remorse.

Gon closed the laptop after reading the article many times.

Guns weren't terrifying, to Gon. He would be fine.

Killua would just laugh if someone tried.

The feeling didn't exactly make sense, to Gon. It wasn't fear for his life, which was mapped into his nerves and muscles like reflex.

Gon wasn't afraid for Killua's life, either, a sharp and powerfully distracting feeling he recognized from a distance. He's never stepped close enough to it long enough to know it well.

Sweet Alluka faced danger, of course, but no one could take better care of her than Killua. Gon was certain of that.

Tap, tap, tap. Gon's index finger found his bottom lip. He touched it, gently. He rubbed it, a little more firmly.

That man murdered his own brother for doing exactly what Gon had done.

For falling in love.

He'd already grabbed his phone, and typed in Killua's name in his contacts.

First of all, Killua would probably be awake. It was the dead of night for Gon, but early afternoon where Killua was.

He needed to make sure Killua was okay, all of a sudden.

The phone only rang once. Killua answered with a high voice.

"Gon?! Are you okay?"

"Killua! Are you okay?"

Killua paused, and then Gon heard a short, scoffing laugh.

"Of course I'm okay, Gon. You're the one calling me at, what, 3 am?" Killua asked.

"I'm okay, too. Am I bothering you?" Gon asked.

"No, it's okay. What's up?"

Gon sat on his bed. He twined his toes together.

"I read about something really awful happening," Gon said.

"Is Mito okay? Is everything..." Killua asked. Gon made a small click with his teeth and throat to confirm they were. Killua stopped, and waited.

Gon swallowed like he could force the feelings back down into his stomach acid, and dissolve them. His voice sounded hoarse from the effort.

"This man killed his brother because his brother loved another man. He kicked them out of his house, and then shot them. Just because..."

"Gon?" Killua asked, as Gon stopped talking.

Red and green and black-yellow swirls clouded Gon's vision. He could hear Killua's voice through the tinny phone's speaker, but only barely.

Killua repeated Gon's name. The wavering question in the name hung between them.

"Just because they were in love. His own brother," Gon finally said. His mouth filled with ice and shards of black obsidian. He made a fist with his free hand. No matter how hard he jammed it into the meat of his thigh, he couldn't shake this.

"Gon, there's nothing...none of this is your fault," Killua said. "These sort of things happen all the time. It's awful, but..."

"I'm an idiot, huh, Killua? For wanting to be with you," Gon interrupted. Anger filled his blood, but his bones sank with the weight of his growing sadness. "It's so unsafe, anyway, to travel with Alluka, and I can't use my Nen, and, I just, I didn't know."

"Gon, stop it, you're not an idiot," Killua said. Gon heard him, and went quiet, but the anger and sadness only grew and grew.

"Is this wrong?" Gon finally asked. "Am I doing something wrong to you, Killua?"

Killua could be so very, very quiet. The quiet on the other end made Gon worry the call disconnected. He lifted the phone in front of his face, and saw the bright glow. 

"Am I?" Killua said, speaking unknowingly to the chill darkness of Gon's room. "I'm the one who told you I liked you first." 

The chill finally reached Gon's body. Sadness mixed with bone marrow, and the simmering anger in his blood froze into stillness.

He remembered watching Killua's mouth move to create those words. That sound. He didn't just remember it, it was a top-ten, all-time, most important memory. He would never, ever forget it. 

"No!" Gon shouted at the phone held in front of him. Killua softly laughed. 

"Gon, I can't hear you, gotta hold the phone near your mouth, dude."

Gon snickered, softly, at Killua's gentle chastisement. He spoke softly, though, and carefully.

"No, Killua, you didn't do anything wrong. You made me so happy. I'm happy now, just thinking about it." 

Gon tried to smile, even though it was hard to do. Killua hummed an enigmatic tune.

"You know there are people who...think Alluka isn't a girl," Killua said, quietly. Gon pressed the phone closer to his ear.

"What?" Gon replied, confused.

"Because she when she was born, they didn't know her, yet. They just saw her outside, and didn't understand who she really was."

Gon knew this, or at least, he'd tried his best to understand. He didn't exactly feel comfortable thinking very closely about Killua's little sister's anatomy, but when Killua called her his sister, and when he met her, he knew she was a girl. 

"But they don't think she's a girl?" Gon asked. He heard a door shut on Killua's end of the world. He heard Killua sigh.

"People think all sorts of stupid shit about Alluka, but yeah, basically, they don't think she is who she says she is," Killua said. Gon could tell how angry this made Killua, and it made him angry, too.

"Just like some people think there's something wrong with two guys..."

_Something wrong with us._

"Gon, you've seen what people are capable of," Killua continued. "They think and do all sorts of stupid shit." 

Gon had realized what a big, complicated topic this was, even though it was all mostly new to him. 

After Mito and Gon's talk at the end of summer, Mito hadn't said much at all about it. Sometimes, Gon suspected she wanted to say something, but wasn't sure what to say, or how to say it. 

Gon thought about all that he had ever been taught about love, growing up. To be honest, most of it meant almost nothing to him. Boys and girls were supposed to meet, and get married, and do that mysterious birds and bees nonsense, and then have kids. It sounded distant. It sounded boring. 

Being a hunter had become Gon's goal early on. Finding his dad. Discovering all he could about the bigger, wider world. 

Discoveries could still happen, even from the rumpled sheets of his own bed. 

"Killua?" 

"Hmm?"

"I don't think it's wrong. Do you?"

Gon waited, and was sure he could hear Killua thinking. He could picture Killua putting his thumbnail between his teeth, and nibbling, like he often did when the words wouldn't come fast enough according to his brilliant friend's high standards. 

"No, it's not wrong, Gon. It's just hard."

"It's hard?"

"It's not safe in a lot of places. Just like that news story demonstrates, right?"

Gon nodded, and agreed, "Yeah." 

"I can't keep both of you safe, you know?" Killua said, as a cold breeze flowed in through the window, forcing Gon to clench his fist. 

"Both of us?" Gon asked, his lips and tongue slow and unresponsive. 

"You and Alluka," Killua replied, easily. 

"Keep us safe?" Gon repeated, again. The shards of ice broke off between his teeth as he spoke. "Killua!" Gon said, bleeding and exhausted. 

"Gon?" Killua asked. "What's wrong?"

"Killua, is that why you wouldn't let me travel with you?" Gon asked, cutting each word off with a sharp break. "Because you think I'm weak?"

"What?" Killua said. "Gon, what in the fuck are you talking about?"

"You just said you would have to keep me safe, Killua," Gon said. He realized he just stood up off of the bed, but didn't stop. "That that's why..."

"Gon, you're being ridiculous! You're..." Killua said. Gon could picture him move, too, leagues and leagues across the world. He could picture Killua's shoulders hunch, and his back curve. 

"You think I'm weak, Killua!"

"Gon! For fuck's sake, you aren't weak!"

"Yeah?! Then why am I stuck here when all I want is to be with you?!" 

"Gon, it's 3 am, just go to..." 

"No! You think I'm weak, Killua! That's why..."

"Gon!" Killua's voice roared, and Gon stepped back, until his knees hit his bed. Gon gripped the phone so tightly he heard the plastic snapping under his fingers. "I'm too weak, okay?! You told me that you love me, and I can't have you around, now, because if something terrible happens it will be my fault, okay?! Because...!"

"Gon?" whispered Mito, a bit angry, and a bit more concerned, at the crack in Gon's open door. "Is everything okay?"

Gon turned, and pulled the phone down. 

"Oh, Aunt Mito, I'm sorry..."

Mito shook her head. "Gon, go to bed, okay? We can talk about it tomorrow." 

Gon nodded, and lifted the phone back to his ear.

"I'm sorry, Killua, I think I woke Mito up," Gon whispered. 

"I heard. Sorry, dude. Sorry. Let's just talk later, okay?"

Gon bit his lip, and nodded again. Killua repeated his okay, but Gon said nothing. 

"Have a good night, Gon," Killua finally said before ending the call.

Gon set the phone down, wiped his palms across both cheeks, and climbed into bed. He buried his face in his pillow, and gritted his teeth so hard his jaw was sore for the rest of the week. He woke up to a pillow soaked with tears, and sheets bunched up by his powerful hands so intensely they fell apart in the wash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, Proud Mary, she keeps on rollin' rollin'. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brdqJ29PQac)
> 
> This story is my obsession. It's not even close to done yet. Gonna keep working on it till it's over. Today, I clearly envisioned the ending. I just need to get there. 
> 
> Root for me!
> 
> Everyone's immensely kind comments are so deeply appreciated I can't even tell you. This setting and these kids mean a lot to me, so I am happy to try my best to give you a new story about them that does them justice. 
> 
> murderxbaby.tumblr.com


	7. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Canon typical violence ahoy.

Once upon a time, there were only nightmares.

Killua's dreams, the few that he slept soundly enough to experience, were always nightmares.

When he was very young, sleep held a mirror up to his day. The events flipped, and changed, but were still recognizable.

He couldn't remember those earliest dreams. He did remember waking up screaming.

Being quiet wasn't a choice, anymore. It was built in. Automatic. Like tying his shoes, or saying please and thank you. He didn't have to do those things, of course, as butlers helped him get dressed every day, and they'd give him anything he wanted, no matter how rude he was when he asked for it.

Waking up screaming was more startling than the dreams themselves. He felt frozen under the weight of his own voice, high-pitched and panicked.

Most of the time, a butler would then enter his room. They would place a cool hand on his head, or pull his shaking frame into their arms.

"Hush, little master, hush," they would whisper. "If your brother hears you..."

One night, no butler arrived at his side. The air was thick enough to suffocate, even at the top of the mountain, because it was the middle of a particularly hellish summer.

So when the curtains wafted, Killua stopped crying, and jumped out of bed. Someone had slipped in without making a sound.

"Killu, was that you I just heard?" came the unsettling question.

Illumi's long, black bangs obscured his eyes, and the shadows formed by the moonlight made it harder to discern the expression on his brother's face.

Killua's hands fell to his side. He grabbed the fabric of his pajama pants. He gripped them, quickly, until he felt the unacceptable tension. He let his hands go slack.

"It was nothing, Illu. Just a dream," Killua said as confidently as he could, even though his voice sounded wet and clotted with tears and snot.

Killua was quiet, and Illumi was silent. Killua could barely track the path his older brother took through the darkened bedroom to come to Killua's side.

Killua flinched.

As a slap, or a firm correction. That's how Killua knew Illumi's hands.

He only flinched because it was so late, he was certain.

But the hands were slow and soft. One cupped Killua's cheek, and the other rested gently on his shoulder.

"The dreams will stop, Killu," Illumi said. The tone was so unfamiliar to Killua that he looked up in shock.

Illumi looked over Killua's head, away into the darkest corner of the room.

"Eventually, it will become routine.The dreams will stop, then," Illumi said, as plainly as he would ask for toast with jam in the morning.

"In fact, Killu," Illumi said, turning his head down to finally look at Killua. Killua didn't want to look at him, he wanted to look down again at the buttons of Illumi's shirt, but Illumi's long fingers curled under his chin, and tilted his face towards Illumi's.

"It won't simply become routine, dear Killu. You will become the work. It will be satisfying and fulfilling. You will kill with such efficiency and skill that you will sleep soundly knowing what a job well done feels like. It will be a pleasure," Illumi promised.

Illumi had told the truth. Illumi didn't lie. Killua knew that. He wasn't lying about this.

Eventually, the dreams stopped. When killing became routine, they stopped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Illumi said it like it wasn’t just possible, or probable. He was certain.

"Someday, you will want to see if you can kill him. You'll get the urge to kill him one day."

Someday, Illumi promised Killua that Killua would want to kill Gon.

When the dreams return, Killua fears the worst.

In all of his previous dreams, either Killua dies, or he kills.

He used to dream about his hands ripping apart stomachs, as stink and horror filled his lungs. He used to imagine the frozen, pained, shocked stare from a victim half a league away as his throwing knife plunged into his neck.

He used to imagine drowning in the water he was tortured with when the buckets turned into swimming pools, thick with his own vomit and blood.

He eventually stopped dreaming. A lot of the time he didn't sleep, either.

When he traveled with Gon that started to change.

After hours and hours of Nen training, everyone slept well. Gon would snore so loudly Zushi used to worry something was terribly wrong. Killua would sleep so silently that Gon once poked him in the side, hard, and then apologized as he explained he was just worried something was wrong.

Sleep was sweet and senseless oblivion.

Killua didn't realize it was his first dream in years until he woke up the next morning on Gon's bedroom floor on Whale Island, no longer running endless loops in a hallway on Heaven’s Arena's 200th floor.

He couldn't find what he was looking for, no matter how far or how fast he ran.

Something was missing. Someone was missing.

The malicious weight of the murderous and ridiculous Hisoka's aura waited in foggy, purple clouds, but he could still run. He could breath deep, and call up his own aura, and stumble through.

He saw every combatant, even the most powerful he'd faced, and terrible irritation filled his arms and fingers. But he managed to keep running, pounding his feet into the floor without stopping.

When he heard his name in sing-song, rich and high and thrilled, he stopped running.

At the end of the forever hallway, Gon waved at him. Happy to see him. Totally unaware of where he came from. What he'd just run from.

"Killua!"

Killua smiled a flashing, dagger smile. Killua's twisted his fingers into claws. He woke up sweating.

"Killua?" asked Gon, sleepy, and watching him carefully. Killua sat up amidst blankets twisted into damp ropes.

"Are you okay?" Gon asked, sliding off his bed to perch on his knees in front of Killua.

"Huh? Of course," Killua answered in a disoriented mumble. "Just a dream."

"It sounded like a nightmare, Killua!" Gon said, urgently and under his breath. "You yelled."

Killua focused on unfolding the mess of blankets. He scoffed.

"I'm fine, Gon, it was nothing," Killua said.

The blanket tugged in Killua's hands. He watched as Gon helped him uncurl it. As a pair they folded it. The sun had already started to slip into the room, so neither would want to go back to sleep, anyway. Too much adventure ahead of them today.

"And then you said my name," Gon continued. Killua hadn't been watching Gon's face, but now he turned and looked at it. Gon looked down at his hands as they worried the now smoothly folded blankets.

"You sounded mad at me."

Killua gulped. He stood up. He offered Gon his hand.

"It was just a dream, dude, I'm not mad."

Gon took his hand. They stood up, and Gon squeezed Killua's hand back for a moment.

"I'm glad you're not mad at me, Killua. That would be awful."

Killua dropped Gon's hand, and put his own in his pockets.

"Naw, man, that's not gonna happen," Killua promises.

If he's learned one thing from his brother, it's how to sound certain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Killua doesn't stop dreaming about Gon.

Killua experiences dreams, not a nightmare, and floats in the wide sea of difference between the two like a seafarer venturing into undiscovered territory.

Dreams were fun.

Running until his lungs expanded like overfull helium balloons. Every limb burning up with his own energy, with a purpose they shared.

Gon running with him, just a few steps ahead. Killua watching where their footfalls would land, in case they broke through the ground like it was rotten ice.

It never did. Everything always worked out. They'd reach the finish line, together. Gon would smile at Killua, and slap him on the back.

"I knew I could count on you, Killua!"

Killua thought he knew how to have fun before he met Gon.

Getting praised by his father, mother and brother as a child made his stomach spin quickly in place, which was dizzying and treacherous. For a while, exceeding their expectations felt like fun.

During the long stretches Killua spent away from home, working or training, he thought that he'd discovered what freedom was. Freedom seemed like it was the same as fun.

But, Killua always returned home. When he slept in his own bed, it was never more comfortable than stiff hostel mattresses, a dirty floor, or the chilly forest floor. Comfort was a leash. There was a routine to training, missions, living.

Killing.

It all meant he hadn't actually been free.

When Killua ran away from home, it hadn't been planned. Not exactly. When he did leave, his mother and brother's blood stained his hands. He had a change of clothes in his backpack, so he tossed the shirt and shorts, and ran.

He thought freedom meant distraction. He thought having fun meant showing off. The Hunter Exam was supposed to offer plenty of opportunities for both.

And then Killua met Gon, and he learned that being free wasn't what mattered. Choosing something, himself, because he wanted to choose it. That was what really mattered.

Gon chose to chase his father no matter where it would take him. Gon gave Killua the choice to follow him until he found what he wanted to chase.

In all of his dreams, he chases Gon.

Killua thought that maybe nightmares were what happened when Gon wasn't there.

Until Killua begins to have nightmares, again, and they are all about Gon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **March**  
_Osmunda_  
_I Dream Of You_

None of the snippets of color or sound stayed with Gon for long after he woke up. The familiar shape of the light spilling into his bedroom pulled his focus to the day ahead, or the distant past, and he could never focus entirely on what was right there. Just there.

Right on the tip of his mind.

But he knew he was dreaming about Killua.

Ever since that last late night conversation with Killua, his hands went clammy, and his cheeks glowed fiery red whenever Gon thought about his distant friend.

He would wake up after nights of fitful, poorly remembered dreams coated in sweat, his body aching.

Gon thought about Killua every day, even though he really tried not to, because it was so distracting.

Effortlessly narrowing the scope of his vision to pinpoint one target had always been a strength Gon possessed. He'd followed that tunnel vision from his small home on Whale Island to places all over the world.

Gon eventually found his father, and found a lot more that may have been even more important.

Along the way, Gon met good friends, and got to travel with his very best friend. He got to learn Nen along side him on their journey. They stood side by side as years of training to unlock their potential was side stepped by one fierce, painful blast.

Gon felt the change immediately. Soon, Gon and Killua could see the change in each other. Glowing softly, and rising off their skin like white fog.

Nen took countless forms. What it meant to Gon was that he could finally stand toe to toe with anyone. Despite his age, his size, or his inexperience, Nen meant he was on equal footing.

He could survive a fight with Hisoka, the overwhelmingly powerful and dangerous magician.

He defeated Genthru, a man who was capable of effortlessly murdering hundreds all to win a game.

His potential grew, and grew, but it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough to save Kite.

It was finally enough to destroy Kite's murderer, in exchange for a future without Nen.

Without that glowing, flowing power.

Thanks to Killua, and a lot of other people, Gon survived.

Mostly thanks to Killua.

Sometimes, he worried he'd exchanged more than just his potential. Sometimes, he worried he'd exchanged away his entire future.

Gon had considered now and then, sometimes every day, sometimes not for months at a time, trying to reactivate his Nen. Ging had told him it would be possible, if he wanted to try.

So, he had tried.

During long, lazy afternoons. In between visits and school work. After hours spent wandering the forests he grew up in.

Nothing about it had been effortless. Sitting still, and breathing deep. Feeling the limits of his body, even as he grew taller and stronger. Gon should be able to do more, and yet he had never been capable of less.

So, he gave up.

For a long time, just thinking about it made his stomach hurt, and the back of his eyeballs burn.

Gon didn't need Nen to do what he had to do after he'd finally found Ging. He could use his Hunter license to access the parts of the world he needed to go to assist his friends with work when they asked him to. He didn't need his license at all when Mito insisted he focus on his schoolwork.

It was surprising, too, when Gon stopped to think about it, that he didn't even miss his Nen when he visited Killua. Not really.

Actually, maybe a little bit.

Killua couldn't help it. He was a show off. Once, Gon mentioned they were out of cooking oil, and by the time Gon had turned back to the table to serve dinner, Killua had sprinted back into the apartment, his hair lifting and popping with electricity.

Gon cheered, delighted, and Killua preened, blushing a little. But he realized, half way through the meal, that he hadn't really tasted any thing. He also didn't realize how quiet he'd gone until Killua spoke up, his voice half playful, half concerned.

"You okay, dude?"

Gon knew Killua tried to step carefully around the topic of Nen. Gon thought he'd done a good job of hiding how it felt to talk about it around Killua, but apparently not good enough.

When Gon realized he needed to get serious about getting his Nen back he didn't tell anyone.

Mito had tried to talk to Gon about his late night phone call with Killua. She asked who Gon had been fighting with, and Gon denied there was any fighting. And then she asked why Gon was fighting with Killua, her voice brittle and hot with love and concern.

Gon didn't want to talk about that night any more. He didn't call Killua back the next day, and ignored Killua's emails.

For the following week, Gon peered down the long, dark tunnel vision of focus. He took long, bounding steps into the forest. The days of jumping from tree to tree disappeared as he grew taller and stronger every year. He had to duck to avoid conking his head on low growing branches. He couldn't curl himself into the nooks of his favorite trees like he used to. He had to stretch out his long legs, and curl his fingers down to his toes, to scramble through some of the thicker underbrush of the forest.

The quiet places had always been Gon's favorite places. He showed them all to Killua when Killua visited years ago, after they'd both just learned about Nen for the first time. The tunnel of his focus brought Gon to the cliff high above the thick tributary river winding through the thin tail of the whale on the far side of the island. Where he had promised Killua that he would help him find what he was looking for.

Brimming with his new found power, and desperate to spend as much time with his new friend as he possibly could, Gon remembered seeing the world open up when he looked at Killua's face as Gon suggested what they should do next.

"We should stay together! We should see the world, together."

Gon took a seat on the slightly damp ground, wet with early morning fog. The sun would be weak in the middle of March, but would soon beat back the heavy gloom. He took in a long, thick breath.

He hadn't spoken to Killua for more than brief, perfunctory conversations since the early morning call. Gon tried not to think about Killua's anger, or irritation. Or, most upsetting, his fear.

Gon pictured himself smaller, and so much more sure. He pictured how it felt before he learned that he had the capacity to destroy the best things that had ever happened to him.

He focused on what he wanted, now. He didn't want to be left behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The hands are so large they cover Killua's entire face. For a brief moment, it reminds Killua of his father's hands. Skilled enough to complete any mission. Strong enough best any foe. Large enough to cover Killua's entire face and mouth and nose, letting him breath only with his father's permission.

These hands are that large. They might even be larger. They should be unrecognizable, but they're not. They're calloused, and the color of red earth. 

"Gon!"

Killua can hear himself scream. He hears himself, now, years later, in the safety of his own bed. He can hear the light in the hallway turn on with a distant flick. Alluka's sleepy voice calling for him. He grumbles, and shouts through the closed door that he's fine, it was just a dream.

The third one that week.

The fiftieth or hundredth or thousandth one since summer. They got bad, again, after summer.

The dreams are easiest to bear when they were never dreams. When they're nightmares, Killua wakes up quickly.

He wakes to blood and burning flesh filling his unconscious senses, or the relentless pounding and cracking and crushing of a giant fist into pulverized, blue flesh.

When Killua sees Gon's face, long and carved into unyielding shapes, as tears stream down his cheeks, Killua knows it's not a dream, but a nightmare. He wakes up, sometimes yelling, sometimes flailing every limb as if he could run through the vision, and transform it into something else, as if he could grip it between his fingers and transform it like his own aura.

The nightmares are more frequent, and they are joined by more frequent dreams.

Killua no longer chases Gon. Killua has Gon within arm's reach in his dreams, now.

Gon is so warm. His skin is warm. His eyes are warm. His voice is low and rich and warm. 

He didn't realize how cold he was until he held Gon in his arms. When he lets him go, (and he always, always lets him go) he shivers. 

Gon stays, even after Killua lets go. 

He always lets go. 

"Killua, I love you."

No matter how warm everything feels, Killua freezes. 

He always lets Gon go, and Gon always tells him he loves him. 

Unlike the nightmares, these dreams don't force Killua's eyes to jerk open. He doesn't sit up, and return to the mundane safety of his bedroom. He floats, alone. He hears Gon's voice. He hears his own voice.

"It has to be you, Killua."

"I promise, Gon."

He has to let go. He can't hold on. The last time he held on he let Gon chase and find his own obliteration. He heard Gon declare the impossible as fact.

"I know Kite is okay!" Gon said, confidently, about Gon's father's protege, and their friend, who had died protecting them when they were both so much weaker. Killua didn't know where Kite was, but he knew he was not okay. No one could possibly be okay in the face of that much malicious energy. 

Despite that, Killua clung to Gon. He promised to keep Gon safe. He helped him to pursue this faulty, failing, doomed campaign. 

Killua followed Gon into a war that neither of them should have survived. 

Gon almost didn't survive. Briefly, as he stood soaked in his best friend's blood, Killua wanted to follow Gon one last time. 

Instead, he picked up Gon's broken body, and carried him back. Instead, he had to return to his family's home, and decide what life he now deserved to lead. 

Killua's father told him, once, that he should strive to never betray his friends.

Killua told his father that ignoring his friend that he was able to help would be the same as betraying him. 

Freeing Alluka, and wishing for Gon's health, returned to Gon the life he was meant to have. 

Leaving Gon, and giving Alluka the life she deserved, was how Killua could give Gon back the life he deserved. 

Now, all Killua can hold on to, with a slippery and unreliable grip, are the memories. 

Killua doesn't think any of these things, exactly, as he wakes in the morning, still feeling warm skin under his hands. Remembering the sound and touch and taste of Gon under him. Gon's face looking over him, with a big, triumphant smile. Gon sitting next to him, or sleeping near him. Gon holding his hand.

Gon told him he loved him. Gon told Killua at night, deep in unreality of Killua's dreams, that he loved him. 

Gon loved Killua. 

Killua could see Gon, again. Gon asked him if he could. Killua promised him he would.

Laying in the dark, surrounded by the decisions he's made, floating in the memories of what their time together meant, Killua's heart beats as fast as it did that night. 

Would telling Gon the truth be the same as betraying him?

The truth was that Killua loved Gon. 

The truth was that Killua did not deserve Gon's love. 

The truth was that if it weren't for Killua Gon would be whole. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **April**  
_Yellow Balsam_  
_Impatient_

It used to flow effortlessly, like turning on a tap, and filling a sink. If he was patient, he would fill up completely in almost no time. 

Now, it was like trying to round up the dew in the morning with an overlarge bucket. Gon could try, delicately, to collect it on his finger tips, while holding his breath. He could carefully line up the edge of the bucket, and sweep it across the blades of grass heavy with wet. 

No matter how much time he spent, it felt like the bucket would never, ever fill. Barely an inch of murky water. Unsatisfying, and insubstantial. 

Gon's aura covered his body, now, in thin and flimsy layers. He remembered everything he'd learned, so it wasn't as difficult to complete the training tasks he'd practiced all those years ago. With his improved strength and patience, too, he felt like his technique had grown sharper, and more refined. 

However, he knew that he was still, in general, so much weaker than he had been almost 5 years ago. When he first learned Nen, he hadn't yet realized what weakness really meant. Now, he knew that he had never been weak, not really, he'd simply been incomplete. Rough, and unfinished. 

Now, as he grew into his legs and arms, and looked into the mirror at a face that continued to look more and more like the picture in the living room of his father as a young man, he knew what weakness really meant. 

Weakness meant knowing exactly what he wanted, exactly how he wanted his life to look, for the first time in nearly 5 years, and not being strong enough to reach for it. 

Eventually, though, the sensation of slick, shining power returned. He exhausts himself with the effort, and falls gratefully into bed. And when he does, slick and shining dreams fill Gon's nights. 

Gon's dreams are filled with light. Sunshine, everywhere. He's so happy and warm he can't help but stretch his arms up and over his head, and kick his legs out. 

This time, he's on some long stretch of sandy beach, almost too hot to bear. He knew that it was too hot but, after all, it's a dream. He buries his fingers in the sand, even though gripping the grains of sand like this should hurt. 

"Gon!"

Hearing his name over the crash of the waves, Gon turns towards the water. 

So tall that the water barely brushed his knees, Killua looks even taller than Gon remembers. His back faces Gon. One blue eye can be seen narrowed over the twist of neck and shoulder. 

The ocean is dark and alive, and the ocean is never still. Against the swirling white churn and dark water, Killua stands still and bright. 

Gon tries to wave back, but his hands are trapped by the sand. 

Killua spins, in place, the water splashing around his legs. Gon tried to blink the dazzle out of his eyes. Killua lowers himself into the water, and glides towards the beach. 

Gon has no trouble watching Killua's quick, graceful movements through the waves. It's a dream, after all. He can't pull his eyes away. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't. 

The surf slides up the sand, leaving it dark and cool. Gon's hands are buried, but he digs his toes into the wet sand. Time and space bend and sway around him as the dream continues. Birds cry in the distance, and the breeze is gentle. Gon barely notices any of it, as he waits and waits. 

The water carries Killua towards Gon. Gon watches, even though it makes his breathing a little painful, and makes his face burn hotter than a sunburn. 

Two long hands slide out of the ocean, and then two longer arms, pale like a bleached seashell against the sand and foam. They lift Killua up and out of the surf. Gon stares, because it's a dream, after all, at Killua's narrowed eyes, his smirk, his wet skin, and the words he's forming that Gon can't hear, right now.

The hands are wet, and Gon can smell the salt and the sea on them. They cup his face. Gon sits up taller, and Killua unfolds his long, long body, pulling Gon's face closer to his own. 

Breath warms Gon's lips, just short of a kiss. Killua waits for him, smirk transforming into something hungrier. Something betraying a loss of control. 

Gon frees his hands, and they're covered in grit and grains of sand. He reaches around, but hesitates, inches from Killua's sides, and the graceful and pale white sweep of his hips and ribs. 

Killua is naked, and Gon knows that he is unfit to touch any scrap of his friend's beautiful, bare skin. He and his hands are dirty. They're tainted. 

He pulls them back, and Killua hesitates, too. He pulls his own hands back. Gon's heart falls. 

Killua grabs Gon's hands, ignoring the filth. He guides Gon's palm until it lays flat over Killua's outstretched hand. 

"Look at me," Killua whispers. Gon does.

The aura Killua produces is almost as well known to Gon as his own aura. It's bracing and sharp, like a cold breath of air at the opening moments of dawn. It enlivens every inch of Gon's skin like it's Killua's fingernails stretching lines of sensation down his arms and legs. 

His hands somehow slough off the dirt and grime. He watches Killua's eyes concentrate on their joined hands. Water drips off Killua's long bangs, and over his cheeks and lips. Gon kisses him, suddenly, because he feels clean, and he feels ready. 

"Gon," Killua asks against Gon’s lips, satisfied, and proud. "Do you feel it?" 

Gon shakes his head, without pulling his head back. He just wants to kiss him, but Killua stops him. 

"It was you, not me, see?"

Killua pulls their joined hands up in front of Gon's eyes. 

Gon's aura glows, and the feeling is new, but not surprising. It's something new, and strong. 

Gon wakes up, and he sees his hand in front of his face. His aura is glowing, soft and weak, but it's the same glow as the dream. Not like when he was a child.

Not dark and heavy like when he murdered Pitou.

Something else. Something new. 

He sat up. The sun had yet to rise, but Gon had too much to do to wait for the darkness to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Dies and is dead*
> 
> This chapter felt so hard. Maybe the next one will feel easier. Hard to say. 
> 
> Please feel free to leave reviews. I love and treasure them all. You're all too kind, to be sure. 
> 
> ETA: Okami2506 drew some extraordinary fanart for this chapter. I still haven't recovered, emotionally. [Please take a look!](http://murderxbaby.tumblr.com/post/154876176865/do-you-feel-it-that-was-younot-mesee-oh)
> 
> I'm a busy gal, but I love this story, and will work on it as much as I can until it is done. Thanks for bearing with me. 
> 
> murderxbaby.tumblr.com


	8. Search

"Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?"

"Kurapika, you know I want the good news first, or else you're just giving me two pieces of bad news."

It was midnight, the typical time for Kurapika to try and call Killua with crucial updates. Thankfully, Killua was awake with knees curled into his chest. He sat on the wide window sill, facing the bright lights of the expansive city he and Alluka currently called home, when this call came in.

"Gon can use Nen again."

Killua kicked his legs out so quickly his joints stung. He stood up, immediately, poised against this fact like an intruder had just burst through the front door.

Kurapika waited, silent but for soft breaths of patient concern. The swish of the fan and honking taxi cabs floating up from the streets below swirled around Killua's head, though Killua barely heard it through the muffled distance of cresting memory.

Another comrade from Killua's first Hunter exam, Kurapika had become one of Killua's most steadfast and important allies since leaving the Zoldyck estate with Alluka. Kurapika was incredibly well informed, and always level-headed when considering the problems of others. In exchange, Killua's previous life experience as the heir apparent to one of the underworld’s most important families opened door for Kurapika's precarious and enigmatic work.

"So, that's the good news, then?" Killua asked, finally, with a crackling voice. He hadn't been screaming, but his throat wavered with the same exhausted intensity.

"I thought you would be pleased, honestly," Kurapika finally said. Killua didn't say anything. "But yes, that's the relatively good news," Kurapika continued to say.

"Bad news, then?"

"Gon is missing. He has been for weeks."

Kurapika said it quickly, ripping it off like a bandage. The final sound cuts off, though, into a sizzling hiss, as Killua's aura charred the phone's internal circuitry. 

Killua apologized to Alluka for waking her as he borrows her phone, and dials Kurapika’s number.

"Power outage?" Kurapika asked, in his insufferably dry way.

"How'd you find out?" Killua replied, humorlessly sharpening the edge of his voice.

"Through the grapevine. Leorio got a call from Mito Freecs last week saying she hadn't heard from Gon in over a month, which is not typical behavior for him. I also haven't received any emails from him despite having tried to contact him a few times. I assume, then, that this is all news to you?"

Killua has to pull the phone away from his ear, and set it down gently with just his thumb and forefinger. He taps the button for speaker mode. He gives no answer as he forms one fist with both hands, and jams knuckles into the wrinkled skin of his grimacing forehead.

It was all news. Killua hadn't heard from Gon in months, really. He missed him in throbbing aching pulses he did his best to dutifully ignore as he helped Alluka with the last minute preparations for starting her summer classes.

He missed him because he didn't know what to say, or how to say it.

"It's news that he's missing, but honestly, this all makes sense," Killua finally said. Kurapika's silence invited Killua to continue, even though his words were leaving his mouth faster than his good sense could track.

"The last time we talked to each other was a few months ago. We were talking about a news story, and he got mad at me, and told me that I thought he was weak," Killua said, his brain fogging up with sleep, and the confusing emotions Gon’s surprising, late night confession was stirring up.

"Weak?" Kurapika repeated, his voice crisp and unfairly well-rested. "I can understand how that would upset Gon."

"I never said anything like that, though. I don't think anything like that," Killua continued.

"Curious," Kurapika said, gently.

"It's just confusing. He said that the reason I won't let him travel with me is because I think he's weak, which is totally ridiculous. And now apparently he's run off to do some kind of special training without telling anyone," Killua said. He knew he was getting loud, so he picked up the phone, and slipped out his front door while he spoke. The early morning air on the front porch carried away his words, and did its best to cool his hot face.

"Is that why?" Kurapika asked.

Killua's brows furrowed. His chest filled with heat. "Is what why?"

"Is that why you and Gon aren't together? Because he's weak?"

The way Kurapika said together did not just mean in each other's vicinity, in the same room, talking at the same time, sharing the same air, and both young men knew it.

"Of course not," Killua replied, vulnerable and exposed by his sometimes wise and always observant friend's words. "Gon's not weak."

"Neither are you," Kurapika said, easily and quickly. Killua's lip stung as he realized he'd sunk his teeth into the pink flesh.

"So what?"

Heat in his lungs, ripe and wet-red pooling beneath the thin skin of his lips. Everything threatened to boil over, hissing into the cool night air, evaporating away thick fumes of anger and self-deception.

"Killua, you're terrified," Kurapika started. "Which I will admit is a novel sensation for me to experience second hand."

"I'm not scared of anything," Killua said, lying with effortless practice.

"Gon loves you, and that terrifies you."

Everything boiled over.

"How the fuck did you know?" Killua growled.

"Because I'm alive and functionally sentient," Kurapika said, cool and easy. "And also because Leorio told me that Gon told him as much over New Year's."

"I..." Killua said, his brain firing painfully fast with his anger, which was really just a failing attempt to shield him from what was going on beneath.

"Gon is missing, Killua. I'm sure he can take care of himself, he's Gon Freecss. But..."

"Why me?" Killua pouted.

"If I hadn't told you, you'd never forgive me, first of all," Kurapika said, his voice ticking up slightly in forceful intensity in response to Killua's childishness. "Despite all of your efforts to the contrary, you're a contact I value highly, and a friend I care about deeply."

"If he wanted me to know, he'd have told me."

It started as a declaration, but halfway through Killua's heart wavered.

"Right?"

Kurapika sighed, and it was with genuine regret.

"Your answer is as good as mine, Killua," Kurapika said. "But I wonder..."

Killua grunted. Kurapika’s voice was distant, like he was talking to himself and it was Killua’s decision whether to listen in, or not.

"Maybe the real question you need to ask right now is not what Gon wants, but what you want?"

Killua wasn't wearing much more than his pajamas. He was just standing outside in a tank top, loose shorts, and no socks or shoes. The porch felt very cold, even thought spring was right around the corner.

"I don't know what I want, Kurapika. Nothing makes sense anymore," Killua said. He shivered in the cold.

"Then let me tell you," Kurapika started. It was so quiet, and the wind was suddenly so loud, that Killua needed to ask him to repeat it.

"Let me tell you that you can't wait. You just can't...you can't wait for what you want to figure itself out. If you do, it'll be..."

Killua waited for Kurapika to continue, but Kurapika simply stopped talking.

"It's not over, Kurapika," Killua finally said. He felt like he was really just imitating someone when he said that. It wasn't really him. He wanted desperately to believe it, though.

"It is if we don't do anything, though," Kurapika said, laughing. Kurapika's laugh was rare, and unpredictable. Killua wasn't sure what it meant, but he couldn't help but join in. Bouncing from foot to foot because of the cold night, bare and exposed to any passing danger, but fearless all the same.

Fearless, but for the news that his best friend was missing. Fearless, but for the sound of a drum beat in his ears of his own racing heartbeat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alluka would be fine. She insisted on it. When Killua explained his plan to Kurapika, he immediately recommended a number of practical solutions, between hiring bodyguards to moving her to a safe house in a distant city. Alluka shook her head at all of them.

"I'll have to live on my own soon enough anyway, brother," Alluka said, reassuring and firm.

In just a few months, in fact. So, Killua just moved the plan for Alluka forward a few months. Her identity had been effectively changed. She'd been thrilled by the suggestion that she change her hair color and style. Even though she was sad to say goodbye to her friends, Killua watched her give them all one final hug goodbye as he watched for their train to arrive at the station.

"I'll miss you, but I promise to stay in touch. I'll visit whenever I can, too!"

Killua did not understand how she could say that so easily. He realized that she absolutely meant it. Even though, as he well knew, she was bound to grow and change away from her friends. She might not even need them any more. Maybe.

When Killua put Alluka on her own train in the next city, she promised to call him tomorrow, or later in the week. Not that night, or on the train. She had things to do, and so did he.

There was no guarantee he'd find a different answer here than when he'd visited Leorio.

Leorio invited Killua to stay for the weekend when Killua began his search. Killua's head floated attached to his neck like a balloon on a tether, and nothing felt real. His sister was off to the next step of her journey. Gon was missing. Leorio watched him like a porcelain teacup resting millimeters from the edge of a tall shelf.

"What happened between you two?" Leorio asked, after another awkwardly lengthy pause when Leorio had attempted to extract more from Killua about the current situation.

"Ask Kurapika, since apparently you two can't stop talking about us behind our backs," snapped Killua. Leorio growled out an expletive under his breath, but dropped the conversation for the time being.

Killua took the opportunity to spend the few days in Leorio's city continuing his research. Leorio's long hours and odd shifts in the emergency department meant the two barely crossed paths. Leorio offered help whenever their paths crossed. Killua always brushed him off.

"You're not the only one who cares about Gon," Leorio finally sputtered at Killua's departing back.  
Killua made two fists.

"Yeah, but I'm the reason he's missing," Killua admitted, quietly. "It's my fault that all of this happened. That any of it happened."

Leorio put a hand on Killua's shoulder, but Killua just shrugged it off. He had only one day left to explore the university archives before his flight to the other side of the world.

When Leorio took Killua to the airport, as Leorio insisted on doing, it was a mostly icily silent ride.

"I don't know what happened, Killua," Leorio said, finally, as the sign for the exit to the airport rolled over their heads. "I don't need to know all the details. But, trust me, I know this."

Killua didn't turn his head, but his sharp gaze darted over to the other side of the car.

"Gon loves you. And, I know Gon doesn't think it's your fault."

Killua looked back out the window.

"That's the whole problem."

He left with no more answers than he'd arrived with. Leorio waved him off, and shouted after him to remember what was really important.

Killua shook his head. Finding Gon was what was really important.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I know how old this makes me sound, but you're so tall, Killua. I can't believe it."

Mito Freecss seemed not to have aged a day. Her bright smile, and sharp eyes watched him even from across the lawn, through the glass of the kitchen window, and now across the long kitchen table. She, however, couldn't stop talking about how old she felt, in soft and warm tones.

"Gon grew up right under my nose, but seeing you here now makes me realize how much time has really passed," Mito said, her long sighs punctuating the statement.

"I apologize for showing up with so little notice," Killua said, stilted and nervous as he tried to sound sincere and polite. He had learned to manage his tone and language when navigating the systems of the world that brawn or brains or even financial heft couldn't traverse.

"I am a little surprised, I won't lie," Mito replied. "I assumed when Gon left with so little notice he was going to see you, actually. Which is why I wasn't worried."

Killua looked up from the tea that he'd let cool in front of him after taking only tiny, uncomfortable sips.

"Me?"

Mito's eyes narrowed mysteriously, casting a shadow over the bright, open smile she offered as she laughed.

"Seeing you here, though, means that maybe I don't actually know the whole story."

Killua frowned, before he could stop himself. He brought one finger to his face, and rubbed his upper lip.

"Yeah, seems like we're all at a loss about what Gon is doing now," Killua said. "Leorio said you were the one who called him, and told him that Gon was using..."

Killua trailed off. Saying it out loud to Gon's guardian made it too real.

"Nen? Whatever that is?" Mito asked, tilting her head. She stood up. Killua watched her shuffle over to the large curio holding the family treasures. She pulled open a wide drawer. Killua couldn't help but admire how neat everything in the Freecss home always was.

It was always a little surprising how neat Gon managed to be, too. Killua never paid much mind to how much work it actually took to keep a home neat. Gon had always managed those things when they were traveling together. Killua and Alluka had to figure it out the hard way after months of unsupervised living left them in unmanageable homes that more closely resembled pig sties.

"He left this. It didn't make much sense to me, but I knew it probably had to do with his Hunter stuff," Mito said. She turned back to the table, and handed Killua note that had been folded, and unfolded, many times. "The note didn't make any sense to me, but Dr. Paladiknight knew what it meant right away."

Killua opened the note slowly. He wasn't sure what he was so nervous to see, but something made him move like his limbs were heavy and useless.

 _"Dear Aunt Mito,_  
  
_It's back, but it's not very strong yet. Don't worry. This time it'll be okay._  
  
_Let my friends know that this time will be different. I promise._  
  
_I love you. I will see you soon._  
  
_Gon"_

Killua reread the note a few times. Gon's large, angular handwriting somehow matched Gon's exuberant and friendly voice. Killua's realized he was floating on bubbling, surprising streams of hope.

"He never told me what went wrong, before," Mito said. Killua's head bounced up in surprise at Mito's tone.

Resignation. A wry smile filled with love and worry. Mito sat at the table near Killua again, her face now at a close, intimate distance.

"Before?" Killua asked.

"He would never tell me the whole story," Mito answered, skipping like rocks over the surface of an answer, eyes directed at Killua's face, but looking far beyond him. "Something happened. It's why he had to come home after found Ging. It's why he seemed..."

Killua traced the lip of his cold mug of tea with his finger.

"Far away. Even when he was right next to you," Killua suggested. Mito gave a laugh that was delighted, impressed, and a perfect imitation of her nephew.

"I know Gon did dangerous things. Of course he did. He was a Hunter," Mito said. Killua met Mito's eyes. She shook her head. "He'd already have corrected me. Gon is a Hunter."

"I'm not, anymore," Killua said. "But Gon definitely is. He always will be, I think."

Mito's gaze returned to Killua's face. He could feel her looking at him. She continued talking.

"This wasn't just dangerous, though. I know that much," Mito said. "Maybe you can help me understand it all, then, since you were a Hunter, Killua."

Killua doubted he understood anything that Gon did, anymore. He used to know what Gon was going to say before he said it. He used to be able to predict his friend's movements as if he'd studied him for weeks and weeks ahead of time, memorizing his route over the course of his day like one of his former targets. 

"Gon told me that there was an incident in a country called East Gorteau," Mito said. "He told me that the only people that would be able to deal with the situation had to be Hunters. He said that he, and you, Killua, and a lot of other people had to put themselves in danger to stop something that would have put the whole world at risk."

Killua didn't know what to expect when he'd come to visit Gon's aunt. The woman he'd told Killua he thought of as his own mother. He realized he should have expected this, but he hadn't. Or, maybe, he was just desperately hopefully this topic wouldn't come up. 

"It's true," Killua explained. "I don't know what would have happened if we hadn't discovered the Chimera Ants. I don't know what any of us would have done if Gon hadn't..."

The cup was cold. Killua wrapped his long fingers around it. His skin was hot. His face had gone bright red with flush. He said nothing. He thought about that time, long ago, in his previous life. 

Gon stood stock still as long, cold limbs collided with Gon's body over and over, each meaty thwack enough to make grown, professional Hunters cringe. 

Sat in place, unyielding, watching a monster use every ounce of its focus and skill to bring a dying human back to life. 

Murdered that monster with fists and arms and strength beyond his years, outside of time, making a pact with himself that almost ended in his death.

Killua watched it all happen, and Killua couldn't do anything. The least he could do, the least he was able to do at the end, was bring his miraculous sister to Gon's side to give him his life back. He said he needed to hear Gon's apology. 

But Killua knew he was the one who needed to apologize. 

"Gon told me you were the one who saved him, though," Mito said, after a moment. "I don't think I ever thanked you for that."

The tea spilled all over his hands. If he were someone different he'd have deep, seeping red cuts all over his palms and fingers.

"I've got it!" Killua shouted as he stood up. Moving his hands apart made the mess worse, spreading the puddle of cold, sugar thick tea and shattered porcelain all over the table. 

But Mito leapt up, as well, quickly and sure, to scoop the mess into a large, cloth napkin, and carefully take it into the kitchen to toss in the garbage. Killua watched as his hands dripped tea on the table. 

"It's okay, Killua," Mito said. She returned with a clean napkin, and grabbed both of Killua's hands with it. Her hands were slightly smaller than his, but they were strong and competent. "It's okay." 

Killua's throat clenched painfully. He tried to talk. Mito pulled her hands back. 

"What is it?" Mito asked. Killua looked up into Mito's face. She was a little shorter than him now. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry about what happened to Gon, Ms. Mito. It was...I couldn't stop him. I didn't save him, at all." 

Mito set the napkin down, and pressed her palm against Killua's cheek. 

"Killua, you were both just children. It wasn't your fault." 

He realized he was crying, then. He flinched away. Mito stepped back, and he swung his arms up to swab across his wet, red face.

"I'm sorry," Killua said with a thick and heavy voice. 

"You're a good boy, Killua," Mito said. Killua pulled his arm down. Mito watched him with soft eyes, and a smile that made Killua's heart sputter like it had broken down. 

"I'm really glad you're Gon's friend," Mito said. Killua nodded, though he didn't know why, and tried to take deep breaths as he retreated into the washroom down the hall. 

\----

Mito dutifully ignored Killua's flinching face when she offered Gon's bedroom for him to stay the night, rather than return to town and pay for a hotel room. 

"I promise it's clean. Gon always kept his room clean," Mito said, reassuringly. Killua just nodded, and followed Mito up the stairs to the room, though he'd certainly never forgotten where it was. 

The room stood frozen in time. It was as if Killua had just left Whale Island years ago with Gon, and they had turned right back around to come back. 

Gon's bed, definitely too small for him now, was made carefully with precisely folded corners. Killua intended to just flop down on top of the still made bed to sleep. Unfolding the bed, and climbing inside, could not have been less appealing to Killua tonight. 

Sometimes, when he couldn't sleep, he'd remember sleeping in Gon's bed. Most of the time Killua had slept on the futon. Sometimes, though, Gon would stay up late talking to his aunt, and Killua would sit up and wait, until he couldn't wait any more. 

Sometimes, Gon and Killua would talk all night, until Mito came stomping down the hall to insist they go to bed immediately. The boys would dive under the sheets, and muffle each other's giggles with hands and trembling fingers as their glee made their whole body shake. They'd stay under the sheets like that until they were sure Mito was asleep. By then, though, they'd barely been able to move. 

"Just sleep here," Gon whispered. He gripped Killua's arm. Killua gulped, and nodded. 

"Okay."

"Okay! Have a good night, Killua," Gon said with his loudest, most excited whisper. Gon turned away, and started to gently snore within moments. 

Killua didn't sleep, not for a long time. He realized he was staring at Gon's neck. The long column of brown skin, muscles and peaks of bone. Moving with each breath. Softening and then slipping up and behind the forest of thick, coarse hair. 

Gon always smelled clean, and rich. Killua realized during his time on Whale Island that Gon smelled like the wild jungles of his home. Living, like lush and green trees. Musty like a heavy fog settling across the island in the early morning. Salty and satisfying, like the heaving, breathing sea. Like the specifically scented soap that was a specialty of the island, floral, piney and more striking than Leorio's cologne. 

Maybe that night was when Killua realized how badly he wanted to rub his lips across Gon's skin. See if he tasted like how he smelled. See if he'd smile, or gasp, or whisper at him. 

He'd pressed two hands to his cheeks. They were hot, and he felt a rush of overwhelming shame. He turned away, and failed to sleep comfortably that night. 

Now Killua knew what Gon's skin tasted like. How his muscles felt under his lips. Exactly how sharp those peaks of bones were. 

Even when they'd spent that month last summer together, though, they hadn't slept in the same bed. If they slept at all, it was with one of them on the couch, or the floor. Gon would often take the bed, at Killua's insistence. 

Killua sat on Gon's bed, and then saw something different in the room. 

Two picture frames sat propped up on Gon's desk. Even from across the low lighting of the room, Killua recognized them. 

The picture to the left, in a large, black frame, was of Gon and Killua, and their friends Leorio and Kurapika. They all took it after they had reunited in Yorkshin City. Gon and Killua were still 12. Leorio and Kurapika were still teenagers, as well.

They looked so small, and so happy. Gon's smile was a little bit wider. Leorio looked like the same grumpy asshole he always was, but his eyes sparkled, too. Kurapika was smiling, which Killua knew was a rare thing then, let alone now. 

Next to that picture, in a much smaller frame, was a picture Gon had taken of them both last summer. 

It was before Killua had confessed his ridiculous feelings to Gon. It was before Gon had nonsensically, impossibly returned them. 

Gon sprang the camera selfie on them out of nowhere, like he always did, and caught Killua unawares. 

It was fucking obvious that Killua had been staring at the back of Gon's head like the shameless, lovesick idiot he was. 

If he hadn't been holding the frame, and running his fingers aimlessly around the edge, he'd probably have missed it entirely. The small indentations carved into the particleboard wood of the frame. 

Killua recognized it immediately, though he hadn't managed to learn it well enough to read it himself. 

He dropped to the carpet, and pulled over his phone. He considered pulling open his dictionary of runes and characters, but realized that that wasn't really the answer. 

Delicately held between his two hands, in case he miscalculated something, and the frame would shatter into pieces, Killua concentrated. He summoned a small, smooth pulse of aura around his hands. 

The information was simple. The hand writing was instantly recognizable. It was actually much harder to release the fasteners holding the back of the frame in place without breaking any of them. 

In clear writing that could only be revealed with Nen traveling across the surface, Gon had written something, including geographical coordinates, on the glass of the frame. Inside, behind the picture, was a letter.

The handwriting on the letter was not Gon's. It was actually sloppier, and denser. Written with a tiny pencil against a knee by a campfire, or something equally makeshift.

It was a letter from Ging Freecss, Gon’s rambling, infamous father. Parts of the letter were circled, and Gon had written extensive notes in the margins. 

As soon as Killua snapped the light on, and read the notes, he realized that he couldn't stay the night. He couldn't wait for a ferry. He'd swim across the sea to the next port, if he had to, but hoped it wasn't too late to simply charter a flight. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe he could have gotten there faster on his own. Maybe. He was still fast. Fantastically fast. 

Unrealistically fast.

He hadn't actually tried to run fast enough to skim across the surface of a body of water, but he had actually done the math once. He could probably make it for a while at his top speed, but the moment he faltered he'd probably fall straight through the waves.

Which raised the question of how badly his electrified aura and deep ocean water would mix.

The horizon had curved back and away in a wide, dark blue sweep. It gave him little to do but chase his own thoughts in circles as he sat sleepless by the window.

The sun finally showed itself as the airship angled towards the remote landing strip. Killua figured it wasn't even going to be paved, and because the craft was so small, he could look over the pilot's shoulder to confirm.

The pilot asked few questions, even before Killua had to flash his Hunter license to emphasize how quickly meant immediately, and how no other guests were welcome to charter this craft along the way unless the pilot wanted Killua to toss her out on the Tarmac, and take command of the ship himself.

The gentle jostling signaled the end of the flight, and the beginning of the work. Killua shouted his farewell as he sprinted out of the aircraft's bulkhead door as soon as it opened.

Killua's feet hit the ground running, literally. Within moments, he'd run faster than any one could possibly have seen, past the guards and the fences surrounding the tiny, barely more than a strip of dirt landing strip.

Killua hadn't traveled to this country since he was a child, with the assistance of his brother, for a job. He knew that if push came to shove he'd need money and his license, but for now he hoped his speed and the element of surprise would save him time that he could not afford to waste.

It didn't take more than an hour to clear the shanty towns, followed by luxurious post-colonial mansions, and enter the string of ultra luxurious beach side resorts the tiny, struggling country had become famous for. The check points between these side-by-side worlds would present a challenge to travelers moving by car, but managed to do little to hinder Killua's journey.

The guards did not use Nen. Killua wasn't altogether surprised. The island nation was well known as a destination for the rich, but held little interest for the average Hunter.

The optimal word was "average."

It was the very darkest part of night by the time Killua reached the cliff side on the islands southwestern corner. Far from the white sand and blue waters of the beach side resorts, this rocky alcove was wildly and dangerous beautiful, as surf crashed violently against the cliff walls.

Just as Gon's notes had indicated, far in the distance stood a tall, conical shape. It was a volcano out of a children's picture book. It silhouetted against the blackened sky like it was cut from construction paper and glued to the horizon.

Killua estimated the height of the cliff. He wondered if his earlier day dream about sprinting across water at his fastest speed could actually work. He looked behind his back, and to either side. The island was tropical, and the thick forest gave him no reasonable way to build up enough speed to hit the water at the right angle to avoid plunging under.

He had figured he'd need to do this. He'd avoided bringing anything beyond his phone, cash, and Hunter's license in a water tight case strapped around his waist.

Killua threw off his jacket and stripped to his undershirt and shorts. He clenched and released his two fists. He stretched out his calves, and thigh muscles with quick hops, and twisted his arms around his head. He shook out his arms, and breathed deeply into his lungs, through his nose, and carefully emptied his lungs out of his mouth. His lips and jaw shook, even though it was at least 30 degrees Celsius tonight.

Nothing else presented itself to him as an option. It was never if, it was always when.

A less than perfect arc. Killua chastised himself a little as his hands carved their way through the ocean-borne breeze. He had prepared his aura precisely to enter the water, but at this rate it was going to hurt like hell.

The splash was quiet, but the water still jolted every nerve in Killua's body. Swimming would never be his favorite thing, but he was skilled at it. Even without the support of his Nen, he could easily swim the distance between the cliff and the spewing monument to tectonic upheaval in the distance.

With the assistance of his aura, though, Killua made very short work of the choppy and thick grey waves. He hoped he wouldn't find what he was prepared to find. He tried to visualize it as he focused on his swim stroke in the same way he would visualize any imminent challenge.

Hunters largely ignored this resort nation, but not because it lacked the rare and the extraordinary. On the contrary. Creatures had been sighted that were straight out of legend on the distant members of the nation's winding island chain.

Not simply famed for their danger, which Killua had reconfirmed during the trip. Dozens of Hunters had been killed in their pursuit since their discover 50 years ago. The few successful encounters were successes simply because the Hunters escaped with their lives.

Danger, though, could be found anywhere. When those Hunter's escaped, they escaped having lost something profound, and unprecedented.

They had all lost their ability to use Nen.

Nothing to Killua's knowledge matched this. Nothing, that is, except for the shriveled up body of his best friend, empty of life and potential.

Covenant and restriction.

The tropical sea was not cold enough to be dangerous, but the waves and surging currents soon required too much focus to navigate for Killua to spend more time considering the situation ahead of him.

Gon may not even be here. He might have changed his mind, or gone somewhere else. He might have just booked a hotel room and gave himself a nice vacation.

Killua knew that was impossible. The only course Gon would follow would be the one that would offer him the opportunity to risk everything on one spectacular gamble.

"They don't take Nen. They alter its flow. They change how the body uses Nen," Ging had apparently told Gon. The scribbled notes Gon wrote on his father's letter made little sense. Killua still hadn't made any more sense of them now.

As the water grew choppier and less predictable, only one thought floated to the top of Killua's mind, moving him forward. 

_"If you've found this, something really bad happened. I'm sorry."_

\----

It wasn't just from water, or the exertion. Killua's face was coated in sweat from the heat. The bleeding volcano, which from this distance he could see pour out a black-red and crackling flow of guts. The island, which compared to its much older compatriots, was not a lush and living environment. It was small and sharp and rocky. Nothing should be able to live there.

Something else made the air hot. Almost too hot to breath. Killua stopped his frantic paddling. He tread water, and took a moment to look towards the shore. 

Nothing should be able to live there, but something huge was there. Moving. Creeping slowly. 

Killua starting swimming, again. He swam faster, and faster, even though the wind increased tenfold, churning the ocean around Killua into swollen white peaks. He could barely understand the painful sensations under his hands and knees.

Killua lifted his head above the water. Heat radiated over his face and arms. Killua flinched in pain. 

Something more startling than the heat flowed into Killua's body. Aura powerful and omnipresent. Nothing like the most powerful combatants Killua had faced, or the most malicious. 

The pressure left Killua bent in half over the water, barely able to scramble up out to his feet. He gripped his knees, and tilted his head up to look over the sweep of rocky, black shore. 

A tall figure stood, swaying, and behind an even larger, a much, much larger, creature loomed irresistibly behind. 

The figure was a man. His sweep of his shoulders was wide, and his arms ended in quivering fists. 

It was a scene from his dreams, and his nightmares. The creature was the source of the overwhelming aura. The pressure that locked Killua in place.

The figure moved his arms. His stance was steady and practiced. The dip in his knees was the only momentary betrayal of his current situation. 

Hopelessly outmatched. 

The creature stood on tree trunk legs, and a long neck with whip crack speed curled up, and around, considering the man from every angle. A hiss like thousands of snakes, and a snort that was rank and smelled overpoweringly of sulfur. 

As it moved, aura flowed around the giant being. Killua's own aura flared, instinctively, in response, before he could resist. 

The man's aura flared, as well. Killua knew it instantly, but something was significantly, prominently different. 

Before Killua was able to understand what he was sensing, the hissing mouth went dangerously silent. Its mouth opened. Lines of sharp teeth dripped. 

The scent of sulfur replaced every other sensation. The man fell to his knees. 

The aura surrounding the creature exploded, and a thousand missiles of fire arced through the darkness. 

Killua failed to shout Gon's name when the breath was sucked from his lungs as the entire world started to burn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the logistics are in place. The next chapter will be important, so I am hoping to do it justice. Thank you so much for coming along with the ride. So many people have very, very kindly reached out to me about enjoying this story, and I'm so touched. This story means a lot to me, and working on it is very hard, and very satisfying.


	9. Pair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canon typical violence. A lot of Nen nonsense. You will probably be mad. Please bear with me. <3 I love you, and I love Killugon.

_He could sense him deep in his gut. Something viscerally familiar. Deeper than scent or sight or touch. Maybe something closer to deja-vu._

_His mind filled with images from his memory, some of them imaginary, and some from his dreams._

_His mouth fell open, caught by a desire to yell for his friend to run, and a desire to call him to his side._

_He stood with his fists out stretched. It was some tricky, fraudulent balance between a legitimate pose of defense, and an attempt to make himself look huge and intimidating before wild animals._

_But this was not a wild animal. He'd realized that immediately._

_It had taken days and days to become accustomed to the pressure so overwhelming he was certain his bones were about to crack. He hadn't felt anything like this since he had..._

_But that memory did him no good. This was something new. He needed to do something he'd never done before._

_It was overwhelming, but he'd learned to bear it. And then suddenly, it all changed._

_His lungs forced out his breath, and his knees buckled. He felt the temperature grow from uncomfortable to unbearable. He sank to his knees._

_He heard his name. He couldn't stop what was about to happen._

_He couldn't explain this, because it was something he'd never done before. Something that would completely surprise the one who called his name._

_He needed to lose._

 

\----

Gon's dense and heavy body barely slowed Killua down as he blasted across the distance at nearly his full speed. He wrapped his arms around Gon's chest, and clasped his hands together around him protectively. Gon gripped him back, instinctively.

They tumbled to the ground, as wave after wave of skin blistering heat rolled over their bodies. The creature expelled a torrential blast of fire directly where Gon had been standing.

Killua twisted their bodies around, and created a cage out of his own limbs. He activated his aura, hoping it would be enough to shield them both. He looked down. Gon's eyes startled him.

Gon's eyes were narrow. His jaw and lips firmly set.

Killua felt pressure of heat and otherworldly power against his back, and the sputtering, yet familiar, pulse of Gon's aura pressed up against his his face and chest.

"No," Gon said, through his gritting teeth. "Get off of me."

"Gon," Killua started to say, until the world exploded with noise.

The creature behind had breathed out all of its flame, and cried an empty, echoing, deafening cry.

Killua's brain rattled as he felt the creature's longing deep in the hollows of his heart.

Gon stood quickly, primed and ready, while Killua fell back on his heels.

"Killua, stay back," Gon insisted. No, he definitely demanded it.

"Gon!?"

Killua called after Gon, who stepped without hesitation back on the now blackened and charred ground.

The creature, neck taller than the trees of Killua's home mountain, peered down, swayed fitfully, a metronome of muscular, lethal power. Gon squared his shoulders, and clenched his fists.

Killua stood up, but he was unsteady. When Gon activated his aura, he nearly stumbled.

The creature's aura blinked, and flared back up heavier and more oppressive than ever. Killua had to coat himself in thick layers of Nen just to keep his breath moving in and out of his mouth.

Gon exhaled. The creature stopped swaying.

Something passed between Gon and the creature, and the fact that Killua could not understand what it was terrified him.

Curving like some celestial hand bent the creature's neck, a large head heavy with thick tufts of fur and grave, indigo eyes swept low until one huge eye could fully consider Gon Freecs: brave, broad and standing all alone.

Killua could only barely make out Gon's face, but he knew that look. Scared, and then determined. Flowing with fear like water over river rocks, and then stubborn and unmoving like stone. A transition between the two states like a dancer stepping quickly. Effortless and impossible to look away from.

Gon's aura flared, again, and then it flared again. It grew and grew, and Killua wanted to do something other than get sick to his stomach.

The creature smirked, there was no other word for it, as its mouth that was as wide as Gon was tall spread into a thin, mocking line. The pressure from the creature's aura grew from heavy to crushing. Killua gripped the air with two shaking fists, and concentrated on simply keeping himself upright.

Gon's aura was nothing like it used to be, but it was clear he was producing every ounce of it he was capable of producing.

As if Gon's aura was a direct provocation, the creature lifted its head, and let out a long, world-tilting roar.

As if Gon's aura was now water being poured from a basin it slid off, and away, from him, and towards the creature. Killua diverted as much of his protective aura to his eyes as he dared, in order to track Gon's aura's progress. It lifted off of Gon's body like a thick, hazy fog, and swirled up and around the creature's head and neck.

Gon groaned. His knees bent at awkward, unsteady angles. He threw out his arms, to try and keep his balance. Killua couldn't imagine what this felt like, but seeing Gon like this made Killua question how he could continue to stand upright.

Suddenly, the noise ended, and the aura stopped. The creature righted its head and neck so swiftly the draft of air nearly knocked Killua over. He had to close his eyes, and brace himself. When he reopened his eyes, some invisible cable connecting the creature to Gon's body snapped in half. Like a puppet with no strings, Gon's arms fell uselessly to his sides, and his knees collided with the sharp, rocky ground.

Killua called Gon's name before he could feel his lips move. He bounded across the ground so recklessly and quickly he nearly stumbled on sliding rocks, like a clumsy amateur.

The creature moved almost as quickly, sweeping its head to either side of its body like its neck were on springs. One eye turned towards Gon, and then another.

Gon fell forward.

The creature's head launched forward like artillery shot.

He could fuel his reactions with pure electrical impulse. Killua's human errors and flaws were smoothed away as he activated his god speed.

Killua was a tall, lank, and all too human barrier between Gon's prone body, and this hurtling force.

If he had been a moment slower his body would have been sent flying by the giant head.

Instead, the space around Killua's entire form began to carry the charge of his aura. The creature's huge face pressed against the crackling air.

Killua feet and fists flew. Painful, meaty thuds of colliding flesh filled the air.

The creature roared, and Killua yelled.

Killua stumbled backwards, until his heels pressed against Gon's side. 

The creature's neck curled back like a corkscrew, sharp and tight.

Gon said something, much too quietly to be heard. His hand encircled Killua's bare calf.

The creature stepped back. Its neck uncurled, giant eyes rolling until they were two startling spheres of white.

"Killua, stop," Gon finally managed to shout, with a ragged voice.

Killua did not understand what was happening. He knew two things for sure, however.

The creature standing before him, moving with slow and deliberate menace, was the most powerful creature on the island.

Gon, lying prone behind him and pleading with him, had no Nen. Gon was utterly helpless.

The air sizzled again as Killua activated his aura again. He realized that Gon continued to touch him so he shaped his aura to contain them both. Gon's fingers shook against his skin.

They heard the noise, different and deafeningly loud, behind them both. Killua could sense the creature was as startled as he was, and they both turned their attention to the hill behind them.

Cresting the top of the black sand hill was a massive, golden being. Squat, with large legs bent out to the side like it was crawling on its belly. Scales as long as Killua was tall. Smooth and sharp everywhere that the other creature was long and silky-soft.

Killua did not believe his eyes, at first. He believed what he felt happen next, though.

The creature behind let out a long sound, low and rumbling. It was not a roar. It was not a cry, or a screech.

It was purring. It was a warm greeting borne from deep familiarity.

The giant being on the hill shone in the darkness like sunlight. Its long, reptilian head turned down the hill to consider the creature now purring at the sight of it. It let out a long note of its own, keening and shrill.

Everything that happened next happened because every being on the small, exploding island valued the life of another over their own.

The air no longer whipped around them as a frenzy of hot wind. It went still, and the creatures standing on either side of Gon and Killua went silent.

Threat hung in the air, until the sensation that replaced it made the threat reality.

The sizzling aura surrounding Killua had become effortless since the years of its discovery for him to control. The tingle along his arms and bare knees and fingers startled him beyond a simple reflex borne of discomfort.

The creatures were silent, and another familiar, rasping voice began to cry out.

Gon stood, quickly, stumbling to his feet like a drunkard. Killua instinctively reached out to steady him, but had to pull his arm back immediately. His skin was tight and hot, and he realized he'd burned himself with his own aura.

Gon continued to make startling noise. He did not acknowledge Killua at all. Killua could only watch as Gon bent his head low, and curled his shoulders towards his ears. He moved like fury.

Gon began march towards the golden beast as if traveling along a line drawn in the black sand.

Nen did not have a color, but anyone who practiced Nen could describe the look, or feel, or taste of it. Of their own, a little, and of each other's, thoroughly.

Killua could still sense Gon's old aura in his mouth and nose and hands.

This was familiar, too, but it was not Gon's aura.

It was dark, and it was red. It was blood, and fire, and hate.

Killua pushed it aside. The truth did him no good right now.

Instead, now existed nothing but the thinnest space between possibilities: yell after Gon, chase him, or wait to see what would happen next.

However, the thin space burned away to nothing, and Killua's body made the decision about what happened next.

The air was still, but there was motion in the air. Energy as intense as hot sunlight soaked into Killua's bones. Like a limb stretched beyond a comfortable range of motion, or hair tugged too hard between his fingers, his aura twisted, and rolled tight. It felt wrong.

Yanked in one direction, and then the other, and suddenly Killua realized his aura's flow now traveled along the same invisible line as Gon's slow march.

In the way that Killua had refined and practiced that ineffable sixth sense until he knew exactly who was looking at him from hundreds of meters away, he knew right now that all eyes were focused away from him.

The creatures communicated with each other, somehow.

The creatures both focused together, completely, on Gon.

His aura moved, up and away, as if caught like a feather by a tailwind in the sky, and Killua did not feel it strain, or lessen. It left his body, and his body produced more, from some unexplained source deep within himself.

Frozen in place, his own muscles cramping with effort, Killua watched Gon's back and legs and arms tense up with barely restrained power.

The golden beasts eyes were huge. They were a color Killua had never seen before in nature, bright, glowing purple. They blinked, slowly, as Gon crested the hill towards the being.

The creature's head turned from one side, to the other, as both eyes began to take in the sight of the approaching man.

Giant claws, thick and sharp, carved deep trenches in the black soil. As Gon approached, the creature pulled itself closer. It slid along the ground, belly dragging, with clouds of black dust blocking out the sky beyond.

More and more energy built up within Killua. He knew it as panic. He knew it as rage. And fear. He knew exactly what was happening, and stood helpless to stop it.

The gray creature moved. Killua moved his head, then, as if it was on a pivot held in another's hands, twisted between forceful fingers.

The gray creature, with eyes like moss and tree bark, bent it long neck into an arch that brought it closer, and closer to Killua.

No words spoken. Killua heard nothing. But the creature's intentions were clear.

_"No. You are danger. We will stop you."_

Nen moved wildly along Killua's skin. The flow he'd worked for years to master and manipulate moved according to another's will, now. It continued to gush from his body like a bleeding artery, pumping away his energy and power. The gray creature's eyes were set too wide apart to take in Killua's form together, so the creature swiveled its head back and forth. It was hypnotic, and Killua wanted desperately to move his toes, bend his elbow, or twist his fingers into claws, but he couldn't even manage that.

His mind raced so quickly it might as well have frozen just as uselessly in place.

If the creature had wanted him dead, it would be as easy as stomping on him like a bug.

Killua's death wasn't the point.

Gon's body was still moving towards the golden creature, and without control of his Nen Killua could not know for sure, but as his mind raced, his memories became too overwhelming to ignore.

Gon, taller and stronger, impossibly and unnaturally so, but humming with the same overwhelming energy. Gon, with two dripping fists, blue and red blood mixing.

The memory of when Gon was a monster.

The gray creature thought Killua was dangerous. And in that moment, as if linked together, the gray creature and Killua both knew the same thing.

Gon was terrifying, and dangerous.

"Gon!"

He was able to scream, and the silence shattered. Gon's head lifted. The golden beast's head lowered.

One of them struck first, but it didn't matter, in the end. The next blow was returned immediately.

Watching them exchange careful, measured blows would have been impressive if the sheer, torturous impact of each of the golden creature's head slams, and tail swipes, didn't look so bone shakingly painful.

He knew Gon did not mind pain. He knew all too well, brutally and viscerally well, that Gon would put up with pain.

Killua did not understand, and he hated it.

He hated that Gon was in pain.

He hated feeling helpless.

He still could not move his proficient body.

He hated himself.

Gon had risked himself again. Gon had put himself in lethal, terrible danger again.

He hated himself.

Gon, now, wasn't even Gon, anymore. The creature's energy, Gon's pride, his twisted and stunted aura had transformed.

As Killua continued to watch, Gon stumbled back, his shirt filthy with black dust, and blood. His skin shone with sweat. Gon's legs shivered as if it were cold.

"Jan!"

Gon cocked his arm back. Killua started to scream again.

"Ken!"

As Killua's screams turned his voice hoarse, the gray creature stepped closer, and closer. The long, heavy neck curled over Killua's head, blocking out the moonlight.

Screaming emptied the last of Killua's air out of his lungs. As he tried to pull more oxygen into his nose and mouth, something squeezed deep inside his chest like two powerful fists.

Even though he couldn't move, Killua's arms and legs went rag doll limp. The force stealing away his aura held him upright like he was a puppet hanging from strings.

If it hadn't been his aura the creature had stolen, Killua would not have sensed what happened next. Unable to turn his head, or do much beyond tip his eyeballs up to see the long neck above him, he could still feel it. He felt his aura gather in the creature's body. It gathered together into a huge, sickening clot. The creature opened its jaw. Energy potent enough to nearly blind Killua shot out in a blue and white stream.

He could hear Gon's voice again.

"Guu!"

Killua watched the light move towards Gon, and his heart died in his chest, beating itself against his ribs until it was useless pulp.

The light moved just as Gon moved. The light flew over Gon towards the beast, just as Gon's body flew towards it as well.

Killua had to force his eyelids shut, the most movement he was capable of, but the explosion of energy and light still made him scream out a painful, bloody, rasping cry.

The long neck moved so quickly Killua could feel the draft of burning air ruffle his hair. As if the explosion took a pair of scissors to the invisible strings holding Killua's body upright, his limbs filled with concrete, and his face collided painfully with the filthy ground.

His eyes were closed. Killua saw nothing. The sounds were muffled by the ringing in his head, until they turned into nonsense. He felt nothing but pain and choked on his saliva and the clouds of dust his fall kicked up.

An earthquake shook the ground. The darkness fell over Killua's body like a blanket. The ground shook again, and again.

The grey creature must be moving.

He lay prone, and vulnerable. Every organ quivered inside with nausea.

He'd done nothing.

No, worse.

He'd made everything worse. That explosion could only have meant one thing.

He hoped and hoped the creatures would just end it all, already. His body was useless, and his heart a pile of choking, black dust.

Killua watched Gon die once before, and he knew this time it would kill him.

\----

The rage came swirling up from the murky depths of Gon's memories. It lived in his bones. Rage at Kite's murderer.

Rage at how it felt to be weak.

Gon planned to do this alone.

If he died, he would die alone.

He was afraid. That was only natural.

But he'd been cut off from his source, deep inside. Empty and aimless.

The dream had given him a purpose again.

"You can get your Nen back, you know," Ging had told him. "If you want to."

Gon hadn't know what he'd wanted, until he realized he'd always known.

_"I can't keep both of you safe, you know?"_

Ging gave him suggestions earlier in the year, but it was the throwaway line near the end of the letter the  
attracted him like a moth to a fiery death.

"Dozens of Hunters have died, but if you ask me, they just weren't approaching the problem correctly. You're asking them to judge if you're worthy. If you're not, that's the end of the story. Isn't that always true for a Hunter?"

Was Gon worthy?

Maybe that was what had been in his mind when the overflow began. The aura surrounding him was again totally unnatural. It was little more than an over sized weapon placed in an amateur's hands. It sizzled underneath his skin, and instinct took over.

He'd cocked his arm back, relieving that past mistake.

"Gon!"

He heard his name, but it was too late.

"Jan!"

He heard the scream, but he couldn't stop.

"Ken!"

Then, the scream went silent.

"Guu!"

Gon's fist flew forward, and the earth exploded around him.

The collision was not with hard scales, or the thudding give of flesh. His fist connected with something hard, and  
unyielding, like incredibly thick glass.

It didn't shatter. It curved inward, and absorbed the force of his blow. The sensation shuddered up his arm like ice dragging over his skin.

Like fingers that drew long, bright red trails of dripping blood with deadly sharp precision.

Gon swallowed air. He coughed because it was a maelstrom of blood and swirling grime. The beast was safe, and  
Gon turned his back on it.

He couldn't speak, properly, and his voice was worthless, but he wouldn't be worthless anymore.

"Killua," he hacked, and ran.

He ran, and ran, because he wasn't a blink and you'd miss it burst of blue brilliance.

When he reached Killua's side, he saw a tiny, crumpled fawn. A long-limbed, just born beast with a shattered heart, curled up and encircled by a halo of his own blood.

Gon did not want to kill the creatures.

Gon didn't want to kill anyone.

He didn't want to.

Only once.

He didn't want to kill anything, honestly. Honestly.

He just didn't have a choice.

He didn't have a choice then, and he didn't have one now.

\----

Pain was always temporary. Consequences were what lasted after a bruise healed into yellow and green swirls.

There were consequences to everything. Telling Gon that he liked him, and then letting Gon kiss him.

Kissing Gon back.

Holding Gon in his arms and smelling what Gon's tears smelled like. Feeling them cool on the skin of his hands.

None of this would have happened if it weren't for him.

He should have swallowed the pain. Kept his secrets safe. Kept Gon safe.

He couldn't see Gon until he slowly rolled from his belly to his side. He watched the black grid of thick soled boots fly up and over his head. Two legs on either side of him landed. They stood as tall and steady as trees.

As Gon stood over him, Killua's muscles loosened, the tightness in his skin releasing. He might as well have been naked without his Nen, but he could begin to move, again. He lifted himself onto his hands and knees.

Moonlight and star light dappled his hands again, as his dazzled eye sight struggled to focus. As he moved, Gon moved too, like a shield attached to his back. Killua could finally lift his head up.

A shadow fell over the golden beast, looming from the vantage point on the nearby hill. The gray creature's neck curled over the beast's spine, darkening the golden scales. The golden beast stepped forward, tail whipping from side to side with a furious mind of its own.

Killua rose to his knees. He had to stand up, and stand ready. Gon stepped forward, standing directly between Killua and the creatures.

Two pairs of eyes reflected the light of the stars and the billowing pillows of red lava. They watched, still and waiting. Killua tried to return their stare, and failed, retreating to watch Gon's wide back.

Gon straightened his arms and legs. Poised with the power to fight, or flee.

Killua did not understand. He finally climbed to his feet.

The air was acrid. Every breath was potentially treacherous. He was unsteady, while Gon stood rooted into the black earth.

The aura echoed all around. It rang in Killua's ears. His stomach turned, over and over.

Killua did not understand, and in that gap lived every source of Killua's fear.

Gon stood ready. Killua started to say Gon's name. Gon turned his head.

Eyes hidden by darkness. Gon reached his arm around, until his fingertips brushed the back of Killua's hand.

"I have to."

Killua couldn't form the words as Gon turned back around, again.

_"No, you fucking don't. You can leave. You can run away. You can choose to live."_

Gon ran away from him.

The golden beast reared back. The gray creature bellowed something almost human.

It was a collision course. It was a conflict set on rails, without anything but fear or spite to power its velocity.

The air was acrid, and not just with the sulfuric scent of the volcano roiling under their feet.

Killua recognized the sensation of death and simmering anger Gon left trailing out behind as he ran towards them.

The creature and the beast stood ready to face this oncoming and devastating force.

It should have been impossible for Killua to have seen what happened next, because his Nen was little more than dregs at the bottom of his heart, but he could see it plain as the moon in the sky.

The sense of seeing a reflection. His own aura curved in a shimmering arc before the creatures.

Gon's sickening swirl of energy oozed around him in contrast.

Stoic, frozen waves of Killua's fear. Dripping, oozing, bubbling blasts of Gon's desperate longing.

The collision between the two played in Killua's mind like a horror movie.

A body burned and tossed aside. Trampled under giant feet.

Two giant fists, and hair that had never been cut, flowing up in the updraft of impossible, miraculously hateful energy.

Killua did not have Nen anymore.

He had nothing but soaking wet clothes, bleeding cuts on his hands and feet, and that worthless scrap of a license in the pack tied over his belly.

But, he was still faster than Gon, right now, even though all he had was a lifetime of running as fast and as far as he could away from danger.

Gon's forehead reached the force field first, and sent his head flying backwards at a bone cracking angle. His hand didn't even reach yet as the body flew back like a leaf in the wind.

Killua didn't catch Gon as much as slow the comet of his body as it streaked across the nightscape. The two of them flew together until they smashed through the crashing waves of the shore, and broke apart against countless sharp rocks.

After two or three slippery, painful scrambles, Killua righted himself in the water, and turned to see Gon laying prone in the surf.

As if he'd just pulled Gon's plug from an outlet, Killua saw the light go out. Gon's eyes fluttered, and he stopped clenching his fist.

Killua still felt Gon's terrible aura. He looked back at the beasts. The grey creature's long neck curved around, as if to protect, or contain, the golden beast. Killua could not see the aura, as he could not summon his own to strengthen his vision, but he felt it.

His own, and Gon's, in a thick fog around the creatures. Killua wanted to be sick as he sensed it, but there was no time.

Pain was always temporary.

Killua hefted Gon onto his back, and began swimming away from the island.

The back of Killua's neck grew hot, even as the rest of him soaked straight to the bone with chill, as Gon breathed against him.

For long, perilous moments, Killua barely felt anything. He had to struggle simply to balance Gon's limp body against him, and avoid ducking under the waves.

Eventually, Gon stirred, and gripped Killua's neck. Killua could let go of Gon's arms then, and focus on his slow and careful swim strokes. Gon continued breathing, and then Killua could feel the breath, though Killua could not hear it over the waves.

Gon kept asking "Why?"

Eventually, when Killua heard Gon's word, his stomach heaved and if it weren't empty but for fear and rage, he would have suffocated on his own sick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

On another small island off the main coast of the island nation, two young men washed up along with the morning sunlight. An island peeking from the ocean, lush and dense with living things. Killua smelled the thick breathing soil and sand under his nose. He finally opened his eyes, even though it hurt to do even just that.

Everything hurt. It hurt to breath, and it hurt to move his bare toes.

It hurt the most to think. Killua's heart kept beating, even though every slap of pink red muscle against rib cage stung.

"Oh, thank God," said Gon. Killua closed his eyes again. He heard the crunch of the beach moving under Gon's knees as his friend knelt next to him.

Gon's hand swept away Killua's wet bangs and for a moment it made the ache hide in the corners of Killua's body.

"I knew you were still breathing, but I worried that you weren't even going to wake up," Gon whispered.

Killua could barely hear him over the surf, and the ringing in his head. He tried to move, with a little more success, but a lot more pain. He cried out, without meaning to, as one arm flopped out to his side.

The hand rose, lifted and held gently between two calloused palms, strong fingers gently uncurling Killua's fingers.

"I thought I'd let you..."

Gon brought Killua's hand to his mouth, and his lips spelled the words against Killua's skin.

_Let him die. Let him die. Let him die._

"Just like Kite."

Killua set fire to his own skin and muscles as he ripped his hand free of Gon's grasp. He stood up too fast, and started hacking up bile and sea water. He saw Gon move towards him out of the corner of his eye. He spun in place so quick seawater from his wet clothes and hair sprayed Gon's face.

"No!"

Gon stopped. He clenched his face until his lip curled out slightly, and his eyebrows came together.

"Killua?"

"Just, fuck, no, Gon," Killua said. He knew what he wanted to say. He's heard it chanting at him from the back of his mind since he broke the picture frame and saw the note.

"I don't understand," Gon answered. His voice nearly lost its way on its journey towards Killua.

"I know you don't, Gon!" Killua shouted. Gon stepped closer. Killua stepped back. He felt waves break over his feet. "I know you don't understand, Gon, that's the whole problem! You did it again! Even after you apologized to me. You did it again!"

Gon stumbled back. Killua tasted grit and iron in his mouth. He spit blood with his words.

"You tried to kill yourself again, Gon!"

Twin brown eyes looked red and puffy. They sparkled. Killua looked down to see bleeding fists worrying the soaking fabric of Gon's shorts.

"That's not it..." Gon started. Killua pointed, and moved, until his finger hovered inches from Gon's chest.

"You went alone, without your Nen, to one of the most dangerous places in the entire world, and tried to fight creatures that even 2 and 3 star Hunters have died fighting. What in the else would you fucking call a stunt like that, Gon?!" Killua hissed. He spoke as quickly and clearly as he could through his choking throat. He still couldn't meet Gon's eyes. He looked from side to side, just past Gon's shoulders.

"I wasn't going to die," Gon muttered. Gon's voice sounded weak. Killua nearly bit his tongue as he pulled back his arm.

"Gon, if I had gotten there a half a second later, you'd be burned alive, and then swallowed whole by that monster! You'd be dead! Gon, you'd be fucking dead, again!"

Their eyes met. Tears rolled down Gon's cheeks, but his eyes were narrowed and hot. The air chilled in Killua's mouth and throat.

"I know that," Gon said. He had to looked up at Killua as he spoke, but Killua shrank before him as Gon's spine straightened.

"What?"

"I know that I could have died," Gon said. He breathed, and continued "I went there knowing it, but I..."

Killua stepped back, one step, and then two, and turned. He couldn't look at Gon, right now, and he felt how painful every step was. Every blink of his now brimming eyes. He shouted through bubbling, heaving breaths.

"What in the fuck! Gon, what in the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Killua got no further before he felt Gon's hands on his shoulder. He shivered, and Gon's hand was so warm as he stopped. Gon's hand spun Killua back. Killua bit his lip. Looking in Gon's eyes made his heart beat too fast.

"I had to, Killua, I had to," Gon said. He rubbed his thumb in nervous circles against Killua's bare skin. "I had to get my Nen back, and Ging said it was the only way..."

Killua scoffed. He shrugged Gon's hand away.

"Ging said that it was an untested theory, and he wasn't even sure it would work," Killua said.

Gon bent his head. "You read his letter?" he asked in a small voice.

"How the fuck else would I even have known you were here?"

Gon looked up, again, still sniffling, still burning hot like iron in a fire.

"I don't need you, Killua," Gon declared.

Everything hurt, again, and the confusing argument no longer distracted from it.

There was nowhere to go. Gon called Killua's name, almost immediately after hearing what he'd just said. Killua stepped into the surf, and curved his shoulders towards his ears.

"I didn't mean that," Gon said to the back of Killua's trapped body.

The reply came out cruel, and Killua did not regret that, at least at first.

"I should have just let you die, then."

Waves crashed in Killua's head and he heard nothing but the ocean, until Gon's silence made his ears ring.

He wanted to take the words back inside, after a moment, but instead he continued.

"Isn't that what you want, anyway? To keep putting yourself in ridiculous danger until you're finally a smear on the ground?"

Killua could feel Gon behind him, stepping closer. He knew the curve of Gon's breath, now.

He could remember, with accuracy that made his hands shake, the gentle touch of Gon's lips against the back of his neck.

"I don't want that," Gon said. Killua scoffed. Gon leaned forward, until Killua could sense hands reaching for his hands or wrist or waist. Killua spun then, stepping back farther into the water.

"You just want to keep being the same stupid jackass you were as a kid, until I race across the entire world to rescue you?" Killua spat. Gon frowned, and shook his head.

Killua frowned, too, and he felt his eyes sting with tears, too, like Gon's face was a mirror.

"I want you," Gon whispered. Gon's voice broke into a nearly inaudible, husky noise, but Killua heard it. He stepped back again, and shook his head. He had to bite his lip to stop it from quivering.

"What?" Killua replied.

"I want to be with you, Killua. That's what I want now. I figured it out," Gon said. Gon's voice rose, a bit higher and a bit higher. Hopeful and pleading. Desperately grating against the emotions trapped in his throat.

"So that's why you almost died? Because you want to be with..." Killua shouted, his voice rose in response, before he was interrupted. Gon nodded so violently Killua was worried he was going to rattle his brain loose, and lifted his hand towards Killua.

Gon's fingers brushed against Killua's cheek gently. His fingers were roughly calloused, and the touch was familiar and soft. Killua could produce no words as his skin flushed with heat and concern.

"I'm not strong enough yet, so that's why I had to do this," Gon said. Killua turned his face into Gon's hand, but as he heard Gon's words, his eyes widened.

"That's....that's why?" Killua asked. He pulled his head back sharply. Gon's fingers trailed down to Killua's shoulder. Killua shrugged the hand off.

"You're saying you did this because of me?" Killua continued. Gon looked down at the wet sand between them, and nodded.

Killua tried not to picture Gon's rotting flesh, hanging off of his thin bones. He worked hard to push that memory far from his mind. He now saw the Gon standing in front of him now, taller and stronger, coated in a thick layer of darkness and malice. He shook his head, like a dog shaking off water, but the memories only buried deeper down inside.

Bending his head, and narrowing his eyes, Killua finally caught Gon's lowered eye-line. "This isn't a fucking game, Gon."

Gon bristled, visibly, as his shoulders curled up and his hands clenched into and out of fists. "I know it's not. I'm completely serious."

"We both could have fucking died back there, Gon, and then what are they going to tell my sister? Huh?!" Killua's voice rose as he lifted his hand. He pointed at Gon's chest. "What are they supposed to tell your Aunt Mito if something happens to you?!"

"I didn't....I had to do this alone, Killua. It was in a dream. You told me..." Gon said, leaning his chest into Killua's finger, until they were both using strength and willpower to hold the pose. It hurt like a bleeding wound to keep the words inside now, and Killua couldn't stop himself from shouting.

"I told you to try and kill yourself in a dream?!"

"No, you told me I needed to do this by myself. I needed to fix the problem by myself, so I could get my Nen back!"

"And getting your Nen back means hoping some bullshit nonsense from your dad about surviving an attack from two A-level rank bounties, and not getting splattered against the rocks so I have to find your ruined body, again?! You wanted to do that again, exactly the same thing that made you lose your Nen in the first place?! Idiot!"

Gon wept as he spoke bubbling, broken words in response.

"You said I wasn't strong enough! You said I can't be with you until I'm stronger, and I can't be strong until I get my Nen back!"

"I never said you weren't strong, Gon! What in the fuck are you even talking about?!"

Killua wasn't sure if it was sweat or tears, but his face stung, and Gon's face was streaked with wet proof of his sadness and anger. It hurt to look at Gon, right now, but everything Gon said made Killua more than hurt. It pulled at his spine and made him sick.

He kept picturing the charred, steaming blight on the ground in front of him.

He remembered Gon's charred and failing flesh as it pulled away from his love's fragile bones.

"You said you had to protect us. Me and Alluka. You said that, when I called that one night. And I knew then I had to get my Nen back. I had to, because I'm not a burden! I am not weak, Killua!"

Gon was not weak. The words didn't belong in the same story, let alone in the same sentence. Killua was weak. His blood pounded in his head, and he had been trying instinctively to summon his aura into his fingers and toes and skin, but it was gone.

He might as well have been naked before a storm. Vulnerable. Useless.

In the face of Gon's tears, Killua was useless.

Killua turned away. He pressed the heels of both hands into his eyes.

"I never said that," Killua mumbled.

"You did! You said you had to protect me," Gon continued, reining in the volume of his voice slightly. Killua could only hear that Gon's stepped closer. He shivered as the back of one of Gon's hands brushed against his arm.

Killua's fingers tightened. He tugged hard enough to feel his hair strain against his scalp.

"I know you had to leave to take care of Alluka, Killua. But, when you told me you liked me, I realized what I wanted, finally. But, I...I can't. You won't let....you don't..." Gon stumbled through the words. Killua growled, softly, as the hot and wet pressure built up behind his eyes and in his nose.

"If I can't get my Nen back, and I'm not strong enough to be with you, what difference does it even make if I live, or..."

The scream echoed over the sand and water, and shook the air between them. Killua moved so quickly even he couldn't see much beyond the blur of his pale flesh, and couldn't hear anything beyond the painful sound of his fist against Gon's cheek.

He must have been sobbing, then, because Killua's strike sent Gon flying backwards onto the sand, reaching a hand out that Killua's unused hand grabbed. Gon landed flat on his back, and Killua knelt over him. Tears splashed on Gon's face, mixing with the damp streaks and blood surrounding Gon's grimace.

Gon's warm voice swam up out of his memories.

_"But, isn't this good?"_

Killua grabbed both of Gon's shoulders, and picked him up. Gon's face quieted. Acceptance. Almost a nod.

Killua screamed again, wordlessly, and slammed Gon back against the sand. Gon grunted, in surprise as much as pain, and reached up to grip Killua's wrists with his hands.

Gon's hands tried to give his assent. Killua wanted to lift him again, and slam him, again and again and again.

"Prove it!" Killua shouted, leaning forward until his nose was inches from Gon's. "Prove you're not weak then! Or I'm going to knock you out and drag your stupid ass home right now!"

If Killua still had access to his Nen, this would be no contest at all. As it was, though, both of them had nothing more than the strength of their bodies, and the ferocity of their feelings.

Legs curled up under Killua, and Gon kicked up. Killua had barely enough presence of mind to jump up and back. Gon used the momentum in his legs to carry himself upright.

Killua had never stopped training, but he'd also softened ever so slightly in the years he'd stopped being a Hunter. Gon had never stopped training, but in the last few months he'd intensified the work in preparation for his mission.

Like a cannonball, dense and fast, Gon's body flew at Killua. Killua flung his body out of the way, landing poised on one bent knee.

Without a moment's hesitation, Gon pivoted on the sand with his fist and feet. He flew back towards Killua, and the loose and unsteady footing sent them both flying back against the ground. Killua fell prone as Gon straddled Killua's waist.

He threw one hand up, and then two, but Gon caught both of Killua's hands with his own. Killua pulled down, but Gon hung on, turning the conflict into a game of tug-of-war.

"What do I have to do?" Gon asked with a strained voice, as Killua's strength yanked him until he was bent in half, until their faces were almost touching.

"Do?"

"So you'll let me be with you, Killua? So that we can be a team again?" Gon curled his arms around Killua's hands,  
tears dripping from his face.

"I'm not...this isn't because you're weak..." Killua sputtered. "I just can't...it's just...I can't..."  
Gon's arms unfolded slowly, and he sat up.

"I apologized," Gon said, quietly but clearly, as his arms fell. "I know I messed up. I know I did. That's why I had to do this, and I had to do it alone."

Like Gon was peeling back the skin on Killua's hand, Gon rose off of him, and stepped back. Killua reached out, as if he could pull the invisible cord that should have bound them together, but Gon kept moving away. Gon looked him square in the face as he floated backwards.

"What can I do? What can I do?! I know I messed up. I had to do this. I'll do anything, Killua, just tell me. What can I do so that you'll believe I want to be with you?"

"Nothing," came out, because the immensity, the everything, had filled Killua’s head and pushed against the back of Killua's eyes.

Gon crumbled to the sand. He fell to his knees, and sobbed.

His everything told him, then, to get away from him. He didn't say it with words. His sobs, his open palm, shoved Killua away as if Gon had placed his hand against Killua's chest, and shoved.

Killua ran, then, and felt the crackle in his bones and blood stream, again, as his Nen came back to him. He ran as fast as he could, and then he ran even faster than that. He reached the ocean, and had no idea what would happen, but he plunged into the surf with all of his power and speed.

His legs carried him over the waves, like moving and dancing color, as he left everything behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, this chapter was without a doubt the most difficult thing I've written so far. This last month has been a mix of good, bad, neutral, and very bad. I'm still reeling from it all, but I'm glad I was able to write this chapter. I think it turned out....finished?! So I'm happy about that!
> 
> As always, I love to hear your feedback, good and bad. I got really discouraged about my writing in the last few months, so I want to make it clear how much I value each and every one of you who has said anything to me about enjoying my writing. It means more than I can possibly say with just text on a screen. <3
> 
> You can also see more of my writing on tumblr: murderxbaby.tumblr.com.


	10. Together

Once upon a time, Killua saw the boy who would change his life forever, and a great cavernous divide split his memories in two.

Before, when he was Killua Zoldyck, he faced his unwanted destiny by leaving everyone else behind to run.

After, when he stayed Killua Zoldyck, he faced his uncertain future by following the most interesting person he'd ever met to find the man that had left that person behind.

The deep, empty void between the two was where his true self lived. Looking down deep into the crevasse, between free will and duty. 

Duty to himself, to be strong and fast and never let anyone down. Duty to his loved ones. Realizing that he'd abandoned his dear sister Alluka to a miserable life, and he needed to right that wrong that as soon as possible. 

But, above all else, duty to Gon. Duty to the boy who saw him, and believed that he was just a normal boy. Not a weapon, and not a monster. Not made irredeemable by his family, his destiny, or his past actions. 

No, he made himself irredeemable on his own. He filled that cavernous gap himself, with his inaction and silence. His cursed, blood stained hope. 

He carved a path out of his mistake by building a life for Alluka. Alluka deserved everything good, and he worked tirelessly to provide it. 

And then, out of his mouth, he offered a clue. Spoke his desire aloud. It pointed hesitantly at the sunlight reflected on the surface of his heart. 

He received a response.

_"Killua, I love you."_

_Gon nearly died, again. Again, and again, and again._

_It was Killua's fault. Again. Again and again._

_Gon said he loved Killua. It made no sense. Killua's heart was fierce. It pounded bluntly, punishingly, over and over, as it questioned everything._

_Who am I?_

_I'm the one who failed you, Gon._

_Who are you?_

_You're the one who thought you saw me for who I truly am._

_Who are we?_

_Friends. Partners-at-arms. I got to accompany the most interesting, funny, impressive, wonderful person in the world, and what did you get in exchange?_

_Your own destruction._

_What did I get?_

_Your half-hearted apology. My half-hearted anger._

_My heart full of love._

_What do I have now?_

_Love, and anger. No place to put it. No place to go._

_We betrayed each other over, and over._

_I betrayed him by lying, and then by telling the truth._

_And Gon betrayed me by thinking his life meant nothing._

_Instead of everything._

\----

His exhaustion had two powerful hands. It gripped Killua's lungs. It tore them apart into two useless sacks. His feet began to sink into the ocean. In only moments he would plunge beneath the dark, roiling waves. The sun burned Killua's skin, and reflected off of the ocean into his eyes and eyelids and hair. He burned.

His toes jammed against the reef, and the arch of his foot was caught by a bouquet of razor sharp coral. Pain sliced open his feet, but it was welcome. It meant he had finally approached the island. Just in time, too, as his aura faded around him like a fog dissipating in the morning sun. With a leap off the stabbing surface of the reef, he dove into the water, and same the rest of the way to the black, stubbly shore.

Crying, body-shaking sobs, wracked with grief beyond measure, shook apart the gently warm air of the island. Killua's every muscle strained against the sound as if it were a headwind in a hurricane. He climbed with no clear idea of where he was going, but he knew he had to find something incredibly important here.

The creature did not cry like a human. The sounds were the low, heavy revving of an engine. The sound of ice cracking and sliding down a mountain. The sound of the earth heaving before a shift in tectonic plates.

Gon's sobs echoed in Killua's ears as he climbed. The sound he now heard, and the sound he imagined, made him forget what it felt like to hope.

Cresting the dark sand hill of the heaving, volcanic island, Killua saw the gold beast bent nearly in two. Its giant body barely moved as it sat curled into a ball, as if it needed to be as small as possible.

Pouring out of the dip in the island's landscape echoed the grief of the gray creature. A fortress of steel gray fur curved itself around the body of its golden companion. The head on its impossibly long neck swayed as if caught by the sulfuric breeze.

Killua could hardly breath. Not from fear for himself, but instead a swelling of his heart two or three times over with concern for the golden beast. As if the gray creature's mournful cry had taken hold of his heart with a grief-strengthened grip.

Familiar like waking up with a pounding headache. Pain with no source and no foreseeable end.

Looking at someone, another precious someone, and unable to do anything. Unable to do anything but scream.

As if suddenly sensing something, the golden beast stirred, the back rippling like a crashing tide. The wide, flat head tipped up, and giant eyes blinked.

He should have almost no ability to produce Nen left after the events of the day, and yet he now the chilly, shrouding sensation crawled along his skin.

More startling than that sensation was the sudden, crowding silence. Two golden eyes considered him with a distant, unfocused stare. The long, gray whip of a neck snapped towards him, its mouth closed, stopping its mournful cry.

What passed between the two creatures Killua understood now as if he'd driven at full speed past a blinking, brightly lit beacon.

Death. The golden beast was dying.

The silence shattered, then, as a different sound exploded from the valley below. A burning knife stabbed Killua in his gut as the golden beast's long, giant mouth opened, and it roared out a brain rattling hiss. It was but a miracle of his body's reflexes and training that kept him standing. His hands formed damp, sweat soaked fists as gripped his shorts. His back and chest sizzled. His aura began to grow within his body, exponentially, with nowhere to go except clinging to his skin and hair, saturating his muscles and bones with unchecked and unchanneled force.

The golden beast uncurled, then, as if Killua was north and its body the arrow in a compass. Whatever was happening, now, was happening to both of them. Its low belly made a heavy scraping noise against the ground while it moved away from the strong, long curl of its companions body. It moved up the slope towards Killua, leaving a slick, thick residue behind that resembled dark, congealed blood.

"No," Killua said. "No, this is only going to make everything worse."

His body felt worse, as the beast crept closer, moaning out its hissing, reptilian pain. Killua tried to step backwards, but he stumbled. The beast continued its approach. At the lowest point of the valley, the gray creature looked up, eyes piercing the sunshine, but making no sound.

When there was no more distance between Killua and the golden beast than the length of Killua's outstretched arm, the beast sighed, long and labored.

If he'd been someone else, his skin would have flayed into soaking wet and boiling pieces of meat. His knees would buckle as his lungs and heart caved in on themselves. The aura traveling through him was pure electricity, and he could bear it, but only just.

The beast clung to the slope of the black hill. Killua met its eye line now due to the angle. As if he could read the beast's mind, he now understood its intentions.

_There's too much. I took too much from that human boy. And if you don't stop it, my friend will die. That cannot..._

Killua braced himself as the beast's mouth opened wide enough to swallow him whole.

_I must give it to you. Let me die. Kill me._

"No, no. I can't. I can't do that."

_Let me die._

"But what about...." Killua started, looking down the hill at the beast's staring, stone-still companion. The golden beast's enigmatic face dropped the calm facade. The hiss became a growl. Killua nearly vomited as the stench and seasick feelings from the golden beast rode towards him on the roaring voice.

_It must be me. It must be me. I'll give it to you._

The golden beast was not dying. The golden beast was sacrificing itself. Killua sensed it now, how the two giants wrestled over the aura. The golden beast hold the sickening overflow of bubbling, acrid energy close to its body. The gray creature attempting, again and again, to wrench it away. The long neck uncurled, and leaned back, in a dizzying display. 

They were both struggling to ensure the other to survive them. Killua fell to his knees. He reached his arm out, and closed the gap. 

"You can't ask me to choose," Killua whispered. His hand found the beast's sharp, surprisingly chilled scales. 

The scales lifted up under his palm, as if they were shrugging up to meet his hand.

His touch completed the loop. His aura transformed as it grew inside his body. The sickness inside his stomach settled calm like the ocean after a storm. He allowed his eyelids to flutter closed. 

Everything the beast needed Killua to understand, to take, to inherit, now flowed between them.  
In the distance, a roaring sob filled the air again. 

\----

Who is Gon Freecss?

There were many who loved him intimately, some as family, most as friends. Some had known him from infancy. Some had only met him recently, but it did not take long for his sincerity, warmth, cunning and courage to endear him to them. Gon was deeply and profoundly loved.

_I want Gon to be my friend._

What was Gon Freecss's goal?

When Gon left his home on Whale Island, he told his Aunt Mito that he wanted to become a Hunter, because that would help him find his father. He wanted to discover what made being a Hunter more interesting to his father, Ging Freecss, than being with Gon would have been.

Gon would find his father, and it was then that Gon became lost.

_Who wants to have their whole life planned out for them?_

What did Gon Freecss do?

After finally talking to Ging for a long time, Ging told Gon something that was true. Life wasn't about the destination, it was about the journey. Gon had traveled to every corner of the globe. He'd traveled to destinations that weren't even on any map.

He had decided to make one more journey, before he was reborn. Some time before he finally met Ging. The destination would have been final. He would do it alone.

_When I say it doesn't hurt me, that means I can bear it._

What is Gon Freecss doing?

He thought he had figured it out. He would discover what it meant to be a Hunter. He would find his father. He would grow strong while he traveled the world. He would meet interesting people, and see interesting things.

Gon had more friends, and had seen more things than he'd ever imagined he would. 

He saw the outer limits of what he was capable of. He learned that he was capable of doing something even worse than ripping apart limbs and turning his back on his friend. 

_If I ignore a friend I have the ability to help, wouldn't I be betraying him?_

What does Gon Freecss want?

All he wanted was the boy that he'd discovered by accident. By happenstance and luck. They were the same age when they entered the Hunter's Exam together, and might never, ever have met, otherwise. What if he hadn't caught the King of the Lake? What if Killua hadn't one upped his family when he tried to escape from his family's mountain home? 

They'd discovered each other by chance, but they made a decision to stick together. 

And then Gon decided to leave on his own. 

He thought it would be doing them both a favor, anyway. If he wasn't strong enough, he didn't deserve to be by his side, anyway.

_I can’t keep both of you safe, you know?_

Why did Gon Freecss stop?

Because Killua told him there was nothing left that he could do. 

Because every choice he made ended in disaster. Because he'd wanted Killua to get mad, to finally and truly get mad at him for everything he'd done wrong. He needed Killua to get mad, and then to let Gon prove that he could take it. To prove that he could be with Killua. That they could be a team. Even if it took carrying all of Killua's anger heavy on his shoulders for the rest of their lives. 

Because the only thing he wanted ran away from him at the speed of light, racing across the ocean like inevitability. 

He was left with nothing but bruises on his body, and his hand pushing at the air, pushing away his mistakes, sending Killua flying away from him. 

He stopped. 

Until, that is, he realized the direction Killua ran. 

Gon saw Killua wet and perfect in front of him, reassuring him he could do it. That he had to do it. Even if he had to do it alone. 

So, Gon stood up, and started running, too. With nothing but his aching body and his beating heart. 

\---- 

It took at least an hour, based on the location of the sun in the sky as Gon approached the reef, to swim to the island. The seawater had dried his eyes into painfully dry balls of cotton, and every limb burned, but he breathed a sigh of relief when the dark, hunched back of the island came into view.

In a previous lifetime, Gon swam to the island's shore, unsure of what awaited him, but certain that he would find the answers here.

Right now, nothing was certain. Not even what he wanted to find here. But, he only had one question in mind.

"Is Killua safe?"

Sunshine fell hot and heavy across his wet shoulders. He found shallow ground with his booted feet, and stood, shaking water out of his hair like a dog. He stomped closer to shore, ignoring all the myriad new discomforts standing up revealed to him, until a sound so keening and loud pulled him up short. Gon threw his hands up over his ears. He blinked up against the bright, shining blue of the horizon. A long, craning neck and head silhouetted against the sky.

He did not think. Gon bolted forward, running as fast as he could through the shallows and onto the black sand shore.

Expecting to hear a great, angry roar, Gon pulled up fast, soaking his legs with filth as he nearly collapsed into the volcanic soil. He heard something, but it was unlike anything else he'd ever heard before.

Bone rattling sobs. A great, cresting river of sorrow flowed through the air, nearly drowning Gon in its current.

Something terrible made the creature cry out. Something heavy with finality. Gon shook his head. He was too familiar with that finality, but if he let it weigh him down he'd get nowhere. He kept climbing.

At the top of the hill, he could see the volcano looming heavenward, and out of the corner of his eye he saw the long, swaying neck of the gray creature. He'd spent at least a week on this island before Killua had appeared like a bolt out of the blue, and he'd grown intimately familiar with the creature's habits. And yet, he recognized nothing about this behavior.

He did not recognize, either, the large, shuddering boulder of a beast curled up in a low dip in the island's landscape, but did immediately recognize the bright cloud of white hair, the long, slender limbs curled tight like a knot.

Killua's name was ready to leap off of Gon's tongue, but the pale outline of Killua snapped open as he were spring loaded.

"Gon!" Killua shouted. Gon's heart tore in half.

Was he wanted? Or was Killua angry he'd come?

The golden beast uncurled alongside Killua. Gon realized that Killua's hand rested on the beast's heaving flank. Killua scrambled to make room. The beast's head lifted, and its eyes met Gon's.

_You. It's you. We need you. We need you._

Along side giant, probing eyes, Killua's intensely blue eyes pleaded for him, too.

He couldn't possibly move any faster. Gon scrambled, nearly tumbling head over foot, as he careened down the slope. Black dust coated his cheeks and forehead as he choked on his own kicked up debris.

Standing meters away, the golden beast had watched Gon clamber down the hill. As if just that had been too much to bear, the beast huffed out an exhausted breath, closed its eyes, and laid its head on the ground.

Killua looked at Gon, but within moments of Gon stopping, he too closed his eyes, and collapsed. His head fell forward to rest against the beast's side. Killua's palms pressed flat and firm against the beast's scales.

"Killua," Gon said. There was no response. Killua's frame looked delicate and small next to the beast. Gon worried that a wrong move would shatter him like a teacup.

_We need you. Come closer. We need you._

The words traveled to into his mind without sound, but they made his chest and lungs vibrate. He nearly coughed as the irritation from the black cloud entered his nose and mouth. Gon stepped closer, and waited, and closer again.

Gon could not produce his own aura, but as he walked closer, his finely honed senses understood that something momentous grew and moved between the beast and Killua.

For days and days prior to his conflict with the beast, and with Killua, Gon had watched the two beings who called this stark and nearly empty island their home. The gray creature left frequently throughout the day, plunging into the ocean, and swimming away with grace, as if the water was truly its home. The golden beast would wait, attending to a dark nest deep in the scalding heat of the volcano's base.

No matter where that towering gray creature traveled, the golden companion would watch the horizon for its inevitable return. No matter how far the gray creature journeyed, it would race back to the island at the faintest hint something had gone wrong.

As it did when Gon finally revealed himself, and stood waiting for the confrontation, finally ready to ask for them to judge him worthy of either a new life.

Or judge him unworthy of any life at all.

Yet, as Killua lay with the golden beast, and the gray creature's cries tore apart the wind and the sounds of the crashing waves, Gon did not understand.

If Killua was an intruder into the gray creature's territory, it was only by direct invitation of the golden beast. Killua was disrupting the balance. Gon knew to step forward would risk everything tilting dangerous, fatally off kilter.

He heard a voice in his head, again, but this...

_"Gon, help..."_

Gon kicked up clouds of dust as he sprinted forward at the starter pistol blast of the sound of Killua's voice. He stopped meters from the giant being, and watched the long neck of the gray creature swaying to and fro in the corner of his vision.

"Killua," Gon breathed, kneeling beside his friend. Killua's eyes remained closed. "I'm sorry I took so..."

He began to reach one hand towards Killua's, but Killua's breath left his mouth in a sibilant hiss, and he shook his head intensely enough to tip his shoulders back and forth.

"You'll die," Killua said, his voice a mixture of dried, black blood and shards of glass. Gon grunted, and stopped his hands. He slowly pulled his hands back until he could scrub his palms over the fabric of his thighs. They shook even when he pressed them hard against his legs.

"What can I do to help?" Gon asked. Killua's eyelids slid open.

"I don't know..." Killua admitted. "She was the one calling for you, so I lent her my voice."

"'She?'" Gon repeated. Killua nodded. Gon's mind started spinning in place, pieces of his memory snapping together like puzzle pieces.

"That's it, isn't it? She's...they're going to..." Gon said, nodding towards golden beast's head, laying still against the ground, and the over towards the base of the volcano, where the next was located.

Killua sighed, ragged and for so long he had to close his eyes.

"There's a clutch of eggs. And, whatever happened yesterday is going to kill them." Deep in his chest, stillness. Gon worried his heart had actually stopped.

"No."

Killua laid against the beast. They both took deep breaths, deep enough to lift Killua up with the shiny scales. Gon's breath filled his chest in shallow, heated bursts.

The success of Gon's journey hinged on his knowledge of these beings. He knew that they were prized. Rare and dangerous because they had unique, incredible ability to interact with a human's Nen capabilities.

The gray creature, hovering at the far edge of Gon's vision like deja vu, could absorb and redirect aura. Not simply the aura someone could produce, but the very capacity to produce it at all.

But, the gray creature could not use the aura. The creature had plenty of other ways to defend itself against intrusion into their island home. A monstrously large body and fiery breath counted for a lot.

And, it could take away Nen. Leave the user empty and dried out, a husk in bone baking heat.

But, all of that Nen had to go somewhere. It needed an outlet. Someway to be safely dispersed.

The golden beast's pained gasp rolled through the air like distant thunder. Killua's pained moan echoed her.

"No, you can't..." Gon started. Killua interrupted him with a cough, and a loud grunt of disagreement.

"It's too late," Killua rasped. "This is our mess, so I'm gonna clean it up."

Gon stumbled to his feet, anger and frustration spring loading his legs.

"You? That's what you...that's why you ran away, Killua," Gon said, evenly, forcing himself to try and sound calm. Killua recoiled as if Gon had shouted. He curled up tight against the giant belly, pulling his knees into his chest. Gon turned away. He started walking towards the gray creature hovering over the three of them.

A long, dark silhouette spilled on the ground, making it impossibly darker. Gon tilted his head up, squinting into the sun as he moved into the creature's shadow.

"Are you okay with this?" Gon asked. "They're your clutch too, right?"

Gon couldn't look directly into the creature's eyes, but neither could the creature look directly at him. The long neck bent and twisted like a ribbon twirling in the breeze. The giant mouth opened. What blasted out sounded like a forest fire sucking in oxygen and roaring with destructive force.

_No. Not okay. But there's nothing she will let me do._

"Let you do?" Gon replied. Killua cleared his throat, and started speaking in response to Gon.

"He could take it from her, Gon, just like what I'm doing," Killua explained. The grey creature's neck snapped upright, clearly understanding, and the golden beast bellowed, clearly trying to obscure Killua's words.

It made sense. That was exactly how it worked, as far as Gon understood. The grey creature could remove aura, and displace it. The golden beast stored and emitted aura, enough to topple mountains.

"But.." Killua continued. Talking seemed to empty him of all of his wind, and will power, so each word left his mouth slowly, and painfully. "...if he does that...he'll die..."

_Let me!_

_No!_

Both of the giants cried out at once, with words that were not spoken, yet rattled Gon's teeth, and shook his brain inside of his skull like his head had be crushed between two brass cymbals. He gripped the hair on his head, the painful feeling of tugging until the roots threatened to give allowing him to focus.

"But, if Killua does it..." Gon shouts. His knees nearly buckle as he spins back to face the two beings curled up in agony on the sand. "If you do it, Killua, what the hell happens to you?!"

Killua shakes his head, and opens his mouth. His skin is not the pale pink of a seashell, but pallid and dry. His mouth rasps with dehydration.

"I'll live, but my Nen...won't...anymore..."

_I'll use it all._

Gon did not hear the voice, but it echoed in his mind. Traveling from his past. His own words, in a voice familiar, and wrong.

"No," Gon said. "Killua, no!"

But it was too late. It spent the last of Killua's energy. Killua folded over against the beast's shining scales, closing his eyes as consciousness drained from his body.

Panic raced through all of Gon's limbs. He returned to Killua's side as quickly as he could move. It did not cross his mind to hesitate to reach for Killua now, holding one of Killua's hands, placing his other hand against Killua's quiet, barely moving back. 

_No_

_Gon, you can't..._

Gon did. He held Killua's hand, with all of his willpower, as an entanglement of energy erased the boundaries between their hearts, just for a moment. Just for a moment, the universe collapsed in on Gon, and Killua. The space between them disappeared like a black hole absorbing everything, light and matter and even time, itself. 

Their time together, and their time apart, became one time, one moment, a shared moment that they would never be able to precisely recall again.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Frozen in place. Prey pierced by a predatory gaze. He stood still and shook with the thirsty need to run, run, run. 

A hunter. A Hunter. Gon could seek, and he had been sought, by the malicious and by the concerned. 

Never had he been forced into stillness, torn in half by conflicting motivations. Even staying in place, forcing his breath to quiet, was action. A choice he had made. His wants and his needs had never, ever battled within him as they did now. 

Frozen by something sort of like fear, but deeper. Easier. More comfortable. Instinctive. 

Shaking all over with desire, anxious, desperate longing. Just out of reach. Brushing against his fingertips.

His own face. Gon saw his own smile. He saw his skin and somehow didn't cringe like he sometimes did looking into the mirror at home. Long features, and strange to consider, and desperately beautiful. 

The fear was his own. The desires were his own. Or, at least, he was now borrowing them. Wearing them on his feet like a used pair of boots. He learned how heavy these feelings were. How soft and hard. How weak and strong. 

He couldn't just go where he wanted to go. He couldn't just take what he wanted to take.

Pathways carved deeply into the ground, ruts overgrown with weeds, self-doubt fed and watered by years of storytelling.

A story where he would never be the hero. He would always be the villain. He would always be alone. He would always be in pain. 

Except for the things he loved. 

A kind, smart, beautiful sister.

The sensation of running faster than sound, faster than anyone or anything.

A warm satisfaction like morning light filtering in through half closed blinds as he remembered how he felt about all of his friends. 

And then...

His first friend. His best friend. 

Gon.

Love. 

When Gon came to, and found Killua curled against his chest, he sobbed.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Things were much, much quieter than Killua would ever have imagined they could be. Even quieter than his own footsteps. 

Not the absence of sounds. Bird song filled the air. Water flowed over rocks softened into sand by friction and time. Life sounded musical, rich and full, but only because there was so much silence for it to fill. 

Never enough. It would never be enough.

He knew he could fill his days with excitement by trying his very hardest. Over and over. Running, jumping, swimming, fishing, fighting, chasing. Hunting.

Over and over. 

But, late at night, he knew it was never enough. No one would stay. He had never been enough. Could never be enough. 

He'd thrown it all away. It was his fault, and he'd thrown it all away.

He'd been thrown away. 

All the potential he might ever possess sacrificed. 

His future left unclaimed, and unwritten. Floating ahead of him. He couldn't visualize anything he wanted, until...

Two big, blue eyes. Two strong, graceful hands. Soft, bright white hair. His name, surprising himself and the speaker, whispered in a shock of breath. 

Laughter until his ribs hurt. Smiles so wide his face never felt exactly right doing anything else. 

One night in the distant past, he dreamt up something amazing. A partnership. Just you and me, traveling the world. Seeing everything together. Doing everything together.

Killua realized this sensation. The longing, hot and deep, startled him as much as it compelled him. He knew what it meant to have his breath taken away, for the first time.

Maybe, just maybe, if he did everything right. Made one last, desperate sacrifice. 

It would finally do enough.

He could finally be enough. 

Be enough for Killua. 

Tear drops, fat and hot, dripped onto Killua's cheeks. He looked up into Gon's face, eyes closed tight to try, and fail, to stem the flow of tears. 

Killua tried to say "I'm sorry," but it came out as "I love you." 

And then, even though it was high noon, the sun rose before Killua's eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, things just need to be written. And unedited. And posted at 4am. 
> 
> You'll also note this isn't the last chapter. This turned into an effing unmanageable beast, so another chapter must be written.
> 
> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Thank you for your patience.
> 
> This story is almost done. It has meant more than I can say to work on. I hope you enjoy it, at least a little, and if you do, please let me know. 
> 
>  
> 
> [murderxbaby.tumblr.com](http://murderxbaby.tumblr.com)


	11. Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [SoftKillua](http://archiveofourown.org/users/softkilluas99/pseuds/softkilluas99) is probably the only reason this chapter got finished, so you can thank him for that. Thanks for being the best beta, and one of my best friends <3

Gon understood. He laughed. He rubbed his face against his shoulder to wipe away the tears.

"Killua," Gon said.

Killua uncurled. The way Gon said his name dusted his cheeks with crimson. When Killua saw Gon's smile, and golden, shimmering eyes, he stuttered.

"Gon?"

Gon pulled Killua close. He squeezed him so tight it almost hurt. They had both collapsed against the golden beast's side. Somehow, despite everything he'd just experienced, Killua had managed to keep his hand pressed firmly to the shining scales. Before he realized he was doing it, Killua shifted. He began pulling his hand away from Gon, and the beast.

"Wait," Gon said. He covered Killua's hand with his own to stop it. Gently, with his other hand, Gon held Killua's face. He ran his thumb softly over the flushed peaks and valleys of Killua's cheeks.

Killua couldn't speak. Gon brought his face close to Killua's. He touched his forehead to Killua's. A long, soft sigh met him. They both moved. They both knew exactly what they wanted.

They kissed. They both remembered they knew how the other liked to be kissed, and they smiled into each other's mouths.

"Killua," Gon finally said, interrupting the kiss. Killua looked confused, but nodded. Their smiles dropped. The grim situation remained. Killua pressed his hand against the golden beast's side, determined that nothing would move his hand again.

"What are you going to do?" Killua asked.

"I'm not exactly sure," Gon said, with a confident smile. Killua had to laugh.

"I don't know what will happen if you let go," Killua said. Gon nodded.

"Doesn't matter what happens to me," Gon said.

"Gon!"

Killua didn't bother to hide his worry. Gon dropped his smile.

"I'm sorry, Killua. I didn't mean that," Gon said. Killua closed his eyes, nodded, and opened them again.

"Trust me, okay?" Gon asked. And then, he let go.

The pain swelled against Gon's bones. He cried out, and bit the cry off, gulping the pain down like it was a bitter drink. Killua's soft, sympathetic moan was what made his stomach teeter back and forth.

Gon did not have to move far to reach the long, tree-trunk legs of the gray creature. Claws the length and width of Gon's torso dug into the black earth. Gon might survive if the creature lifted one leg, and crushed him underfoot like a bug, but it'd be as likely as seeing heads when flipping a coin.

The creature stood as still as a tree. Gon only knew what he hoped would happen. He had no idea if his theory was correct.

Gon pressed both of his hands across the rough leather surface of the creature's skin.

The pain had been extraordinary, but bearable. Now, Gon's knees bent, and he crumpled like tissue paper.

"Gon!" Killua yelled.

It was tempting to lie, and say everything was okay, but it wasn't. His blood boiled, and blisters threatened to burst from his skin.

The pain did not stay still. It rolled through Gon's body like a millstone over grain. Crushing and grinding, it traveled from his core into the muscles of his shoulders and arms, and dug its way out through the palms of his hands.

His hands were so small against the skin of the gray creature, but the pain that now connected them was so immense that even the giant began collapse. Joints buckled, and the long neck whipped towards the ground.

Gon saw the giant eye approach, until it was within arm's reach of his body. Instinct commanded Gon to throw his hands up protectively, but the ache forced his hands to stay firmly rooted.

A question. The eye blinked once, slowly, and narrowed. The question echoed in Gon's head, words clattering together like the sudden chattering of his jaw.

_Are you giving me all?_

Gon tried to speak clearly, and loudly, but succeeded only at mumbling out jittery, shaking words.

"It's not mine. I'm just sharing it with you."

Resistance from the gray creature bore its way into Gon's brain, and shattered his focus. The limitations of Gon's body eroded under a flood of sensations, and blending together with those within the gray creature.

_Little one, are you sure?_

With all the energy he could spare, Gon turned his head. He saw Killua's bright white hair, and visibly frail back curved against the golden beast. Killua's eyes held tightly closed, and he wheezed, his mouth a half-moon of pain. Gon tucked his chin towards his neck.

"Yes, please. Do it."

The gray creature moved. The head lifted, and the neck stretched. As the creature lifted onto its tip-toes, it made itself taller and longer.

With a soft exhalation, the gray creature's snout gently lowered until it was only a few feet from the golden beast's side. The golden beast softly pleaded, and the gray creature huffed out a patient reply.

The golden beast lowered their head. The gray creature's head pressed forward.

Wind picked up, more and more, until a typhoon of energy swirled around them. Aura moved over Gon's skin like droplets of rain, it burned like acid, it attempted to suffocate him, and then attempted to fill his lungs and brain until he staggered with dizziness.

The creature and beast touched each other. Gon realized, in a gasp of insight, that they had not touched each other since the clutch was conceived.

_Little one, is your decision made?_

Gon nodded. He shouted.

"Just save Killua!"

Killua lifted his head up, despite the buffeting winds.

"Gon?!" Killua rasped.

The golden beast shrugged, scales sliding against each other. Killua's body sloughed to the ground like a dead leaf.

The gray creature touched the golden beast. Gon's vision blackened like char as his eyes failed him, and his sight traveled far away from this place.

\----

The two of them might simply have stayed mute animals if they had never met one another. It had been many, many years before, as they came from a land very far away, where animals live many times longer than humans, when they had discovered each other in an unlikely time and place.

Neither could remember the first time, because what became most important is what they would build together.

With their power, they could survive any encounter, and defend each other from harm.

With their power, they grew much older than any others of their kind.

With their power, they could speak to humans, the few who were brave and foolhardy enough to seek them out in their remote homes.

With their power, they recognized that humans who sought them out were also surrounded by the same flow of power.

Humans discovered that unpredictable things happened to that power. Humans, they discovered, craved instability. They seemed fueled by change.

The beast and the creature created stability with their powers. Any attempt by others to destabilize them ended in disaster for the outsider.

The instability that rocked them came from within.

It was a natural part of the beast's life cycle. It would have happened long ago had life taken a more typical course.

_Soon, I will lay eggs._

After many slow beats.

_How?_

There was no how. It was simply the way of it. A clutch of eggs would be laid.

_What will happen to you?_

_I will die._

For the first time, the grey creature did not just leave to hunt, or fish. The grey creature left for days and days.

The golden beast prepared a nest, and prepared to face it all alone. The grief filled the skies as energy and sound stirred the sky like a storm front.

Many weeks later, the creature returned. The beast could tell something had changed.

_I met a human who offered his help._

That human would send another one to them. That human would need something that only they could provide, and, in turn, the human might help the golden beast avoid this inborn fate.

When Gon arrived, the plan unfolded as anticipated, and then, Killua arrived as well.

But, now, Gon understood.

No one would die. Not today.

\----

The last time Killua came this close to death, he lay in a puddle of his own warm, dripping life as his blood poured out of him.

Instead of blood, Killua's aura now gushed out of his skin. Sand jumped and danced around him as electrified discharge imbued each particle with a piece of Killua's life. Killua opened his eyes with slow, painful blinks.

In his throat, the words vibrated. Their echo rang again and again in his ears. The words had left him before he could stop them, because they weren't really just his, anymore.

He loved Gon, and it was no longer his secret to keep.

Warmth from Gon's kiss lingered on Killua's lips. He dreaded what he would see, but also knew that he had never managed to look anywhere else for very long. Killua lifted his head, ignoring the shock of pain as he did.

Between the giant bodies, Gon looked very small. Killua lay near their feet, looking up at them. Gon stretched his arms wide between the gray creature and the golden beast. His wide back and shoulders heaved with effort unseen. The years of focused concentration and training that catapulted Gon into the realm of an expert Nen user twice strained near to its breaking point.

Killua didn't even need to concentrate to see the aura moving in a tumultuous swirl between the three of them.

The storming aura made Killua's skin erupt in goosebumps. His breath waited, heavy in his chest. His aura had been bound up with the aura of the golden beast. Whatever process Gon's actions interacted with the aura Killua carried next to his skin. It felt hot and ephemeral like a fever.

Slowly, with unexplained intention, the gray creature lowered its immense heft. It wound its long tail around the assembled. Its strength pressed against Killua's back, propping him upright like an infant.

"Ah!" Gon exclaimed, with satisfaction, like something he'd awaited finally came to pass.

Killua strained to keep his eyes open to watch Gon, but it became impossible. The immense power he'd been asked to carry drained out of him, until it left him limp and wrung out like a rag. If it weren't for the creature's tail behind him, he'd fall back into unconsciousness.

A rush of wind passing through the electrified air thundered in Killua's ears. The golden beast's voice vibrated through his body.

_You brought him here. He said he will save us both._

The cool rush of a breeze on a sweltering day soothed Killua's fevered skin. The shivering, all over tingle of iced water gulped down when exhausted flooded his belly. These would be the beast's final words, and no gratitude that he'd ever been gifted would ever match up.

"You're thanking me?" Killua asked.

A deep, booming sound followed. Killua looked up to the towering gray creature's craning neck. The gigantic mouth growled softly, but still enough to set Killua's teeth on edge.

_We will lose some of our gifts, but we will stay together. It is because of you two._

Contentment like the warmth of stepping in from the cold blanketed Killua then. He saw Gon's body shift at the same time. He looked again at Gon's panting, shaking body. Gon smiled, a little bit, and looked back at him.

Gon's voice cracked. A red blood drop trickled from the corner of Gon's lips.

"You're all going to be okay, Killua."

Killua could not scream, but his rasp still sounded furious.

"What do you think you're doing?!"

Gon took a deep breath. His arms, still stretched between the two beings, extended farther still. The swirling tumult started to slow. He looked at Killua defiantly.

With a wordless grunt of intense strain, Gon pulled his arms to his sides. He fell to his knees.

Killua tipped forward. He held out both arms. Gon slid into Killua's embrace.

Everything, for that bright moment, glowed in Killua's memory. His anger fizzled into relief. His aura chilled to his skin, no longer escaping his in torrents.

Gon sighed.

"I'm saying sorry."

The last thing Killua did before darkness swallowed him was laugh.

"Idiot."

\----

A jolt jerked Killua awake, like those late nights when sleep teased his senses before he fell through a hole in the path. He shouted, and sat up.

He was lost immediately in an endless expanse of sea and sky. It stretched out around him in every direction until he was dizzy looking at it.

Killua discovered the warm, familiar shapes of Gon's chest and arms kept him from floating away into the blue everything.

"Oh, Killua?" Gon whispered, mouth near Killua's ear.

Clouds raced to keep up on either side of them. Chilled air whistled past his ears, but Gon's breath was soft and warm. 

"Gon?" Killua asked. He turned his head, dizziness swirling behind his eyes. He couldn't figure out where he was. Gon said nothing, and released his gentle grip, letting Killua free to make his own discoveries. 

Killua set his arms down to brace himself. He realized, then, it wasn't where he was, but who he was with.

Gon gave a pleased laugh, as he'd realized that Killua realized it before Killua had even opened his mouth.

"When he offered us a ride, I couldn't turn him down," Gon said. 

Rolling thunder nearly knocked Killua back, shaking the bright blue sky. Killua recognized the gray creature's gigantic voice. He had to grip long, rough spun strands of thick fur to stop from tipping over. Underneath, the creature swam with gentle movements, too large to be fussed by the waves spraying against his side. 

Killua looked back and forth, and then spun around. He saw the giant tree trunk neck. He saw seabirds swoop over their heads, and touched his cheek to find the blooming heat from a sunburn. 

The fur scrubbed the backs of his legs in itchy patches. His stomach tilted with every slow lurch of the creature's huge body.

A mystery grew in his head. A swirling haze of affection. A tender, hopeful emotion he couldn't quite recognize, because it was directed at himself.

Killua turned to Gon, sitting by quietly as Killua came back fully into his own body.

There was a moment's hesitation, while Killua's breath tried to choke him, but then Gon's smile unfolded, as warmly as the sunlight overhead.

Maybe this was the first time Killua had ever really seen Gon.

Maybe this really was the first time Killua saw that tiny flicker of uncertainty behind eyes he'd always looked to with the same kind of trust he placed in the sun rising from the east. A question about, of all laughable things, what Killua thought of him.

Uncertainty, like a word he couldn't remember, balanced on the tip of Killua's tongue, echoing within him.

It was not the first time he saw the shape of Gon's face, and how it looked sharp and soft, all at once. Strong and sweet, his skin a luscious, absorbing color. It was not the first time he wanted, desperately, to touch Gon's cheek. To run his fingers over bones and skin, and pink lips. To feel Gon's eyelashes flutter, and to maybe see him blush, a little.

It was the first time Killua didn't just desire Gon. It was the first time he saw that desire reflected, and then magnified, in Gon's eyes.

He heard the words unspoken in his head, moment's before Gon said anything.

"Please, Killua."

Killua's fingertips satisfied their craving, brushing over skin he'd only begun to learn how to enjoy. The sensation swarmed. It was very quickly not enough.

His desire no longer sat lonely, and its companion egged him on.

His fingers traveled, and tugged, pulling on Gon's thick hair. His lips pressed, softly at first, and then with firm purpose.

Gon hesitated. Inhaled. An intake of hot, thrilled air. Gon kissed Killua back, and black char lined Killua's stomach as Gon's breathed desire into him. Grew within him. Burned like his oxygen, and Gon's fuel, met the lit match of their mouths.

It doubled in size. Suddenly they were soaked in it, every feeling doubling and twisting into unfamiliar shapes.

They pushed their bodies as close together as they could. It was there, with their skin and chests pressed together, Gon on his knees, Killua curled up, tugging Gon towards him, that Killua realized.

Static electricity struck between them, startling them both into parting, Killua with a muffled curse, and Gon with a gasp. They looked at each other, both mussed, and flushed. They giggled

They felt sparks.

"My aura," Killua said. It jumped between them. Sparks of electric blue. Gon held up one hand, very close to Killua's arm. The sparks erupted from Gon's skin, and hopped to Killua's, and then back again.

Relief caressed Killua's skin like a soft breeze. He breathed so deeply he watched his own chest rise and fall.

The relief was not his own.

"Thank God," Gon said. His hands had dropped to his side. Gon sat back on his knees, putting distance between himself and Killua. Killua instantly wanted to press in close again, but the confusing swirl of feelings inside stopped him.

Gon looked down. "We weren't sure it would work. But, maybe it did."

A bass rumble shook Killua's bones. He covered both ears with his hands, as Gon did the same. Gon smiled at him, though.

There were no words, but the sound seemed to signal the gray creature's agreement.

Relief morphed into happiness, a red rubber ball in Killua's chest that he caught when Gon's smile tossed it to him.

Killua stopped trying to discover where his feelings ended, and Gon's began. He wondered if the connection traveled both directions.

"But what about you?" Killua asked. He reached one hand out for Gon's face.

Gon's face was warm, and every so slightly coarse with the scratch of his beard growing in. Gon's smile changed. Killua's breath moved quicker, pushed out of his suddenly shy lungs. He didn't want to stop. He cupped Gon's face with both hands.

"I..." Gon said. "I needed to use it all."

A pinpoint sized black hole was born in Killua's stomach. The blood in his face drained away, his hope sizzled into vapor in the newly born vacuum in his body.

Faster than memories, or words, Killua flew backwards in time to that terrible night, years ago.

Blood, bones, a wash of thick, stinking blue.

Killua understood fear, before that night. Or, so he'd thought. He'd understood sadness, and loss.

Before that night, Killua thought he'd understood hopelessness.

_"Don't go where I can't follow, Gon."_

Lost in his own memories, Killua did not truly understand helplessness until heavy tar coated his lungs. Wetness crawled over his fingers.

"Killua?"

Killua blinked.

"Killua, I'm...I can't stop crying."

Gon's eyes brimmed with hot tears.

"It's my fault," Killua said.

Gon gently pried Killua's fingers away from his face.

"No, it's not," Gon replied.

Gon's shame. Killua's guilt. Gon slipped the fingers of Killua's hands into one of his own. He brushed his other hand over Killua's face. His fingertips gently worried Killua's curls.

Killua's lips parted wordlessly.

"It's your feelings, but they're my fault, Killua."

"No, Gon, you..."

Gon pulled Killua into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around Killua's back, and curled his fingers through Killua's white hair.

Gon spoke his apology into Killua's temple, words more a caress than a sound.

"I'm sorry, Killua."

The shaking started in Killua's back. Quivering, as Killua gulped down air, and readied his body to protect a breaking heart.

"I'm so sorry. I never really apologized, not really, and now I know..."

Words got lost as they were battered by the wind, and drowned out by crashing waves.

Killua's tears soaked Gon's shoulder and neck. Killua gripped the back of Gon, yanking helplessly on Gon's shirt, finally reaching up and under just to feel something warm.

Gon wanted to cry, but he waited quietly. He absorbed every choking sob. He sat still, and breathed evenly. He didn't run.

If you want to understand someone, you learn what makes them angry.

If you want to love someone, you learn how to hold them while they cry.

\----

The creature took them as far as an island on the southern most tip of the mainland. From there, it would be an easy swim back towards civilization.

The creature couldn't speak to them in the fashion that they'd both experienced before. However, watching the huge being grumble with pleasure and with sadness, before tipping its huge head down so Gon could wrap his arms around the creature's face, Killua knew exactly what was said.

Gratitude and apologies. Enough for many life times.

The creature seemed almost to nod at Killua, from afar, and Killua managed awkwardly to return the nod. The creature turned away, then, beginning its journey back home.

Gon watched the creature until its silhouette disappeared into the long horizon.

Killua watched Gon.

As the creature slipped away from sight, the sun sank lower. Shadows from the surrounding jungle stretched over them like grasping fingers.

"Gon?" Killua asked. Gon's head popped back, like he was startled. Killua frowned. "Should we go?"

"Oh, uh, yeah, sorry," Gon said. He turned towards Killua, his face shadowed into mystery by the setting sun behind him.

"Why are you sorry?" Killua asked, even if his gut wriggled with what was probably the answer.

"I just got distracted, because..."

Gon trailed off. He placed a hand over his stomach as if he was in pain. Killua unconsciously mirrored the gesture.

"I think I'm feeling it all...all your feelings, and mine."

"Yeah," Killua said. His voice narrowed. "Same with me."

Wind gently swirled around them. Killua stepped closer, until he was only a hand's width from Gon's body. He could make out Gon's brown eyes, and furrowed brow.

"Is that okay?"

Gon didn't answer. He watched Gon's hands twist his shirt's fabric between his fingers.

"It doesn't feel bad," Gon said. "It just feels like a lot."

"Yeah," Killua agreed. "I agree."

Both of them were lying, or lying's closest relative, where the entirety of the truth is set aside. Killua noticed a chunky, floating feeling. Gon's chest tightened like it was trying to swell shut. Their eyes met.

Gon smiled a little. It didn't quite reach his eyes. Killua smiled back, as wide as he could possibly manage.

"Well, I guess it's time to get moving," Killua suggested. Gon nodded. He started walking, and didn't bother to hide his grimace.

"I'm not sure how fast I can go, especially without my Nen," Gon said. He said it without tripping over any of the words. The painful tension in Killua's belly let him know how hard it was for Gon to do.

"I'm not much better off, dude," Killua said. Admitting it did hurt, and he hoped Gon knew it. "I'm completely drained. I won't be myself again for a few weeks, at least."

"Oh, I suppose," Gon said. He started to say "I'm sorry," but Killua reached with both hands. He grabbed Gon's hands.

"Hey, stop it. No more of that, okay?"

When Gon's hands rested in Killua's, the both stood up straighter. Breathing got a little easier.

When they looked in each other's eyes, the smile was more genuine.

Gon nodded. "Okay."

Killua gently squeezed one of Gon's hands before letting go, and as he did, Gon squeezed the other hand tight.

"Can we go back together?" Gon asked.

Killua's mouth went dry. He nodded. They started walking together, their hands anchors for the other's drifting heart.

\----

The island nation's inhabitants mostly lived along the shores of the northern coasts, thick with good fishing and freshwater springs. The creature avoided contact with humans at all cost, so the southern tip of the island chain was where Killua and Gon found themselves.

The jungles were dense. Vines the thickness of human legs swung down from trees so wide you could look at the center of them and see their sides. Eyes of razor tooth predators, and fearful, impossibly venomous prey, watched every step at every moment of the day.

If it weren't for Gon's incredible senses, honed his entire life on his own island home, the wrong turns would have far outweighed the right ones, leaving them lost for days or even weeks.

If it weren't for Killua's sharp reflexes, they would have stumbled down impossibly sheer cliff sides, or risked dismemberment from ravenous beasts and falling branches.

Neither of them would have had any trouble with the journey when they were young. Gon said as much, and Killua didn't even bother to agree. He just grabbed Gon's hand again to center himself as the swirl of emotions made him dizzy.

They had to take frequent breaks, either during the afternoon downpour that rendered Gon's amazing nose worthless, or when one of them knew they could no longer pretend not to need the break.

"Some Hunters we are," Killua said, ducking under a huge leaf Gon held like a makeshift umbrella.

"At least you still have Nen," Gon said. Awkward, nauseating silence followed, and then Gon's apology.

"Stop," Killua insisted. He placed his hand over the hand that Gon held the leaf's stem with. "You don't have to apologize."

"But, it's not fair for me to complain about it to you," Gon said. "It's not your fault."

Killua squeezed Gon's hand. It made him braver. He lifted his hand, and bit his thumbnail between his front teeth. He sighed around his hand.

"I've always known it's really my fault," Killua whispered. The pattering rain on the leaf would have drowned out his words, except this was Gon.

"Your fault?" Gon asked. He lifted the leaf higher so he could step closer. "What do you mean, Killua?"

Killua curled his thumbnail into his fist before dropping it to his side. He looked at the ground, and watched the muddy streams break away and around his filthy shoes.

"I'm supposed to clean up after you. You said so yourself."

The jungle, even in the midst of a downpour, steamed with heat. Killua's body chilled like ice water flowed through his veins instead of blood.

Fingers swept Killua's hair gently away from his eyes, as Gon twisted to meet Killua's gaze.

"I was just a kid, then," Gon said. "You weren't responsible for anything I did. Then, or now."

Killua felt in his gut that Gon was not lying. 

"You don't think I think you're good enough," Killua said. Gon's fingers had been carefully tucking Killua's wet bangs back, sweeping trails of affection across his skin. He stopped as Killua spoke. 

"I'm not good enough."

Gon still was not lying. Killua did not know how to respond. Gon cupped Killua's cheek with his hand. 

"No one is good enough for you, Killua."

Over-expanding heat pumped the blood out of Killua's heart at dizzying speed. This blunt, painful truth would be apparent to Killua even without this new, deeper connection.

"Idiot," Killua hissed. Gon just smiled. His thumb brushed over the ridge of Killua's eyebrow. 

Killua reached for Gon's wrist. He tipped his head away from Gon's hand. Gon's face fell, for a moment. 

Killua whispered "Idiot," again, before reaching to hold Gon's face. He leaned in to kiss Gon. As he did, the leaf dropped with a thunk, and two hands gripping at his back. 

Every kiss was a refutation. Every stroking, fumbling, desperate sound building his argument.

They parted when they realized together that the rain had stopped. 

Gon couldn't speak, and that was the truth. 

Killua smiled. He grabbed Gon's hand.

"Let's keep going."

\----

"I thought former assassins didn't need to sleep," Gon laughed. It was sudden, bursting through the growing dark like an explosion in the sky.

Of course he was fucking exhausted. But, there was no way Killua would just admit it.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Killua said, looking back over his shoulder. "Must be your exhaustion talking, Gon."

They'd made slow, but steady progress as the curve of the mountain range forced them towards a bending, rocky shoreline. Through dripping green vines, a golden shimmer of the ocean lit by twilight sparkled. It showed exactly how much time had passed, and how late the day had grown.

"We should probably find where we're going to spend the night," Killua said. He stopped walking, and Gon paused beside him, hand immediately reaching for Killua's. They squeezed each other's hand.

"The beach," Gon said, without elaboration. Gon lead Killua's gaze with a pointed finger. Below an outcropping of rocky cliff some distance away lay a pure, white sand beach.

"Yeah," Killua agreed. "Sounds good to me."

However, a quick scan of the landscape made it clear there was no simple path down to the shore. They stood on the side of a rising mountain, with the jungle growing up into an impenetrable maze between where they stood, and the shore.

Beside him, Killua sensed the tension in Gon's body. He positively radiated impatience. He could barely restrain himself as his sharp eyes scanned the tree line.

It burst between them like a flash of insight. Gon turned to Killua, who had his cocky smirk ready.

"Race ya?" Killua asked.

"Yeah!" Gon yelled. 

Both of them crouched, exhaustion set aside to make room for the thrill of competition. 

Killua looked at Gon. "Ready?" 

Gon smiled, and then narrowed his eyes and steadied his face.

"Set!"

Their voices rang together like a starter’s pistol into the air. 

"GO!"

Legs cocked like a sprinter, Killua sprang forward. He couldn't use his power to give himself godlike speed, but that didn't mean he still wasn't prepared to kick Gon's ass at anything involving speed. 

Gon launched himself with powerful legs at the same time, but he flew up, into the thick bundle of green leaves and heavy branches. 

The distance was not great, but the trees grew so close together that Killua had to weave, duck, and dodge so he didn't knock himself unconscious as he rushed forward. 

Above, he heard rustling, and the unhappy cries of birds fleeing two boot-clad feet flying over their nests. 

"Gon!" Killua shouted, seeing if he could get a response, to judge if he was pulling ahead or falling behind. 

Laughter shook the leaves above Killua's head. Killua slowed, for just a moment, to crane his neck up to follow the jangling sound.

A streak of exuberance flew over Killua's head. Golden and red light from the setting sun highlighted the shapes of his face, the energy in his arms and legs. 

Gon looked down at Killua as he passed over head. He smiled. 

Killua's feet slowed, and he nearly stumbled over his own steps. 

That smile had been missing from Killua's life for more almost four years. 

A shower of wet leaves announced Gon taking a decisive lead. Killua's mind came back into focus as the mess fell on his face, but it was too late. 

Head over heels, with a yelp of real surprise, Killua tumbled down a sudden, sharp dip in the landscape. He landed with sticky thwack. 

Cool, sucking muck pulled at his limbs and face. Mud made up of some indescribable material coated his entire front. He scrambled his ungainly limbs like a mouse caught in a sticky trap. 

"Killua!"

Gon said his name before Killua's entire body got yanked up and off the ground. He coughed up filth and wiped his eyes. 

At first, Gon worried, and his eyes ran Killua up and down as Killua sputtered and spat. Then, when it was clear everything was okay, the corners of Gon's mouth lifted. 

"So, that means I win, right?"

"You asshole!"

Laughter sent muddy spittle flying everywhere as Killua guffawed. He jumped, and Gon fell backwards, howling with laughter of his own. 

The pair fell together into the puddle, taking turns shoving the other one into the mud, laughing until both of their sides ached and not a spot on their clothing was spared from the brown gunk. 

Eventually, they helped each other to their feet, laughter replaced by euphoric, heaving breaths. Gon stood, and bent over his own knees, laughing and coughing in turn. Killua leaned back, hands on his hips, gulping down all the oxygen he could manage. 

"Killua," Gon said, between ragged breaths. "You're a mess." 

Whipping forward so fast his neck cracked, Killua tried to fake anger as his body shook with exertion. 

"Fuck you, Gon, this is your fucking fault."

"Mine?" Gon replied. "How is it my fault you tripped and fell on your face? Plus, the race was your idea!"

Killua scoffed, his body finally quieting. He looked at the remarkable mess his clothes now looked, and almost wanted to cry. 

"I can't believe this. We're supposed to get all the way back to the city like this?" Killua said at a whining pitch. Gon stood up straight. He wiped mud away from his face, and shook his hands. He started walking out of the puddle, with Killua stepping gingerly behind, trying not to splash any more on himself.

Gon looked down at himself as he walked, pulling his shirt fabric away from his skin. 

"Ugh, yeah, this is disgusting," Gon said. 

Killua's response sat clogging his brain, forever unspoken, as Gon pulled the fabric of his shirt up and over his head in one effortless motion. From behind, Killua watched Gon shake his head to get more gunk out of his short hair, while every muscle of his now naked back moved in perfect synchronicity. 

How many times had Killua seen Gon's naked back? Dozens and dozens of times, but they were children then. Gon was just a boy, and Killua didn't know what seeing that did to him, not really. 

But now he knew. And, before he realized what he now knew, his body reacted. Quietly, and mostly with a racing heart and foggy brain. 

And, before he could stop it, Gon felt Killua's reaction, too. 

"Oh, I, uh..." Gon started. He turned to face Killua, confused and worried, as Killua started walking faster, outpacing Gon at almost a jog. 

"We're almost there, right?" Killua shouted back over his shoulder. As he sped past Gon, the fluttering feeling they shared lingered, but it was mixed with a bitter tang of anger.

"Oh, uh, yeah," Gon said, walking a little faster to keep up, but intentionally staying some distance behind. 

The weight in their chests that grew the farther apart they drifted returned. It didn't distract from the torrent growing in their bellies, and rising up, not spoken and not acted upon, into their silent mouths. 

\----

It had been so difficult to breathe in the jungle. The air was stuffed with the weight of life. 

Killua carried too much in his heart. The lives pressing in on his every side had drained him, making every breath shallow and short. 

Stepping out from the under the dark canopy of the trees, the first thing Killua senses is the unmistakable smell of salt and crashing waves. It invited him to breathe deeply. 

"Oh," Gon said, in awe, even though Killua knew he'd been trying to resist saying anything. Killua had to agree. 

The sun lowered into the distant horizon, leaving the sea below it bruised purple and burnt red-orange. The beach was surrounded by flat, smooth black rocks, and the pure, white sand looked untouched by nothing but hermit crabs and sea stars. 

"Amazing," Killua said. 

Cradled by cliffs on one end, and the nearly impenetrable jungle on its other end, a feeling of being safe, and alone, settled over Killua like a blanket. 

No, not alone. Together. The two of them, with no one else. 

"We can probably build a camp over there," Gon said, pointing to the rocky out cropping, carved flat and smooth by sea spray and wind. 

"Yeah, good idea." 

An awkward space had separated Killua and Gon. Gon gave Killua a weak smile as he headed towards where he had pointed. He tossed his shirt over his shoulder, caked now with crusted mud. Killua followed, now trailing slowly behind Gon. Every step through the sand reminded him of how uncomfortable he felt. 

Gon reached down, half way through the march, and removed his shoes. Killua found himself matching Gon's actions before he thought about it further. Holding his filthy shoes in his hands, he was surprised how much better, and more comfortable, it felt to walk with bare feet in hot, shifting sands. 

"I'll make a fire," Gon said. His voice sounded lighter, just as Killua felt. Just being near the wide, open sea lifted both of their spirits. Clambering up on the natural platform, Killua wished intensely for the bravery to close this distance. 

The discomfort between them of frustration, and confusion, and hiding in plain sight, was greater than wearing clothes caked with dried, smelly mud - but only just. 

Gon had spread his shirt out on a nearby boulder, as he started to gather drying drift wood. 

Being from an island not so different from this one, it looked completely natural to see Gon, bare chested, and moving over the bright sands as if it were a hallway in his own home. 

Gon carved paths with his footfalls. He'd never needed to carefully match his footsteps to another person's. He always knew exactly what he wanted. 

Killua had wanted, so very desperately, to help Gon find what he wanted. 

In the fading light of this incredibly long day, Gon's shadow stretched out over the sand, and marched step by step with him. He wore nothing but his shorts, and held a bundle of wood close to his chest. 

He smiled at Killua when their eyes met. His golden eyes sparkled, and his skin looked warm. Killua could remember that it felt even warmer than that. He knew how Gon smelled, too, and how long his eyelashes were. 

Gon jumped up onto the rock, easily, just using his legs. He landed with bent knees like jumping off the last step of a stairwell. 

Killua swallowed, even though his mouth had dried. 

Kneeling to arrange his gathered materials, Gon's back and neck shined with sweat. Every movement created crests and pools of shadows over Gon's back. Gon's body looked strong, and firm. Hair dusted the back of Gon's neck, and his arms, and coated his legs. 

Killua made two fists. He shook his head. 

Gon told Killua what he'd wanted. Right now, Killua couldn't pretend that he didn't know what he wanted.

What he'd always wanted. 

But.

First.

"Um, Gon," Killua said, turning away from Gon. "I gotta clean up."

"Huh? Okay, Killua..." Gon said. 

Killua knew he was being watched. His lips fell open, ever so slightly, as he crossed his arms in front of himself. He reached for the hem of his shirt. He tugged it up over his own head, and tossed it to the rock at his feet. 

It bolted up and down his body, familiar and disorienting, like deja vu.

A reflection of his own feelings. Dizzying and hot. 

Gon's eyes bore into his back with pinpricks of startled fascination. Killua tilted his chin back over his shoulder to look Gon in the eyes. 

He thought he would be able to say something, anything, something witty and cutting. 

Gon's mouth hung open. He stared, without shame, and without apology. 

Those golden eyes saw nothing but Killua's body. 

Killua narrowed his eyes. He bit his lip. He surprised himself by actually smirking. He reached for the fastenings of his pants, and started walking towards the surf. He somehow managed to shove the waistband over his hips. His thumb hooked his underwear. 

Killua took it all off, and there were absolutely no secrets, anymore, that he could keep. He looked back at Gon one last time, who had stood, and seemed dazed, almost pained, as he tilted his head to watch. Killua was astounded at his own thrilling feelings. He invited Gon with a quick flick of his head. 

With a short leap, Killua jumped into the water. 

 

\----

Because the entire day felt like a dream, Gon wondered if he hadn't just been dreaming. 

Killua, without warning, pulled his clothing off, and Gon thought about that dream that had led him here, in the first place. 

Nothing he'd dreamt, or imagined, had come anywhere near close. 

More than anything, that smile. That tilt of Killua's head. 

He dropped the wood at his feet. He felt clumsy in his own skin, but he had to move. He tore his remaining clothes off. 

Of course, he'd seen all of this before, and he'd been seen just like this before. 

None of that occurred to him now. 

His mind and heart seemed almost to be floating in the air above him, like this were a dream, like this was someone else's life. He chased Killua into the surf. 

He yelped with shock at how cold the water was. Killua laughed as Gon's crash landing splashed water all over Killua's mud caked hair. 

"Jesus, Gon!" Killua exclaimed. Gon laughed, too. The cold, the shock, the newness made everything giddy and light as air. He blinked one eye closed, because looking directly at Killua was impossible. But, he could pull his arms back, and...

"Think fast, Killua!"

Making a fist with both hands, Gon shoved his arms through the water, sending an arc of water directly at Killua's head. 

A stream of laughter and curses from his victim made Gon laugh until his eyes closed. It made him completely vulnerable to the quick succession of splashes sent flying at his face, one after the other, as he had to throw up his hands in joyous concession.

"Okay, okay! I give!" 

The splashing stopped, and Killua laughed triumphantly. 

"Damn right, you do!" 

Gon's eyes opened, and, oh. 

Oh. 

Ducking below the water to scrub the dirt from his white hair, Gon stared at the shifting colors under the water, and he gasped when Killua tossed his head up and out of the water, sending cold droplets streaming in every direction. 

The water ran down Killua's face and neck and chest. The dripping water caught every slice of soft light, and his best friend was, for a moment, so much more than human. Glowing and refined, with dark shapes carved into pristine, white marble skin. He didn't look at Gon as he scrubbed both of his hands through his hair. He looked everywhere else. Gon noticed how hot he felt, and also thought if Killua looked directly at him, he might light ablaze like a log in a fire. 

Gon lowered himself into the water, until just his nose and eyes peeked out. He swam slowly around Killua. The water was just deep enough that Killua had to tread water, or stand on his tiptoes, to keep upright to keep washing himself off. 

Circling around Killua, Gon wondered if he looked a little like a shark. His head jutted from the water like a fin, and he couldn't deny what was building in his belly. Hungry and persistent. 

"Gon?" Killua asked, standing very still, not looking back at him. 

It mixed up inside of him, just as hungry and persistent, and all the more intense for being a feeling not born of his own heart. 

Shaky, hesitant longing. Calculated, cunning movements. All attempts to hide something. 

"Killua," Gon said. He smiled, even though it made seawater fill his mouth. He couldn't help but smile, because Killua was here. Right here, with him. For tonight, at least. And he was so. 

Killua was so much. 

His spine was long, so long, dipping below the water into a curving slope. 

His hair was was so pale, and in what little daylight remained, it reflected the light like it was woven from silver. 

His white skin was also pink and purple, bruises blending with the dark creases of his muscular form. Killua was impossible not to stare at. 

Killua was so beautiful. 

It filled his belly, and rose into his throat, and he couldn't speak it, so instead he swam closer to him. He couldn't quite reach the bottom with his toes, so he tread water, spinning the water in circles with his palms.

He could reach out and touch Killua with just a curve of his wrist. He could feel currents of movement surrounding him. 

The connection between them bent low. It could bear the separation no longer. 

Killua lowered himself into the water. He turned towards Gon. 

"Gon."

There was nothing between them but the lapping waves. Killua's hands grabbed for Gon's back and shoulders. His neck and hair and face. 

And then there was nothing between them at all. 

"Killua," Gon replied, pressing the words directly into Killua's hot mouth. His tongue moved loose and lazy, but his hands reached for purchase. He was drowning. His innards charred black and gray like charcoal. 

Pressed together, there was nothing left to imagine, because he knew it all. He smoothed his hand over Killua's skin, hot and wet. His chest and belly tightened as he stroked the wealth of power in Killua's back.

He rose out of the water, then, stopping the kiss as he looked down at Killua with surprise. Killua grinned up at him, holding Gon up by his waist, so that his chest was level with Killua's face. 

The pressure built, inside, and out. Gon gulped so hard it hurt. He wound his legs around Killua's hips, and wrapped his arms around his neck. 

"Fuck," Killua said. Gon looked at how Killua's cheeks glowed, hot from his own blush, and pink from the reflecting light.

It was so much. 

Killua tilted his head to the side. He looked at Gon's eyes, before trailing down to his neck, and his chest.

He didn't realize he was doing it until the friction shot through Gon's body like projectiles. His hips moved. His spine lit up, crackling like a burnt match. He didn't even know anything could feel like this. 

"Killua, I..." Gon started. 

The sunlight reflected off of Killua's hair and skin into something too spectacular for words.

His distant memory of his dream of Killua, dripping and gorgeous, was a pale, flavorless thing.

Gon sensed Killua's feelings. They were sharp and alive on his tongue. They refracted within Gon like light sliced apart by a prism. Ten thousand particles of anticipation, hope and insatiable hunger.

And, excruciating fear.

It was so much. 

Killua didn't say anything. He interrupted Gon with a wordless sound. A purr. His hands took a fistful of Gon's flesh, and squeezed. Gon's mouth fell shut. He moved, a little bit, trying to stoke this brand new everything into a burning, dancing frenzy. 

It was so, so much. 

"I..." Gon said, trembling. 

Killua kissed Gon chest. Gon whimpered. Killua's mouth trailed between stars only Killua could see, like drawing a constellation with his laving tongue. Gon moaned. 

"Ki...Killua..." 

Just barely, over the crash of the surf, Gon heard Killua's reply. 

"Gon."

Gon's nipple disappeared between Killua's pink lips. 

It was too much. 

The waves crested. The fire exploded into an inferno. 

His body curled towards, and then away from Killua, shouting wordlessly. 

Killua pulled his head back, worried and as cold now as he'd been hot a moment ago.

"Gon?"

Gon said nothing. He squirmed out of Killua's hands. Killua dropped him, and his face looked like he'd just watched a priceless piece of pottery fall to the floor and shatter.

"I didn't mean..." Killua started, words now failing him. 

Gon shook his head. He started swimming back to shore.

He heard a splash. As he climbed out of the water, Gon saw Killua dunk his head below water, a pained cry drowning as his head sank below.

They were still connected.

It was too much.

What he wanted. What Killua wanted.

Gon scrambled away, until he could no longer feel the heavy weight of those eyes on his back.

\----

Stars only grew thick like this when Killua looked up at the sky when they were as far from away from other people as they could manage.

Him and Gon.

Killua floated on the lapping waves until he could see a pillar of smoke rise far above the broken line of green branches. He heard his name from the shore, and spun so fast water rushed into his mouth and nose. 

It took him a long time to get back to shore. No, he took a long time. As long as he could. But, eventually, Killua's hands brushed against the smooth sand. He stood up, started walking, and wished he could forget that he wore nothing but his bright blush. He gnawed on the inside of his lip cheek as he climbed up on the rocky surface. 

"Killua!" Gon said, delighted. Gon wore his shorts, and pointed towards the other side of the campsite, not far from the fire. "I washed them for you!"

Sure enough, Killua's shorts and shirt were spread to dry on an outcropping of rock, with his boots in a tidy pair beside. 

"Oh," Killua said, walking stiff and quick over to them. He muttered a quiet "Thanks, Gon." Gon accepted the gratitude easily, turning to poke his boot into the fire, shoring up some unseen weakness. Killua changed quickly. The clothes were still a little wet, and smelled like the briny water they were washed with. 

"I'm gonna go get us dinner," Gon said. 

His voice was too light. Too easy. A hand gently placing a fragile decoration back on a shelf, or tip toeing around someone taking a nap. 

Killua opened his mouth to say something, then shut it with a snap. He looked over at Gon, and nodded. Gon nodded back.

"Watch the fire, okay?"

"Uh, sure," Killua said. He stood in place, unsure what to do with himself now, feeling no less naked than he had been without the clothes. Gon just waved, and ran off into the woods. 

As hot as the trudge through the jungle had been, night brought with it a chill breeze. Killua was thankful to be asked to do little more than get warm, and occasionally poke a stick into the fire to see sparks dance. 

Exhaustion deep in his bone marrow was the only thing keeping Killua from nodding his head into his arms, and risking sleep. He couldn't risk what his own unconscious mind would torment him with. 

It crawled up from the base of Killua’s spine, uninvited. Up inside of his belly, and cling wet and sharp to his lungs. The regret swirled, awful and familiar, that old shame, that old fear. 

Who the fuck did he think he was? How dare he ask what he wanted to ask for from Gon?

Didn't matter how much he shook his head, or stabbed the points of his fingernails into the meat of his hand. Tears poured out of his eyes, and more came the more he wiped them away. 

"I'm back, Killua! I'm sorry it took..."

The patter of footsteps came too quick for Killua to react. Gon knelt beside Killua, setting down the bundle he held in each hand. 

"Oh, Killua," Gon said. He extended both hands slowly, as if at any moment Killua would startle into a hundred pairs of flapping wings, alighting into the sky. 

"Gon, I..." Killua said, choking over his sobs. 

"Can I hug you?"

Somehow, it didn't even occur to him to decline. Killua leaned forward, and Gon swept him into his arms. Thankfully, Killua stopped crying as he curled his arms around Gon's shoulders, holding on like they were his life preserver. 

"Hey," Gon whispered, after a moment. He stroked the back of Killua's head, combing his fingers through the curls. "Can I show you something?"

Killua disentangled himself, still too shocked by his own behavior to do any talking. He nodded. 

"First, I got us dinner," Gon said, with a smile. He pulled two giant, flopping fish out from behind his back. Killua had to laugh, and it felt amazing to do it. 

"Where the fuck did those come from?"

"There was a stream in the jungle while I was looking for the other thing...."

"You went fishing in the middle of the night?"

Gon huffed, and rolled his eyes. "It's not the middle of the night, Killua, it's dusk. Also known as a great time to go fishing!"

Killua sat back, leaning on his hands, tears and worries forgotten.

"Well, I'll be fine with whatever bottom feeding monstrosity you fished out, but make sure you don't die, okay, Gon?"

Gon grabbed up his catch, and the other bundle, which he'd carefully wrapped in his own shirt. 

"I won't. I'm not leaving you ever again, Killua."

Killua laughed.

"Dipshit, I'm not actually worried about that."

"I know you are, though," Gon replied. 

Of course he knew. Killua lifted a hand to his chest. He awkwardly twisted his shirt into a ball in his hand. 

"Uh, well, what's the other thing you got, Gon?"

Gon sat beside the fire with a hearty "Oof!" of breath. He took two sharpened sticks, and quickly impaled both fish, before arranging some stones to prop both sticks carefully over the fire. He answered cheerfully over his shoulder as he worked. 

"It's a secret!"

Bones jittering and muscles twitching, Killua had to stand up and stretch. He saw the bundle beside Gon. He grinned, face dry and blood pumping easily again. 

"Think fast, Gon!"

"Huh?!" Gon cried, swiveling on his heels, but Killua leapt over the fire, and over Gon, and bent low to swing his arms down to sweep the bundle off the ground. 

"Ah, Killua!" Gon shouted, diving at Killua, but Killua bounced out of his way on the balls of his feet. 

"Too danged slow, Gon!" Killua said, grinning and laughing. Gon stopped, sighed, and stopped chasing, his chest heaving up and down with each breath. 

Killua stopped, too. It wasn't because Gon was irritated. 

Suddenly, Killua nerves rose up in protest, anxiety slowing his hand.

But, it was too late.

"...oh."

Unwinding Gon's carefully tucked in shirt, Killua realized he held a small bouquet of the brightest, most beautiful flowers he'd ever seen in his life. Carefully arranged, except for the parts where Killua's hands must have crushed it just a moment ago.

"Uh, they're..." Gon started. Killua looked up at Gon, and then back at the flower. He walked closer. Gon reached out, and gently took the shirt back from Killua's limp grasp. Killua held the small bouquet with both hands, lifting it closer to his face so it was easier to see. 

"I don't know what they're called, but I saw them, and..."

Blue and purple streaks cut through petals long and delicate like knife blades, curved into pointed tips. They met in the shape of a star around perfectly shaped, golden centers. Smaller flowers, with sunny little faces. The flowers perfumed the air with warmth, and sweetness. 

Gon's eyebrows knit slower together. His full lips pouted, just a little. 

"I don't really know what I was thinking, I just saw them and thought of you. I'm so..."

Before he could finish, Killua chirped out with only half his voice.

"Thank you. I love them."

Every well-trained, polite reflex in Gon's body ignited. 

"You're welcome, Killua."

"Hey," Killua said. He stepped closer to Gon. He heard Gon gulp, and then respond.

"Yeah?"

"No fair."

Gon tilted his head to the side. 

"What isn't?"

Killua peeled two flowers out of the bouquet before setting his gift down as softly as he could. 

"I told you I was gonna do it first."

The distance between them once again closed. They both breathed, deeper and more satisfied, than they'd managed in hours.

"It?" Gon asked. His eyes were the fire, and the stars. The only source of light Killua needed.

"The first date, dummy."

Holding the flowers with his other, he took one, and gently slipped the stem behind Gon's ear. Gon's eyes widened before his smile grew to match it.

More beautiful than any flower. Killua smiled, too. He slipped the second flower behind his own ear, his tongue peeking out as he concentrated. Gon giggled. Killua straightened his back when he was done.

Gon kissed his cheek with a lingering touch, and quiet, contented sound. Killua huffed.

"How long till dinner?"

Their fingers searched each other out, and knotted together. Gon looked at the fire.

"A bit longer."

"Good," Killua said. He tipped his head until his lips nearly brushed the tip of Gon's ear. "Is this okay?"

"Yes," Gon whispered. He leaned towards Killua's mouth as it kissed softly around the shell of Gon's ear. Killua could feel the goosebumps rise on Gon's skin as his lips slipped over the sensitive skin of Gon's neck. He reached Gon's shoulder, and paused.

Clouds of emotion rolled and roiled inside of him. Killua didn't know what they meant. If the weather would be fair, or treacherous.

"Are you okay?"

Leaning his check against Killua's forehead, Gon nodded.

"Yes."

Killua kissed him again, softly, and then stopped.

"But, what about what happened earlier?"

Gon's let go of Killua's free hand. His other hand grabbed the bouquet from Killua. He dropped it to the ground. His lips moved against Killua's temple.

"I liked it," Gon said. "What we were doing earlier."

As Gon's arms wound around Killua's waist, Killua's hands went clammy and cold.

"But, you got upset, and ran."

"Oh," Gon said, almost laughing, almost abashed. "It was just...a lot."

Hands at the small of Killua's back drew him closer.

"It wasn't just me, you know," Gon said into the white curls behind Killua's ear.

Killua placed two ginger hands on Gon's hips.

"What do you mean?" Killua asked.

"I've never felt like that before. That way...it was all new. It scared me," Gon said. He lowered his head to Killua's shoulder, and Killua let out one small sound before Gon continued.

"I think you were scared, too..."

Intensely. Immensely. Incredibly.

"...so, that scared me, too."

Gon straightened his back to bring himself face to face with Killua.

"But," Gon said, mouth smirking, and a heartbeat away from Killua's. "But, I also felt how much you wanted me."

Blue eyes doubled in size, and golden eyes closed, as Gon kissed Killua to try and return the favor.

  
  
  
  
  
  


The scent of roasting fish floated by, and both of them were too hungry to deny, even if it hurt to tear themselves away from each other. Gon kissed Killua's hand as they sat up, and Killua ran his knuckles along Gon's cheek.

They each helped themselves to a fish, using nothing but their fingers to tear sweet flesh from the bones. Hunger was the most delicious sauce, Gon reminded Killua, and Killua shook his head.

"You just always manage to catch delicious fish," Killua observed. Gon just chuckled, and rubbed the back of his head.

The meal of juicy, fresh fish reminded them of how parched they were. Gon sat up, and crooked his finger at Killua. Killua would have followed Gon anywhere. He didn't even have to ask.

It was dark, but both of them easily navigated the thick undergrowth. Gon stopped seemingly at random before jumping straight up in the air, grabbing a palm frond and tugging it down with him.

"Grab em!" Gon shouted, gesturing with a tilt of his head at the fruit dangling from the dipping tree. Killua ripped as many as he could from the tree, each one requiring two hands to tear them off by their meaty stems. He piled a few by his feet before holding one up in each hand.

"What are these?"

Gon smiled, which Killua could hear even if he couldn't quite see it.

"Dunno, but I drank one earlier, it was tasty, and I'm not dead yet."

Killua scoffed. "Well, either way, I'll be fine, and that's what matters."

Gon groaned, before grunting with exertion. A rustling, straining snap jerked the tree upright. Bending back to stretch, and then forward to lift one of the largest pieces of fruit off the forest floor.

With a meaty tear, Gon split the fruit between his hands. A sweet, bright smell filled the air, and Killua's mouth watered.

The moon brushed silver along the edges of Gon's silhouette. Killua saw Gon only when he moved. Each action drifted through Killua's mind a half-step more slower, his hands and heart clumsy as they raced to keep up.

Gon lifted half of the dripping fruit, with its green rind and pink-yellow flesh barely visible in the darkness. He pressed it gently to Killua's lips. Only a hint, and a suggestion.

Dropping his own two burdens, Killua reached for Gon's offer. A stream of nectar flowed from the fruit's hollow into his parched mouth. Each mouthful was invigorating and bright, and made Killua shudder as they revived him.

When he finished, Killua saw Gon's carefully watching him in the darkness, the other half of the fruit waiting in his hand. Killua dropped his rind, and stepped forward.

He took the waiting half from Gon's hand. Killua's long fingers cupped the back of Gon's neck as he traced Gon's jawline softly with his thumb. He lifted the fruit to Gon's lips.

Gon reached up. He covered Killua's hands with his own, and drank deeply, wetness dripping from his chin.

When he finished, Gon pulled the fruit from Killua's hand, to drop it to the ground.

"More."

Gon stepped into Killua's waiting arms. Their lips smashed together, sticky and hot, both speaking into each other's mouths, as hands set out to conquer the lands of each other's backs.

"I want you to," Gon said. His breath filled Killua's lungs, and Killua considered for a moment if he was about to faint.

"Anything," Killua said. He worried Gon's bottom lip gently with his teeth, until Gon moaned, before pulling his head back.

"Show me," Gon said. It was a shy request, an ice cube dropping into both of their bellies as Gon asked, and that made it a brave one. Killua said nothing, willing his breath in and out of his lungs in order to stay standing.

"But, you ran away, earlier today," Killua said. His fingers brushed along the line of Gon's jaw.

Gon's eyes turned towards the dark jungle. The corners of his lips curved low, his mouth a bow.

Killua's voice constricted into a painful croak. 

"And, last summer, you wanted to..." Killua said. He audibly gulped before he continued speaking. "You wanted to touch me, more. So, what...what happened?"

Gon nodded. He lifted a bent knuckle to his lips. He looked distant and thoughtful, but Killua knew he couldn't rush him. 

"I didn't realize what I was asking before," Gon explained. Killua's hands drifted down. One hand found the hand Gon dangled by his side. They gripped each other by comforting habit now. Gon looked back into Killua's eyes. He found the rest of his words. 

"Now I realize I was trying to take something from you." 

Killua realized he was smiling. He would never forget how Gon looked right now, with his sharply curved cheek bones, and big, brown eyes. 

"What if I want to give it to you?"

Maybe it was a smile, or maybe it was a grimace, obscured by the night, and then Gon turned his head. He softly kissed Killua's fingertips. He hesitated, as Killua lifted his hand to cup Gon's cheek.

"I'm scared," Gon said. 

Killua had to laugh, a delicate and lacy sound. It escaped from his heart.

"I am, too," Killua said.

Gon laughed, too.

"I know."

"I know you know." 

Boundaries and walls constructed brick by brick with a lifetime's fear could be torn down, one by one. 

Killua reached around Gon's broad shoulders, just needing to remember where he was, and who he was with. Gon sighed, so deeply Killua could feel the press of his chest expanding and contracting. Killua let go, and stood back. Gon lifted his hands to hold Killua's face.

"You're amazing," Gon said.

"I love you," Killua replied. 

The wall hadn't fallen, not for either of them, but together, they pulled each other up, and over the crumbling structures.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Long, pale fingers moved carefully. They were strong. They could break and rend and tear without a second thought.

"If you tell me to stop, I will."

"I won't."

The fingers slowed. They nearly curled back into their palm, before they opened again, soothing against hot skin.

"Promise me you'll tell me."

A deep, ragged sigh. The body under his fingers sank low into the rock beneath. It contracted, for just a moment, before it stretched out long, a slinking, lupine coil of muscles and sensitivity.

"I promise."

The fingers and hands found the other one's hand. He looped the pinkies of their hands together.

"You swear?"

Laughter made them both relax, and the other nodded. 

"Yes, or stick 1000 needles in my eye!"

The long, pale fingers could rip and tear and bloody the sturdy, rust colored skin below. It would only take a moment. Less time than it took to breathe. 

Instead, like the body beneath would collapse into dust like a leaf in late autumn, the fingers trickled like molasses. They encroached slowly, they took their time. 

"Oh," came the uncertain reply.

The fingers stopped. Before words could be formalized, brown hands gripped long, pale fingers. 

They guided the fingers back into place. They squeezed just a little. Firmer. Harder. 

Keep going. Please?

A gulp, and a nod.

The fingers continued. There was a long journey before them, but no deadlines. It would be a mistake to rush. 

Both of their breathing began to grow shallow. Both of them moved into the other, shame and fear replaced by the ebb and flow of their heated tides. Pulling and pushing, warming and cooling. Soft and smooth until it discovered the rough pleasure of eliciting a moaning gasp.

"Oh."

Oh?

"Keep going."

They did. 

The fingers turned into hands. Palms and knuckles. Curving and coiling. Gripping.

Hands could do so much, but they could not do everything. 

His mouth, though, could kiss and bite and lick. 

Frontiers of undiscovered skin. Maybe no one had ever visited these lands, before, not even their native inhabitant, his hands bunching and releasing in delighted, startled surprise. 

Can we keep going?

Below, he did not answer, but instead freed his hands. Moved those pale fingers aside, just for a moment, as he freed himself. 

Ah.

"Is this okay?"

Throat dry. Long, pale fingers curled into fists.

Yeah.

"Are you sure?"

But they both knew the answer.

It made them both blush.

Blossoming, bottomless warmth. 

"You're beautiful."

A small, goofy smile. 

"You're just saying that."

Never. 

He wanted to prove it. He returned his hands to their busy work. It wasn't effortless, but it felt so easy. It felt so right. 

I love him. I love him. I love him.

"I love you."

Soft laughter, like those words were a relief to hear. 

"Please..."

Wind and waves sounded in his ears, but no louder than his own heartbeat echoing in his head. 

"...please, don't stop."

  
  
  
  
  
  


Tides broke against the shore, and Gon's voice broke in Killua's ears. Killua moved, filled to the brim with something he couldn't speak of. He had to answer, but he couldn't use words to do it. 

"Killua, I..."

It was okay this way, though. Because, really, he'd never been good with words. 

"I...oh..."

Not like Gon, who spoke easily of his affection. Effortlessly of his love. 

"I..."

So, Killua had to force himself to speak. But, action had always made sense. That was easy. 

"Please."

Later, hopefully, he would remember the licking firelight and long shadows, and how the world was more beautiful than he'd ever, ever seen it before. But, right now, he was focused. Singular. Trained on a goal. 

"Please, don't stop."

He wouldn't. 

"Oh, god, I can't..."

It would be okay. Stopping, or going. Staying, or leaving. Anything Gon wanted. Anything. 

"It's so...."

Killua did pause, though, just for a moment.

"Is it okay?"

"Yes!"

Killua bit his lip, because it was trembling. His breath steamed inside of him. His body wanted desperately to disobey him, and seek its own pleasure. 

Not yet. Not quite yet.

He focused, again, on Gon.

"Don't stop!"

"I won't," Killua whispered. Gon's hand found Killua's hair. He tugged on it, as gently as he could. It stung, but Killua groaned happily at the sensation. 

"Please, don't stop!"

I won't. 

"Please, please..."

I won't ever stop, Gon. 

"I can't, I....I..."

Oh, he was smiling. 

"Oh!"

He was happy. He was so happy. 

They breathed together, for a long time. Gon's hand scrabbled until they found Killua's, and he clung to them. Killua rested his forehead on Gon's sweat slicked stomach. 

He tasted Gon's taste, before he realized he was also tasting himself.

"Oh, Killua!"

Gon sat up, forcing Killua up with him.

"Killua, are you okay?!"

Killua wasn't sure what Gon was talking about. Gon wiped away two lines of tears that fell down Killua's cheeks. 

"Killua, you're crying," Gon said, stricken. 

Killua covered his mouth with his hand. He smiled. 

"I'm really happy," Killua said, through his fingers. 

Gon kissed his forehead, and his two eyes, and his nose. Gon gently nudged Killua's hand aside, and kissed his mouth. 

"I'm really happy, too," Gon said. Killua kissed him back. Gon stopped the kiss after a moment, and smiled.

"Can I try now?"

Killua leaned back.

"Huh?"

That smile of Gon's spelled trouble and adventure. 

"Can I try on you now?"

Killua blinked. 

"Oh, uh..."

"It's okay to say no," Gon said, nuzzling his face into Killua's neck. 

"No, I would..."

Gon sat back up, smile broader than Killua had ever seen. 

"I want to try."

They found it hard to sleep around each other. The night turned over to make way for day before they each fell asleep, holding onto each other.

  
  
  
  
  
  


They didn't discuss it, really. It just sort of happened. The next day they could hardly stand to leave each other's side. They filled the day with swimming, and eating. They filled the night with the feeling of each other. And then the next day came and went the same way.

The connection that linked them deep in their body and bones faded, slowly, but it was replaced with something sturdier, and safer. It required courage and kindness, and they built it together. 

Soon, though, Killua leaned back on his arms, and looked up at the stars. He sighed, loudly, and Gon turned to him to ask what was wrong.

"We need to go back," Killua said.

Gon took a seat next to Killua. He nodded.

"You're right."

Killua sighed again.

"I'm worried about Alluka. I haven't talked to her in a few weeks now."

"I'm sure she's doing great, Killua," Gon said. 

Killua smiled.

"Yeah, she already knows what she wants. It's really pretty amazing. I'm so proud of her."

Gon placed his hand over Killua's. 

"You know that's because of you, right?" Gon asked, tilting his head with a smile. Killua looked at him, scoffed, and looked away.

"It's true," Gon insisted. He squeezed Killua's hand, and Killua squeezed back. Killua flopped over on the ground, and rested his head on his other hand. Gon spun in his seat so he could look down at him. "You're amazing, Killua."

"Alluka is the amazing one," Killua said. "I just helped her do what she wanted to do."

"You're both amazing," Gon insisted. "I really admire her, and I really, really admire you."

Killua looked up at Gon. Gon smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"You built an amazing life for her, and for you," Gon said. He looked down at his feet, watching his toes wiggle, as he continued. "I remember when you told me you weren't sure what you wanted to do. Now, you have Alluka, and you're nothing like what your parents planned for you."

Heaviness settled over Killua's chest, but it wasn't painful. He wished Gon would look at him, now.

"Well, now that Alluka's going to school, I'm not sure what the next thing to do is."

Next to him, Gon flopped over onto his back, too. Killua listened to Gon's sigh, and the heaviness grew.

"I'm not sure, either," Gon said. "I'm not sure what I want to do next."

Then, the heaviness lifted, like a flock of birds alighting into the sky. 

"Well, dummy, that's easy," Killua said. He turned his head, and Gon turned his. "You're gonna come with me, right?"

Gon's eyes widened. His mouth gaped open, a little. 

"Together?"

Killua nodded. 

"Yeah, we're gonna do it together, right? We'll figure it out together. We'll go visit Alluka, and then we can decide what to do next. We could go anywhere we want." 

Clouds passed over the moon, and the dark night grew darker still. Killua waited, but not patiently, until he heard Gon sit back up.

"Yeah! Just like old times!"

Killua sat up, too, his body responding before he could think. He smiled at Gon.

"So, uh, does that mean I'll have to meet your old man?"

Gon looked at him seriously.

"Well, not right away, but, yeah, eventually..."

Killua groaned, which made Gon laugh. Gon crossed his legs, and sat up very straight.

"I want to introduce him to my boyfriend, after all," Gon said, hesitantly. 

"Oh," Killua replied, stunned. Gon looked back at Killua.

"That's okay, ri...?"

"Yeah, exactly," Killua said quickly. Gon spun around again. Killua nodded. 

"That's what we are, right?"

Gon nodded back.

"Right!"

Killua sat up. He kissed Gon's cheek, lightly. 

"It'll be fun, whatever we do next. Because, it's fun just being with you."

"Yeah," Gon agreed. "Being together is enough."

And, right now, it was.

This was, after all, what they had always, always wanted.

\----

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has supported me, been kind to me, reminded me they liked this story, kicked my ass emotionally to remind me not to give up, and just generally dealt with my overemotional, extra, depressed ass. I don't know how I got so lucky to meet so many wonderful people just because I write an HxH fic here and there, but I will never, ever complain. 
> 
> I'm on tumblr: [murderxbaby.tumblr.com](https://murderxbaby.tumblr.com/)


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